There's a New Sheriff In Town

It has been argued, by a friend and by several of my Voices, that I am getting stronger. I have been confronted head-on by several things I couldn't even look at from behind. And I stood and faced them. A few times, I nearly broke from the force of the answers, but I did not. And I maintained this "strength" for several days running.

There is a new sheriff in town inside the stadium. She has the censors relaxing their grip on what is allowed out. The censors are still cautious; they won't let anything out to people not on "the list" and the list is short. And there seems to be a set of rules regarding the "leaks" and how they are to be handled. Only those on the list can be trusted. Answer anything but don't offer a thing. Relax, nothing matters any more. If it hurts, there will be more of it.

There is a repeated whisper, a murmur, a collective rumbling rolling around the stadium like the wave at a good game. Over and over...

"A storm is coming..."

The new sheriff is generating chaos. She has let the silent ones speak; they huddle with the girls exchanging stories and comparing notes and they throw pictures at me. I don't want to see their pictures, still photos of things long forgotten. Send them back over the Wall! Banish the silent ones back into darkness! Please, restore some order, some restraint, some discipline. A storm is coming and someone must be here to stop it from overcoming everything and everyone.

If control is not restored, someone may come through. It is everything I can do to keep a few specific ones inside. There will be trouble if they escape. But the effort is wringing me dry. I am exhausted. I have to fight them even in my sleep. And there is no one to turn to. Who could I possibly call at midnight, 1 AM, when the push is so strong I don't dare stand up for fear of going where I ought not be and doing what I ought not do? Who can I tell about the fire burning inside my mind and trying to escape? Who can I trust, at the time when I am most vulnerable, to help me without freaking out?

I don't want to be treated like a child or like an unstable bomb. I don't want to have to go to bed with Craig so I'm not left alone. I don't want to have to go to my mother's to keep me in sight. I don't want my daily meds rationed out and locked up. I don't want to be treated like a child or a criminal. So I have to hold it together all alone.

How can I feel so alone with so much activity in the house and inside my head? But I do...