Random Thoughts

Craig still doesn't know. This is a good thing. I have been actively, intensely keeping it from him. He will go ballistic. I don't exactly know how ballistic, but I can guarantee fireworks. But here's the thing... some things have been slipping out and, frankly, I'm surprised he hasn't busted me. We discussed the fact that Pyro has been causing trouble last Monday evening. He told me not listen to Pyro. I promptly ended the discussion and walked away. Tuesday, despite it being mid-August and rather warm, I started wearing long sleeves. I've worn long sleeves all week. When we went shopping, I bought extra-large band-aids - two boxes. He asked why I bought them as I was putting them away. I told him we were out. That was all I said and he accepted it and never mentioned it again. I started wearing long sleeves to bed Wednesday night. No comment. I wore short sleeves to bed a couple of times, he didn't notice my arm. There have been band-aid wrappers in the trash and he hasn't noticed them. He wanted to get intimate Friday afternoon and I brushed him off (can you believe that worked?! whodda thunk! LOL) and he didn't question it beyond a playful remark.

So... a couple things could be at play here. Craig doesn't see it because he doesn't want to... or the "little" things are smaller than I thought... or Craig is totally clueless. I wonder... which of the three do I want it to be?

Speaking of which, I woke up knowing about the cross. You see, from the POV of anyone looking at it, it is a cross. From the my POV, it is an INVERTED cross. The symbolism is now so obvious, I wonder how I could have missed it in the first place. To everyone else, I present as good and "right". But to myself, I know the truth. Pure evil.

Who knew this? How do I know it now? Why won't Pyro own up to the information? If it's not Pyro's info, whose is it and why won't they own up to it? ARG!!!

My baby starts kindergarten tomorrow. Wow. Who would ever have thought? And my first-born son goes off to middle school. It's like another rite of passage. I'm not sure I'm ready for it but I sure don't have a choice. It's just so weird that all of my kids will be in school all day now. If not for the baby, it'd be that day I've been dreaming/dreading for 12 years... school days open. I guess I have 5 more years before I need to think about that again. LOL

I read a book, "When Rabbit Howls", recommended to me by a friend. I see so many things in it that I just don't want to see. But I also see so many things that just aren't me. I won't accept it. I can't accept it. It's not me. None of it. I have a very fertile imagination. And I am manipulative and attention-seeking and passive-aggressive. All is well. Memories are dreams and dreams are just dreams. There is a safe explanation for everything.

I want to start writing again. I want the fiction to flow out of my fingers like the tears that overflow my eyes. Formally, I am on strike from fiction. Personally, I am feeling empty, like a part of me has shut down and that part held the bridge between my soul and my fingers. It will come back; it always comes back. But I miss it while it's gone, although I don't often admit it. Generally I claim that I hate writing and that I've given it up for good. After all, I know I suck at writing, although it brings me great pleasure at times. That gives me the ammo to fend people off who want an explanation for my self-imposed exile from fiction. Eventually, it will come back. And if it doesn't it was never meant to be.

I had a thought. I tried to push it away. Maybe putting it down here will help me to expel it. I thought that, if the shrink decides to pull out a Voice at a time, and if he pulls out someone who won't retreat, or, if he hits on something big and scares me to the edge... if either of those were to happen, would it be so bad if I went away and didn't come back? Especially if someone better took control? BUT... I know I am not allowed to think that so I am giving it a shove, pushing it out into the cosmic vacuum of cyber-space...

"Get thee behind me, Satan!"
(paraphrased from somewhere in the Bible, I think)