On Choices...

The shrink says there is always a choice, an option, something that can be done one way or a different way or many different ways. He is right, in theory...

But in reality, the choices rarely feel like choices. When I'm feeling miserable and want to stay in bed and hide, despite the presence of the kids and the baby... well, in theory I can stay in bed anyway. But in reality, that just isn't an option. When I feel trapped and overwhelmed at the idea of going to a family or other group activity, in theory I could refuse to go. In reality, I have to go.

Even the big one itself, "To be or not to be" is technically a choice. I still have enough of the right pills and time in which to use them without getting caught. But it isn't really a choice, not after last time. It was made extremely clear to me that everyone would suffer a great deal if I used my "Get Out Of Jail Free" card. For years, at least 15, I have been trying to find the right combo so I could get out and now that I have it, I am trapped here, unable to use it. I have knowledge to do it, the desire to do it, the resources and opportunity to do, yet that is not a choice I am permitted to make.

I always thought of life as "my way or the highway" but I found out that it isn't that simple. Unless I want to prove myself a truly evil person, I don't have choices most of the time.

We are stuck in our financial position. Even if I could handle it, my getting a job would effectively cancel my SSDI. Craig can't earn more at his current job, the market is such that he can't get a different job and his schedule is too unpredictable for him to get a second job, not to mention that I'm not sure I can handle him being gone that extra time and I'm fairly certain he himself couldn't handle it. So where does that leave us?

There are also lots of things with the kids that I may not want to do, but I don't have a choice. Say, for example, I didn't want to go to the fireworks. Well, we *always* go to the fireworks - it's a tradition. In theory, I can refuse to go, but the amount of pain it would cause the others and the level of disappointment and anger that I would receive as a result renders that choice no longer a choice.

For things like that, when there is only one viable option, I don't consider it a choice. Yes, in theory I could get upset and leave and never come back. Uh huh, right. Not a choice. In theory, I could take my pain pills in such a matter as to become addicted to them. I know better than that. Not a choice. In theory there are a lot of things I can do but in reality, those aren't really options at all. I don't have a choice over almost anything.

I suppose the fact that I regard some of those choices as not viable indicates a certain degree of morality, which is good. There are people who would do the very things that I am rejecting as not an option. There are countless numbers of people who are, in fact, addicted to pain killers. There are people who give up their kids and just walk away. There are suicides. There are people who kill their babies. There are people who take a stand against other people instead of letting themselves be hurt. There are people who fight and yell and even hit.

There are a lot of people out there making a lot of bad choices and there are a lot of bad choices out there that I'm NOT making. But, to me, it feels like there IS no choice on those things. There is just plain no viable option other than the one I am expected to take. I am trapped. My own life choices have gotten me where I am and now I can see no viable way out.

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"There is no highway option." (The Pacifier)

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"They are coming," cried Legolas.
"We cannot get out," said Gimli.
"Trapped!" cried Gandalf. "Why did I delay?"
(Lord of the Rings)

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"Please, God, make me a bird so I can fly far, far away from here..." (Forrest Gump)