Too Little, Too Late

The first time I heard someone say that people with mental illness should be sterilized so they couldn't procreate, I was shocked and appalled. I simply couldn't imagine such a thing! Luckily, I had simply over-heard the remark and was not required to give a response.

But now I am wondering why God ever let me have kids. They are great kids, but I have brought such horrors upon them simply by my biology and my genes. Kid-1, my oldest, has bipolar disorder and ADHD. Kid-2, my daughter, has anxiety to the point of refusing to be alone and needing medication. Kid-3, my middle son, has something wrong with his urinary system, is on medication, and may need further tests. And Kid-4, my baby and the source of much paranoia for his health, needs glasses - at age 5.

I have brought ruin upon them simply by them being related to me. They have not only the issues that will result from living with me, but they also have the biological issues. I couldn't wait to become a mother. I thought it was my chance to do the things I always wished I could have had. I thought I could influence the future. Instead I'm destroying their lives.

There are so many things I should be doing. Baking cookies and playing baseball, family dinners and individual reading, picnics and camping, youth group and attending church, swim lessons and birthday parties..... not to mention the basics: a clean house, organized meals, clean laundry, play dates and consistency. I'm failing. I'm failing. I'm failing...

From Dictionary.com:
failure:
1. an act or instance of failing or proving unsuccessful; lack of success: His effort ended in failure. The campaign was a failure.
2. nonperformance of something due, required, or expected: a failure to do what one has promised; a failure to appear.
3. a subnormal quantity or quality; an insufficiency: the failure of crops.
4. deterioration or decay, esp. of vigor, strength, etc.: The failure of her health made retirement necessary.