Where No One Has Gone Before

Well, I spent 4 hours at Starbucks last night, trying to prep for this morning. Then I stayed up late late late thinking it over and trying to make sense of everything in my head. (Hey! Quit laughing!) I finally threw myself into bed, tossed and turned for a few hours and set out for an unknown situation.

I considered elaborating on his appearance and demeanor this morning, but I don't want to get distracted from the matters at hand. Suffice to say, he was sleepy but attentive, casual and light but not beating around the bush. He seems to be feeling around in the dark almost as much as I am.

One of my main concerns last night was whether or not to dodge the issue of my arm. I needn't have worried. There was no dodging. He looked at my chart, made some comments about some paperwork that needs to be completed next week for the insurance company. Then he commented that last week my level of potential for self-harm was unacceptably high. I anticipated that. I thought he would ask me how it was now. He didn't. He asked me straight up, "Did you hurt yourself?"

Wow. Okay... No room to dodge or steer around that one. I won't lie to him, period the end. But I didn't want to say it. Not out loud, not to him. It wouldn't come out of my mouth. He commented that it was taking an awfully long time for a yes or no answer. I said yes.

He didn't blow his top. His face didn't even fall. His *eyes* didn't even dim. I just now realized why - he was expecting that answer. Ouch. Anyhow, he took down the facts without criticism in his voice or in the air between us. He took down that I don't remember it. He took down what and where. I downplayed the severity; I am expecting it to heal quickly and without scarring.

He just noted it all and then we started talking about nightmares and things. He seems to be convinced that I can just change what is happening in the dreams. "It's dark," he says. "Turn on a light." Uh... sure, Doc. I can just decide to change a dream and it will happen. It took me 4 years to start recognizing specific parts of a dream that let me know I'm dreaming. And he thinks I can just jump right in with these and recognize them, then change them at will? I promised him I would try, and I will. But I have to say, it sounds like a long shot. Yet he seemed completely convinced I could do it easily.

The nagging feeling that he just doesn't get it washed over me.

We danced around some lighter topics for a moment then he asked me if my "chorus" was still in my head. That's a no brainer. So he suggested that we "form a referendum," he said. "Gather them all together and find out what they know." Eventually he evolved the idea into pulling each one out and finding out what they know and what they think then "retire them" - "send them off to a beach or something".

Now listen, I trust my shrink, okay. I trust him more than almost anyone. There is only one person I trust more. But I really think he has no idea what is going on. He doesn't understand how my head works. He doesn't understand what he's asking of me. I think if he had any idea of the potential repercussions both for me and for him - I think he'd run for the hills.

So I'm trying to decide exactly what he's expecting and exactly what I am capable and willing to provide. He could simply want me to tell him the thoughts in my head, keeping a very simplistic view that all my Voices are different trains of thought and various emotions. Or, he might want to hear what my Voices say but through the safety of my censors and the comfort of the consistent and familiar tone that I present with every day to everyone. Or, and this is the most scary of the potential options, he knows very well how separate my Voices are from each other and he wants to confront them directly and individually, with full knowledge of the implications of that.

He might know precisely what might happen. Convince me to make the censors stand down, let someone out to talk to him. Goodness only knows what they would say - what if he got a hold of Pyro? And what if they won't retreat when he's done talking to them? What if he tries to make them disappear and they don't react well to that? No one is overly happy with the concept of being "sent off to a beach or something".

I think I'm going to type something up about how my processes work. Then I can ask him exactly what he expects and how he plans to accomplish it. I am scared. Not of losing his approval or of him finally seeing me for the awful person I truly am, but of losing myself completely. What if I get scared and go away? What if one of my not-so-nice Voices come out and scare him away? What if someone comes out who knows too much?

On a related note, he thinks it would be a good idea to blow up my Wall. He doesn't want to take it down, he wants to explode it altogether, at one time. I fear the confrontation of everything it represents and everything behind it would break me. I foresee total systems failure. Checking out and refusing to check back in. Everything back there was put there for a reason; I couldn't face it so I buried it away. Lots of things. To look at them all at once... I am terrified of even the concept.

I trust my shrink. And I will do whatever he says to do. But I am scared. Is he going to kill me or break my mind or my spirit?


"I am that I am." (God as the burning bush, somewhere in the Bible)