That's just plain cruel.
So we finished the conversation we were having and as I got ready to go I told him, "So, tell me the question so I can have the answer ready when I come back."
He got the weirdest look on his face. He had several different emotions scamper across his features in rapid succession. He didn't say anything for a moment. He looked scared, then embarrassed, then he took a deep breath and gave a little nervous laugh. He tossed the idea about in his head for another moment and it was obvious he was trying to decide if telling me the question would make me flip out. I do have a history of doing that, after all. Then he sits up straight, and by now I've gathered my stuff but not yet stood up. He tried to catch my eye, which I dodged as usual while watching him carefully from the corner of my eye.
And he told me the question with the wary tone of a man asking a question he doesn't want an answer to. He says, "Have you decided where your values lie in regards to your husband and the neighbor guy?"
My stomach clenched like the first drop off the Tower of Terror. The room blurred. The Voices exploded, everyone at once with an opinion that had be declared as loudly as possible. I shut my mouth, hard and fast, and closed my eyes. one, TWO, three, FOUR, five, SIX, seven, EIGHT... and breathe. I stood up as the room stabilized again.
"Don't answer now," he says.
Thank god. This had come out of the blue.
"Are you okay?" Meaning, are you flipping out in my office again...
"Fine. I'll see you next week."
And I left, without looking back. I stood in the hallway for a few minutes, trying to calm all the Voices down enough to get a coherent line of thought. I turned on my mp3 player; the music would take care of some of them. I left the building. I ended up at Starbucks, not quite sure about the details on that but it doesn't matter. I was sitting on the patio with my coffee and my notebook open with my pen in my hand. I had already begun to write. Indeed, I apparently had already completed the writing.
I have not yet decided whether to show it to the shrink, or in some modified form. I can only imagine what he will think of me. I can only imagine what anyone would think of me were they to find out. I put it here to cast it away from me, to get it out of my head, out of my thoughts, over my Wall and into oblivion. Since it has to go somewhere to go away from me, I send it into the infinite obscurity of cyber-space.
Here is what I wrote, in its entirety:
The Question Was Put to Me: "Have you decided where your values lie in regards to your husband and the neighbor guy?"
The Short of the Long: Yes. I stand by my husband. I will continue to do as I'm told. My loyalties are with him, solidly.
The Long of the Short: I trust my husband. I love my husband. He puts up with an awful lot from me. He has stayed by my side through everything despite our issues. I don't do the things I should be doing. I have made so many mistakes - big ones, not trivial stuff - and he has stayed with me anyways. He even still loves me.
Now, he has always been... "determined" in regards to our sexual relations. From the time I was not quite 16 years old, I have known that. I can approach this with different attitudes and reactions. It is my choice. I can go with it and have fun with it. I can try to isolate The Slut and her ideas and feelings and words, draw her out and try to send her straight through the censors. I can make it a good thing and embrace sexuality. OR I can reject his needs. I can fight back or guilt him into leaving me alone. When he insists, if I need to, I can go away until it's safe again. OR I can stay and remind myself how important it is to him and how much I owe him and I can behave as is expected of me.
In regards to "the neighbor guy", that situation isn't a simple "yes" or "no" reaction. There are many factors involved in this. Primary is my objective to do as I'm told. So if Craig says "do this", I am going to do it (with a few notable exceptions). And I know what kind of person this makes me. I know I am evil for doing this. But I have to do as I'm told, even if it makes me uncomfortable sometimes. Let me explain what happened:
Many years ago (this would have been in the February of 1998) , my husband and I took a vacation with this guy and his wife, our best friends at the time. (For reference purposes, I shall refer to "the neighbor guy" as CBF - Craig's Best Friend.) The boys got it into their heads that it would be "fun" to swap. Neither CBF or his wife had ever been with anyone else and I had not amicably been with anyone else either. But I was scared and embarrassed and told Craig I didn't want to do it. He said it would only be once, that I might like it. Then he put his foot down and said it was going to happen and that I would be co-operative.
So... we went to dinner and I had a few drinks and was much more relaxed. When we got back from dinner, we swapped. It was weird; he was so different from Craig. And I made it through the night without breaking down or hiding inside my head. After we got back from vacation, we continued with each others' spouses. And I became accustomed to it, though never really comfortable. I grew to trust CBF. Once, he even stopped when I got upset and didn't even tell Craig. We became close and I started to feel that maybe I loved him. This upset me quite a bit because I still (and always) loved my husband. Confused, I told Craig. He decided my comfort with CBF was an indicator that some "experimentation" would be a good idea, would be "fun." I protested weakly but not enough for him to take me seriously.
They "made arrangements" and I was instructed, as before, to co-operate. I complied. The boys would "make arrangements" every 2 or 3 weeks, sometimes longer. And I did as I was told. I always did as I was told. In the meantime, Craig was still "making arrangements" with CBF's wife and all of us knew about it and sanctioned it.
Fast forward to the late summer / early fall of 2001 but decrease the frequency. When CBF's wife found out about The Other Woman, she cut off all "arrangements" between Craig and herself. They haven't been together since, a fact that Craig regrets but no longer mentions. The boys laid off that summer/fall as I was pregnant and not doing well mentally/emotionally. After my first "psychotic break" in December of 2001, CBF left me alone completely for a long time, probably 6 - 8 months. Then things started back up again. Not frequently and Craig usually gave me enough notice to take a few of whatever anxiety medications I was prescribed at the time. For years I had complied and, as far as CBF knew, I was a willing participant.
One afternoon when "arrangements" had been made, the boys found I was easily embarrassed by the "arrangements." They began The Game. It started as a contest to see who could embarrass me most. Soon they discovered that, if sufficiently embarrassed, I would cry. They thought it in good fun and the objective became to see who could get me to cry first. Craig makes sure I take some Xanax before anything begins and he has reassured CBF that I am as enthusiastic about The Game as they are. I don't say otherwise. Having increased the amount of Xanax I take, it takes a lot more to make me cry. This is offered up as proof that I am "playing" like they are. I don't say otherwise. I do as I'm told.
It is important to distinguish that I do as I'm told not out of fear. Craig would hit the wall before he would hit me! I do as I'm told because they deserve to have their fun since they put up with so much of my crap. It doesn't happen often anymore. Maybe once a month or two months.
Also, it isn't a big deal. I don't want others to know about it but that is only natural. Craig has me take my meds first so I am less stressed and when it is over I push it away and it doesn't matter. It is what it is and if it makes my husband happy, it's good. He deserves to have something he enjoys. Besides, it's just sex, just a tool, a means to an end, and it isn't the first time I've been a payment or a gift. It passes. It all passes.
As they say... This too shall pass...
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