Terrified of Tomorrow

What will I say to him? Should I bring up the fight or let it go? Should I let him steer the conversation where I don't want to follow? Do I try to dodge altogether? I don't think he'll let me get away with that.

How do I answer questions about something that I don't understand? Worse yet, how do I answer questions about something he could never understand? No one could understand. I don't want to see judgement in his eyes but I am afraid he won't be able to hide it. Last time, there was only shock and confusion. I don't want to see judgement! So many things I've done wrong, so many choices I've made that make me who I am, someone I hate. But I don't want to see him disgusted by me.

I have to stand by my husband. I do what I'm told and it keeps me out of trouble, most of the time. Craig has been getting so much angrier, so often. And after this past weekend, I'm afraid he's going to snap and I won't be able to bring him back or talk him down. The boys, when they get together, they scare me, they embarrass me, they hurt me. But it's so much better than if they left me. If Craig left me, I couldn't bear it. And he views sex as a thing. And as a right. He always has as long as we've been together. I figured that out early and I adapted. And as it adjusted and changed, I adapted.

I just do what I'm told. I know that's a cop out. War criminals have tried to plead that and the courts found them guilty. I know how people must view me. I can think of many words to describe me. But, for right or wrong, I do as I'm told. And I don't plan on changing that. Especially not after this weekend.

We've fought before. Six times that were big enough to involve raised voices and high tempers. Friday made the seventh time in the almost 16 years we've known each other. But he's never had that look in his eye, that empty look like my son gets during a rage. And he's never been so angry as to take it out on me after the fight is over. Or to be so angry as to take it out on me like that.

So I have to step up my game. I have to do as I'm told. I have to do the right things at the right times. And I sure as hell am not going start refusing to co-operate now. I have to do better. I have to keep his stress levels down. I have to keep the kids calm around him. I have to make things okay again. I don't know how. God knows I try to do things right and God also knows I fail at it. But I have to find a way to do better. I have to. I can't let him get that angry again.

What will I tell the shrink tomorrow? I'll let him lead. If he goes where I don't want to go, I'll go as far as I can. If he hates me, is disgusted by me, thinks I'm a wimp... well, it's what I deserve isn't it? It's certainly what I deserve... I deserve more actually, much worse...

Bless me Father for I have sinned. A lot.