More on Choices... (Flashback!)

We talked about choices a little bit (very little) this morning during drool therapy. He continues to insist there are always choices. And he's right, there are always choices. Sometimes you just aren't willing to consider the alternatives. What might be a no-brainer for me could be an option for someone else. In talking about choices and following his lead on the topic, though I can't remember what he said, it occurred to me that I had been given a choice. And then it hit me. It was like being crushed by a tsunami I didn't even know was coming. I couldn't breathe. The office was gone. The shrink was gone. Everything was gone.

It was very dark and I was lying in bed with no covers. I was cold. A dark shape towered over me, pressed down on me, crushing me, blocking out all light and creating a hole in the room. I could hear crying, the soft crying of a small child trying to be quiet. Then his face filled my vision. He was angry, glaring at me with his eyes narrow and his smile twisted into an image of disgust.

"You don't want to?" His voice was high and squeaky, mocking me. "Fine. It's your choice. You don't want to? Then let's go tell your parents. Right now, just like this. We'll go wake them up just like this. You can explain to them, just like you are, no nightgown, no panties and crying like a baby, what has been going on. You can tell them about all the bad things you've been doing that I've tried to cover up for you. You can tell them all the messes I've cleaned up for you. You can tell them what you let me do in the truck and what you do on our trips. You can tell them what happens at night. We'll go now and wake them up, just wake them up right now, just like you are. What do you think is going happen? With all the awful things you've done, plus waking them up in the middle of the night, and the way you look... what do you think they're going to say? Who do you think is going to get in trouble? I keep you out of trouble and you're going to complain about it? Go ahead, make your choice, say the word. We'll go right now and tell them and I'll never touch you again, or talk to you, or play games with you or take you places. I'll never bother you ever again. Go ahead, say the word and we'll go wake them up and tell them right now..."

His voice was a hiss in my ear. It filled me with terror. Waking up my parents, letting them see me like this, telling them what I had done, all those horrible things I had done... They would hate me forever. And I would lose the only person who wanted me around. He had paused, to let me think. Now he began to to speak again, a growling hiss that not even a movie-monster could make.

"Well?"

I closed my eyes and shook my head. I could never face my parents. I could never tell them the things I had done.

"I want to hear you say it." His voice rumbled like a dragon waking in its cave. "You have to say it: 'I want to do this for you.' " A pause. I was shivering from inside my stomach. "Say it. 'I want to do this for you.' Say it now or I'll take you straight your parents." Another pause. "Say it!" His voice was a hand choking me.

"I want to do this for you," I whispered the words just loud enough for him to hear, no louder. They echoed around the room and inside my head. It hurt. My heart and my head were slamming against each other. I was beaten. I was broken. I would do as I was told.

"I thought so. Never forget: you made your choice." A hateful smile was in his words.

I felt his hands moving and the room started to spin again. It brightened and I was back in the office and the shrink was telling me to stay with him. But his face was swimming in front of my face and wouldn't go away. His words, "You made your choice," echoed in my ears as if he were right there saying it again, underscoring the shrink's point that there is always a choice.

We kept talking and the subject shifted and moved back and shifted again. I stayed with him, but I kept hearing those words and feeling weight of that choice. My head felt like I'd been smashing it against a brick wall. His face stayed in the backs of my eyes, always there, sneering at me.

It's still there. And every so often, the whole scene plays out in front of me again. Every time I feel like I've been sucker-punched. I can't breathe. It happened in front of the kids. I couldn't explain it. How do I deal with this? It had obviously been shoved over The Wall and had stayed there until it attacked with a vengeance this morning. Why? And how do I make it stop?

"Please God, make me a bird so I can fly far, far away from here.
"Please God, make me a bird so I can fly far, far away from here.
"Please God, make me a bird so I can fly far, far away from here.
"Please God, make me a bird so I can fly far, far away from here."
(Forrest Gump)