I'm Cured!

Had good news from therapy this morning: I am doing so well and have made so much progress that we have gone to every other week appointments, starting immediately!

Truly, my progress is dramatic. It would be hard to recognize me as the same girl I used to be. Perhaps it would be like looking at identical twins separated at birth; same DNA but not the same person at all.

I started seeing The Shrink at the end of January four years ago following a hospitalization. At the time, I was basically non-functional. I remember my first appointment with him. I was terrified. I didn't want to look at him, let alone talk to him. The only reason I kept going back to anyone was to keep my family happy. The only reason I kept going back to him was because he is gorgeous and has a very soothing voice. At that time I was actively suicidal and completely lost inside my own head. The only thing keeping me alive was guilt over the pain my suicide would have caused.

I've come a long way since then. I am not actively suicidal anymore, meaning that trying to find a way to make it happen without destroying my family no longer consumes me. I just finished my first term back in school with straight A's, missing less than 25 points (out of about 1,600) in all assignments, tests and papers from all four classes. I made it through last spring without being hospitalized and will make it through Christmas/New Year's also. I no longer take the blame for every problem in existence, whether it had anything to do with me or not. I am even able to acknowledge that I have good traits. (I truly love and care about my family and I am intelligent enough to succeed in college.) Recently I have even learned to occasionally stand my ground when I am right. (Granted, that rarely happens, but when it does, I will sometimes stand my ground to defend it. Once, I even stood my ground to defend myself!)

The difference is night and day. The Shrink sees that. He says that I don't need him like I used to and that I am doing great. Pretty soon, even every other week will be unnecessary and it will become once a month and then as needed. YAY ME! I'm graduating...

PostSecret

This isn't my secret. But it could be...

(albeit a little less dramatically. It was actually 2 Januarys ago that I was actively suicidal. Last January, I was just psychotic and incapacitated. Plus, I'm not ready to apply to grad school yet, although I have publicly stated my intentions to do so when the time comes.)

Blah Humbug

I'm not in a Scrooge mood. I just feel intensely apathetic. I keep trying to find my Christmas spirit but so far no luck. I had really hoped that after the school stress was over, I would perk right up. School stress has passed - triumphantly, even, since I did so well. And so many things are happening that I am thankful for! But no Christmas spirit yet.

Christmas wide, we haven't had any major disasters and it looks like we have succeeded in our annual goal to get each kid the one thing on their list (within reason) that they want the most. The tree is up and decorated, Hubby made and put up the Merry Christmas sign that he's been wanting to do for years, most of the shopping is done, plans are made...

Bottom line: there's no reason for me to feel this way. I've tried the "fake it til you make it" approach, the "sit with it so that it can pass" approach, the "list all the reasons why it's wonderful" approach, and tried to do the "watch Christmas movies til you want to puke" approach (although I haven't been able to watch any of the three that I really wanted to see). So what the heck is my problem???

Little things tug at my heartstrings this year while very few things warm my soul. While Christmas shopping, I see toys that would be perfect for Trainwreck's daughter and I hurt. For every bit that I am glad to be rid of her mother, I miss her. I keep making references to things we did "last year" only to be set straight that they were from two years ago - a painful reminder of how much I missed last year. I can't find copies of "It's a Wonderful Life" or a decent version of "A Christmas Carol" to watch. Things like those that are minor and shouldn't have a significant impact.

Meanwhile, the good things either don't lift me as much as would be expected or the feeling doesn't last. I did unimaginably better on my grades than I had even hoped, let alone expected. I proved to myself that I do belong there and can succeed there, and satisfied that flame of competitiveness that I try so hard to ignore. My kids are growing up: Kid-1 went on his first date Friday (it went fabulous!) and Kid-2 will be babysitting for New Year's this year. Our tree looks beautiful and our family picture that we take turned out well. My Oldest Friend and his son decorated the tree with us and I was reminded yet again of how healthy friendships work. Hubby and I had an entire day together to go shopping and things and we had fun. As crazy busy as schedules get, it's hard to find time to do things together so this was very welcomed.

Truly, things are going well! They are better than they have been in years, although I am still struggling with some of the typical demons that rear their head this time of year. With so much to be thankful for (and I am thankful for it in my heart, not just my head)... why can't I find it in me to be merry?

It's not just my missing Christmas spirit. It's everything. I can't seem to consciously control my emotions not matter how many techniques I try so I find myself sad, or disappointed, or ashamed, or frustrated even when I know the emotions are not appropriate for the situation. I correct the negative thoughts and redirect my attention to positive aspects. I use the action/opposite-action method. All the things like those that I have learned over the years. And I still feel like a child's sailboat tossed about in a hurricane.

Oh well. That's enough of this pity-party. The good news is that this year I am mostly apathetic about Christmas instead of suicidally depressed or clueless/psychotic. And I am perfectly capable of sucking it up and smiling at all the right times. This year will pass soon enough and it may not be memorably wonderful but at least it won't be remembered in infamy...

Up and Coming Type of Therapy?

Our last day of psychology class, the prof told us he wanted us to watch a short clip about a style of therapy that may be up and coming. Then he showed us this:



I think this has potential! After all, this is an extremely common reaction by friends and family to psychological problems. I think, in fact, that this might be the origins of CBT......

I DID IT!

Wow! I got my essays and term paper back for ethics this morning. I was very nervous because they were 50% of my grade (all totalled) and I didn't think the term paper and one of the essays went well at all. I GOT FULL POINTS! Not only did I get the maximum points, the professor wrote, "Great Job!!" at the top of my term paper. That landed me a solid 99.3% in that class. Since my sociology test this afternoon went exactly as anticipated, that means I landed all four classes with very solid A's.

I'm so excited that I want to explode. I mean, straight A's is my goal and if I had gotten less than that I would have been seriously pissed at myself. But I guess I didn't think I could actually pull it off. Especially given how horribly critical thinking started off and how difficult my final papers in ethics turned out to be. But I DID IT!

At the same time that I am so proud of myself, I keep wondering why this happened. Why did I get such high scores on all of my assignments in all of my classes when people I know at my college (and even in my classes) got B's or barely scraped by with their A's? I can't figure out what the difference is.

Did I have more time to devote to my studies? I don't know. I have four kids with crazy busy schedules. We had numerous outbreaks of various types of viruses. We also recently got health insurance for the kids so we had physicals scheduled, a million dentist appointments, a couple of specialists, and weekly therapy with Kid-1. I am doing hospice volunteering and trying to spend time with my mom. I even did NaNoWriMo this year with 6 - 10 teenaged girls - every single school day in November except two. (One I had the flu so bad I couldn't see straight and one I had a doctor's appointment to go to.) So... more time? Not than most of the people I know from school.

Do I want it more? A couple of the kids I am thinking of are just that: kids. I'm no where near a kid any more and I've been waiting and struggling for 15 years to get back here. I've been planning every minute detail of this for so long it's scary. So I take it seriously. I pay attention in class - I go to class. I take the notes and study them before the tests. I do the research I need to do. And I refused to give up. So do I just want it more than some of the people that got B's and don't mind?

Part of me wants to think a little of it has to do with intelligence. Did I triumph like that because I'm smarter than others? Of course, the rest of me begins to giggle hysterically at that thought. Yes, I learned the material easily. But it's all introductory level classes. I learned the critical thinking material on my own and then taught it to some of my other classmates but that's because I've always been trained to think logically and critically. My papers got high grades because I love to write and so I've done a lot of it. The fact that I only missed a total of 9 questions out of all of my assignments, tests, and papers in all of my classes is just a reflection of the work I put into it. It's not like these were difficult classes.

I suppose in the end it doesn't really matter why I did so well. And I have no business comparing my performance to anyone else's. I guess I just feel so weird because I almost never come out ahead when I compare my performance to anyone else's. Regardless of why, it looks like I did something right this semester. I hope I can continue it forward into next term and beyond but for right now I will simply bask in the glory...

Things to Be Thankful For

Sometimes the things to be most thankful for are the ones we have to work the hardest to get. Sometimes those things hurt to get to them and other times they are like a breath of fresh air...

* 3 known A's (will find out about the last one tomorrow)

* learning so much at school! (academic and otherwise)

* school is facilitating tremendous healing for me (confidence, pride, and hope, among other things)

* friends at school with similar interests and no melodrama

* impending removal of an emotional canker sore

* return of a true friend, reconnected with an old friend (reminded me of how things are supposed to be)

Surprise of the Day

I am working on the checklist for rating a "good mom". I am laying it out in Excel mostly because I like playing with its calculation abilities. I am breaking it down into very small, very concrete segments (trait, detail, kid) and averaging from the finite to the general using cold, hard numbers. Even on the subjective, which is all I have started so far, the numbers are coming out better overall than I expected them to. Of course, the first things I listed are the things I am comfortable with and good at so I know it will get more realistic soon. Still... I have a 92% adequacy rating on the major categories - WAY higher than it should be. Nonetheless, it feels good-ish. I hope to post more as I decide on the numbers.

+----- UPDATE 12/1/2009-----+

Final Tally (Pre-Therapy):
* Overall Subjective Average = 71%
* Overall Objective Average = 77%

Random Thoughts

Once again my head is swimming with ideas I want to bounce around but don't have the time to do full blog posts about. Usually, by the time I have the time I am willing to spend on blogging, most of the ideas have dwindled into hazy memories, if they are still present at all. So here's a quick list, to remind myself later, what I was mulling over today:

Thanksgiving: How to be grateful with a pessimistic outlook.

Theory vs Application: I understand so much of what I am learning in my life. In academics, I have started to see everyday examples of the concepts we are studying. A few still escape me, like trying to tell when a fallacy, although wrong in structure, may still be true in content. Mostly, though, the things I learn in therapy and life seem to escape me when it comes time to put them into practice. I am perfectly capable of identifying the good side to almost anything... but it is an intellectual recognition and more often than not, there is no corresponding boost in optimism. Or I understand the concept of being more willing to accept my strengths but when I try to incorporate the thoughts, my head explodes with negativity. I get it... I just can't use it.

Things I Do Right: The Shrink had me make a list of 20 things I do right. It was a nightmare and I still only got 12 honest ones and another 6 with strong conditions attached. That's close...

Checklist for Qualities and Actions that Make a "Good Mom": this is the homework for this week. We made a list of qualities that a good mom necessarily possesses. Now I need to go through and give each one two ratings, scale 0 - 100. One rating is an objective rating of how well I achieve the item, striving to be based on evidence and NOT on feeling. The other rating is the opposite. It is how well I feel that I achieve the item, my own subjective perception of it. Next week we'll tackle the evidence versus the perception.

Ditch the Religion: I am on a bit of an anti-religion kick at the moment. This is not to be confused with atheism or even agnosticism. I still consider myself very spiritual. But I simply cannot back organized religion at this time. I tried, believe me I tried! I think it would be so much easier to have that kind of blind faith in the teachings of a particular doctrine, faith so unshakable that it supports my spirit when I would despair, faith so unquestioning that, even when life contradicts everything that seems good and holy, I could still cling to it and stay afloat. And I tried... I did the whole church every Sunday thing. We took most of the new member class and learned about the religion. But I just can't swallow it.

The meaning of Christmas: Given the anti-religious sentiments I have at the moment, where does Christmas fit into my life? I'm not buying into the whole "birth of the Savior" concept because I don't buy into most of the foundation for it. But in my mind, Christmas transcends Christianity. It is about humanity. I need to find my Christmas spirit soon. To do that, I will need to reassess what Christmas actually means to me.

What is a Racist? I started a post on this. Is it first thoughts? Consciously corrected thoughts? Spoken beliefs? Actual behavior? If you are racist but don't want to be, does that mean you actually aren't? Or does it mean that you will forever be racist?

R-E-S-P-E-C-T: What is respect? Why do we give it? Why do we withdraw it? Why do we lose it? What makes someone worthy of respect? Why do we respect or withdraw respect for the wrong reasons? Must respect be mutual to be valid?

Life Lessons of Late: I've learned some pretty huge things here recently. I learned the difference between rescuing and helping. I've learned the value of trust. I've learned that sometimes the opinions that others express can be right even when we don't want to believe them. I've learned to stand my ground, at least a little bit. I've learned that placing any expectations at all on someone sets me up to be let down and/or betrayed, no matter how appropriate those expectations are. I've learned that I can do something right - even on my own merits. I've learned that being "good at" does not require being "perfect at". I've learned that unconditional love doesn't go away, even after a betrayal, even if you want it to. I've learned that loving a person does not require wanting to associate with them. I've learned that a horrible experience with one person does not mean another person will be horrible too, even in similar circumstances. I've learned that kids are tough, tougher than I am sometimes.

Happy Holidays! Some people get irritated when people say happy holidays instead of merry christmas. But what if you say it that way not to be politically correct but because you hope that all of their holidays are happy? Merry Christmas is rather limiting in that respect. I think I am going to try "May all your holidays be happy!" instead of MC or HH...

(PS - pardon the lack of proof-reading. I am WAY out of time!!)

Forgetting to Breathe

Sounds like the title of a poem or song or short story or even a novel, doesn't it? Very emo, I think. But I don't mean it that way actually, although I may take that title and do something with it some day. But this post isn't anything creative or emotional, it's just another bitch fest. I can whine here because no one is being forced to listen to it. So, for anyone reading, consider yourself warned. You may want to get some cheese to go with this whine...

I am sick - again. I have either a nasty cold or the start of the flu. My throat feels like ground up meat and my voice is gone, ranging from soft and hoarse to almost no sound coming out. I feel like there is a weight on my chest - not an elephant at least, more like a heavy cat stretched out for a nap. I have a very small cough that tastes beyond nasty and hurts.

But it's the upper respiratory stuff that gets weird... My head is stuffy and pressure sensitive. Nothing unusual there. But my nose alternates between being clogged with concrete and open, albeit runny and slightly sore. When it's clogged, I keep forgetting to breathe. I know that sounds weird but what else would you expect from me? Once again I think a medical degree would be handy. Failing that, here is my best guess at what is happening.

I am almost exclusively a nose breather. So when my nose gets completely clogged, I end up accidentally holding my breath. Then my lungs start to yell at me, "HEY! REMEMBER US? BREATHE DAMMIT!" and I inhale deeply and remind myself to breathe for a while, until I forget and repeat the whole process.

In all, it really isn't all that serious. I suspect it is just a cold since I don't have a fever at all. And the rest of the symptoms, while certainly not fun, aren't nearly as bad as they could be. I did skip class today because I am 100% ready for the test Monday and all we are doing is continued review for it. The high probability of passing around my cold plus the pain of trying to talk with no voice just wasn't worth putting in an appearance just to say I was there.

At any rate, I hope this goes away soon. I'm struggling with mental and emotional fatigue enough as it is without adding physical fatigue and illness to the mix!

When the Comment are More Fun Than the Post

So I am an example of how Americans will believe anything and a veritable case study in effective marketing. I was watching TV in a mindless fashion. (The kind where it's playing a lame kids' show and I'm not actually watching it but was too lazy/disinterested to change the channel or turn it off.) This commercial comes on for a game called "MindFlex" that claims you control the levitation of a foam ball by modifying your level of concentration. It claims to use a type of EEG reading technology then translate it into a degree of intensity which it transmits from the wireless headset to game base and changing how hard the air from the fan blows, thus changing how high or low the ball goes.

It sounded totally AWESOME but highly suspicious. True to form, I hit the internet to try to find "the truth" - a laughable aim given the realm. First I hit the site for the game itself: http://mindflexgames.com/. There is some great hype there but the FAQ say basically nothing useful. Next I hit Amazon to see the price and any user reviews. At Amazon, there was a wide range of user perspectives. Most were very favorable but one of them said they hooked it up to their fingers and it still behaved the same way.

That was a red flag for me so I kept digging. That led me to an article at gizmodo. The article itself is relatively useless with no new light shed on the toy. But the comments!! The comments had me literally LOL, to the point that the kids wanted to know what was so funny.

I highly recommend the article for geeks who want a laugh...

Witnessing the Good Too

I usually use my blog to work through issues that are bothering me. As a result, most of my posts are whining and boring and complaining and just overall negative. Sometimes when something good happens and it's big, I'll put it in here but all of the small good things rarely, if ever, make into posted form. From reading this, you can clearly see that I am a pessimist by habit.

Would you have believed that I am the person who can find a positive in any situation? That I am the girl who will point out and focus on that glimmer of silver lining, regardless of how small it seems compared the the darkness around it? That I am the girl who taught my kids how to find the good things? In my relations with others, with very few exceptions, I always include "the good news is" along with any downside. Can you picture that?

Seems hideously out of character for me. But I do. The reason it seems so baldly contrary to what I put on here isn't that I don't point out positives here, because I do sometimes. The difference is that here I don't pretend to believe that those good things balance out for the bad ones. I don't hide my pessimism here like I have to when speaking to people. Pessimism is the worst social offense there is apparently; I learned that long ago and so closely censor my words to reflect a more positive attitude. I hope some day to find a way to get my feelings to match my words but so far have been unsuccessful.

So that's the first part of this. Although I am pessimistic and whiny and doom-and-gloom on here, in conversations with others, I always try to point out a silver lining. The second part of this post will look at the good I am feeling right now.

I was walking across campus today on my way to my 9am class. That's right, 9 am. And yes, I still hate mornings. This morning the sun was shining, the trees are turning, the weather is crisp but not yet frigid and I was prepared for class. I wasn't whistling, but pretty damned close. If I were the whistling kind, I think I would have been.

I consciously inhaled deeply and let it out with a smile on my face. Not the smile that I use in my attempt to appear the way I think people want me to appear, not a self-conscious, embarrassed, smiling because I wish I was under a rock and don't know what else to do kind of smile, not a bemused I can't believe I am in this situation kind of smile. It was a real smile. I smiled because I felt happy. No one was looking at me, expecting me to smile; I smiled because I was happy. (Hey! Stop laughing! I do too smile!)

And I realized, in that moment, that I feel happy overall. There are things in my life that still suck. I have way more bills to pay than I have money to pay them. My house is still a disaster zone. I still struggle with the kids. My body is still hurting in way too many places. Etc etc etc. But the bright side, for the first time in so long, is stronger than the doom and gloom. I can't remember the last time the balance tipped this way, not since my junior year of high school. (That's been a while! LOL)

Walking across campus this morning created one of my infamous "Golden Memories" and anyone who knows me and has heard the stories of my Golden Memories also knows that they are extremely rare. But what was different about this is that it wasn't triggered by the situation I was in. It was a Christmas morning out of a fairy tale story or a surreal walk through Lothlorien or anything like that. It was because I knew that for the first time in a VERY long time, I feel more happy than depressed.

Here are some reasons that I am feeling good:

- I am in school and doing very well
- I have friendships with peers rather than having to be someone's mother or the poop on the bottom of their shoe
- my meds are a good mix right now: I can sleep when I need to sleep and wake up when I need to wake up
- the tension between Hubby and I that I didn't realize was there has eased off
- I'm learning how to have my own opinions instead of adopting the opinion of whomever I am with
- I'm opening up to the possibility that I do have something good about me that isn't a direct consequence or reflection of someone else making me look good. I'm doing it on my own.
- things are going SOOO much better with Kid-1. It's more than a lack of conflicts. Situations that had been sending him off the deep end have made him mad (and mouthy at times) but NO tantrums. YAY!
- I reconnected with an old friend. I'd thought about getting in touch with so many times in the past years but was too afraid. Mom's cancer scare pushed me finally do it and I am SO glad I did. I forgot what it was like to have a healthy friendship.

Things aren't perfect. And the things that suck still suck. But things are going in the right direction and are better than they have been in so long that I forgot they actually could be good.

(PS-This isn't proofread cuz I'm running late so excuse the many typos and spelling problems that are likely in it!)

I'm Going to Hell (Happily)

Dear Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

I don't know if you are still reading this. If so, you have my blessing to do so. I added a reply comment to yours if you are interested. If you aren't reading, I wish you all the best in your life and your future.

Sincerely,

Me

So Many Thoughts, So Little Time

I have had so many topics in my mind lately that I have wanted to try to work through on paper but simply haven't been able to put high enough on the priority list to justify the time they will take to write. At the moment, I have a few minutes in the library where I don't HAVE to be doing anything. This is designated "school time" but I am caught up on everything except a little reading for Ethics class. (I've skimmed it but it would be ideal for me to go through and read it carefully, even if we will be discussing all of the relevant points in class.) I have a few emails I could send also but they are not at all time critical and, to be honest, I need a bit of a brain break. Nonetheless, I don't have the time to get down all of my thoughts on these ideas but want to at least jot down the topics so I can remember that I was thinking about them.

What Makes a Racist? What role do thoughts have in the judgment that someone is a racist? If their first thought involves a racist judgment, does that make the person a racist? Does it matter what conscious thoughts they replace (or reinforce) the first thoughts with? Does it matter if their behavior intentionally excludes any form of racist actions? There is a huge spectrum here between first thoughts through habitual execution of racist thoughts, beliefs, actions and patterns - where does the hammer come down?

My Attempt to Explore Sociological Principles Through Science Fiction: I have a world brewing in my mind that explores sociological perspectives and what would happen under certain conditions. The beauty of sci-fi is the author's ability to order societal conditions along their own thoughts without reproach. What can be judged analytically is the degree that the story logically and accurately carries out the premises presented. I can create any world I want to, without limits, but the behaviors of the characters must still be consistent with the backstory established and any deviation from known variables must have a valid explanation and derivation from established concepts. For example, I can't have humans flying about under their own power without explaining why they can do that when we what we know of humans precludes this act. At any rate, I find myself retreating into the theoretical concepts of this world whenever I get too stressed, overwhelmed, or bored - especially bored. I have jokingly begun thinking of this world as my test drive since so much of it has been conceived while I am driving.

Always the Middle Path: So many concepts here are being presented as black and white issues. It feels like we are being told to accept all of a position or none of it. I honestly didn't realize the extent that The Shrink has "trained" me to look for the middle path until I find myself irritated that people don't want to do it. It just seems to blatantly obvious that there is an exception to every rule except this one. (I love that little paradox, by the way; it's even more fun than This statement is false.

Getting Stronger: Lately I have been told by several people close to me that I seem "better". Most of them mean or say that I am stronger, more confident, less despondent. Most of them seem to attribute this my finally returning to school and to the now-blessed removal of Her from my life. I think they are partially right. The more I think about it, the more I think that the difference in not in either of these events and more in the fact that I am finally starting to learn to apply all of those concepts that The Shrink and my Guardian Angel have been trying to teach me for so long. The environment I was in tended to harshly punish any attempt to apply those theories, sometimes out of prior conceptions of how I "always" behave or how I "should" behave, sometimes because the situations themselves were unhealthy but, because I had no concept of what "healthy" looks like that I couldn't understand what they meant. Here at school I am seeing how the real world functions. At home, my Oldest Friend (in years I have known him, not his age) has almost moved in due to a very similar situation as She was in. (He sleeps and keeps his stuff at my parents' house but spends all of his time at ours by mutual agreement and due to a number of factors. I have been thoroughly shocked at the difference between what I thought was "normal" and the new experiences in these two areas. So finding the middle path has paid off, as has setting appropriate boundaries.

My Oldest Friend: He has moved back home due to a series of unpleasant events in the state where he used to live. Although he technically lives with my parents, in all but sleeping, he lives with us. Part of my wants to say that this distinction is the heart of the vast difference in experience between Her living with us and him living with us. I still want to give her the benefit of the doubt, regardless of what people want to say. But truly, they are light years apart. Partly it is because I have FINALLY learned the difference between "helping" and "rescuing" but by far the biggest factor is his attitude. I had no idea it was "supposed" to work this way but so many people have told me this is true and I am having to reassess my certainty in my ideas of what behavior is "appropriate" and what is not. This is so much healthier and comfortable. I didn't know those two concepts could exist simultaneously!

Grades, Intelligence, Motivation, and Opportunity: It is official. I have overwhelmingly straight As in all four of my classes. I have perfect scores in 3 of them and a 99.3% in the other due solely to missing a class from the flu. That horribly selfish and vain and narcissistic part of my wants to say that part of this is because of my intelligence. After all, despite equal motivation and time spent, I am the only one who got a A on the critical thinking exam. Of course, realism triumphs and I recognize that I am just more motivated and invested in my grades than the other students. Quite simply, I care more about learning and getting the As than the others who do not have these scores. There is also the very strong factor that I have the luxury of being able to focus on school when I am in school and that I have the support of family and friends in being here. Quite obviously, no matter what the little devil in me says, it is not intelligence but effort that matters. If the others cared as much as I do and could apply themselves as much as I can, they would be right here besides me. Regardless of why I am succeeding, I find myself (surprisingly) proud of myself for doing it.

And my time is up... actually it was up 10 minutes ago and now I will be late so I'm off to the "real world" now. I hope to expand on these previews later but we'll see. I have my priorities, after all...

*Note: this is NOT proof read so I apologize for the spelling, grammar and typos that are most certainly scattered through this post!

Keep on Rocking!

Well, I've had exams in every one of my 4 classes now. The psychology course was almost a given and didn't disappoint: 25/25.

The sociology exam worried me as I hadn't studied but I got 96% and the prof added 4% points to everyone's test for the curve. So when all was said and done, I got 100% on it.

My big Ethics test (the one I spent most of the last week freaking out over) was due Friday night before midnight. I turned in my final copies Thursday night (technically Friday morning) about 3 am. Obviously, I haven't heard about that grade yet. Shockingly, I actually feel confident that I did alright. Each essay had to be "approximately" 2 pages double-spaced; 2 of them ended up just under two and half pages and the third one was exactly 2 pages. I didn't have any doubts about what the answers should be; the hardest part was keeping it short enough. If I don't get full points, it won't be from not knowing the answers; it will be because what I knew turned out to be wrong. I hope he has them ready Thursday. (Monday and Tuesday are Fall Break.)

Then there was the Critical Thinking test. I could write a post long enough to fill a book on that alone. It was far worse than I feared - I had to guess on HALF of it! I never had to guess that much on an exam. And I did study too! So he goes to hand back the exams on Wednesday and says that the scores were far lower than he expected - gee go figure!!!! Apparently there was only ONE A in both classes. The average score for our class was 15/30 and 16/30 for the other section. blush I was that A. I scored 28/30 before the VERY generous curve he ended up using. (He ended up adding 9 points to everyone's test to the maximum of 30 points.) We are still meeting with the department head to find something to do about the prof - he just CANNOT teach adequately!

I have to say... I have been surprised at how easily the academic part of this is going. I was just sure I would be studying non-stop trying to keep up, stressed out of my skull over trying to get decent grades. And I'm just not. I mean, I have to pay attention and I have to study before the tests, but not only can I do this, I am doing this! Based on what I have heard and read about others' experiences, I expected it to be so much more difficult.

Hubby, my friends, my family, even The Shrink keep saying they knew I could do it and that it's going so smoothly because I am so intelligent. I don't know that it's really that. I think it's just that this is important to me, really really important to me. So maybe it isn't that I am any smarter than the people I am comparing myself to; more likely it is just that I am more committed to doing well and won't accept "good enough" unless it is full success. But whatever the reason... it sure feels good!

I ROCK THE WORLD!!

Okay, I don't rock the entire world... but my world was rocked today. I got back my essay question #2 for Honors Ethics this morning. The prof (whom I absolutely adore!) was willing to preview our responses to let us know what modifications needed to be made before the final due date this Friday night. I got the maximum points with no comments. He told us that means it's perfect as is. YAY ME!

I also got the results back from my sociology exam that I took last week. Bear in mind that I was taking Vicoden at the max dose I could take and still be safe to drive and I had the stomach flu. I thought I missed 3 - 5 questions. Figuring them at 1 point each, I was hoping for a 97%. Except they are worth 2 points each. I got a 96%. Neither of the 2 questions I missed were any of the ones I thought I got wrong. One I missed because I was absent the day she gave the information. (I got notes from a classmate but he took astonishingly few notes and I didn't get that piece of info. Note to self: prisoners cannot take college courses using tax money. Duh me! lol) The other one I missed because of the wording of the answers provided. I spoke to the prof after class and I had the concept correct; I just didn't connect the concept with the key phrase in the correct response.

So I got a 96% on the test. Which is an A. But, just to sweeten my victory, that 96% is before she adds 4% to our score. That's her idea of a curve. Not sure if it was based on my 96% (which just so happened to be the highest grade in the class! TEE HEE!) or if that is her standard addition. Either way, it means I ended up with 100% on the test. HURRAY!!

Needless to say, (I hate that phrase - if it really is needless to say it, why am I saying it?!?!?!) I am feeling very confident about my grades and, by extension, my ability to succeed. It is somewhat lessened by the absolutely HORRIFIC test yesterday in critical thinking but that detraction is softened by the knowledge that I did everything in my power to study for the test and everyone I spoke to did horribly as did everyone they spoke to. (Thus the reason we are putting into motion something to protest the quality of the teaching, but that is another, much longer, story.)

Bottom line: I AM SO PROUD OF MYSELF!!

You Can Do It

I have a test on Monday in critical thinking. I'm scared that I will bomb it because the professor really needs to find a new calling. (For the record, this isn't just me whining because I am struggling in the class. Everyone I've talked to in the class - without exception - thinks this guy can't teach and is scared about the test.) Failing this test would mean bad news for the class which would mean mean bad news for the GPA. Based on the information I received at the grad school seminar, I CAN'T afford to have a sub-par GPA. So I'm worried about this test.

People keep telling me that I can do it and that I'll do just fine.

I understand why they are telling me this. It's a pep talk and a vote of confidence. It's a compliment and a wish. And it is flattering; don't get me wrong. The problem is, while it feels good to know that people have confidence in my abilities that frequently surpass my own, they refuse to acknowledge that failure actually is a possibility.

I am a pessimist by nature. But I have honed this pessimism into a way of calming my anxiety. I look at the best possible outcome. I tend to hope for the best but not really think it will happen. Then I look at the worst possible outcome and figure out what I would do if that came to pass. If I can find a way to make it through the worst possible outcome, I know that I can handle whatever actually happens because it will be somewhere between the best and the worst and I know how to handle each of those. So when I'm freaking out over the worst possible potential outcome, having someone tell me that it won't come to pass (regardless of how likely it is or isn't) is completely counter-productive. The message I end up hearing is, Success is the only acceptable option. If you fail, I will be displeased. My head knows this isn't what they mean; my anxiety translates it into that anyways.

Here is how this type of conversation generally plays out:

Me: I'm really worried about this test on Monday!
Friend: You'll do fine.
Me: I don't know. The prof is psycho, the material is vague, and I am distracted. I might not do fine.
Friend: Nonsense. You can do it. I know you can!
Me: But what if I can't?
Friend: You can. You just have to think positively.
Me: Yeah, you're right. (But thinking "You just don't get it at all, do you?")

I come out of the conversation not only NOT feeling better, supported, encouraged, and uplifted but actually feeling more nervous because I still see failure as a possibility and now feel that failing would also be letting down the friend with the unshakable confidence in me.

This is how I WISH that type of conversation would go:

Me: I'm really worried about this test on Monday!
Friend: You'll do fine.
Me: I don't know. The prof is psycho, the material is vague, and I am distracted. I might not do fine.
Friend: Okay, so what is the worst thing that could happen?
Me: I could fail the test, thereby lowering my final grade, thereby lowering my GPA, thereby not being able to get into graduate school.
Friend: And what if that happens?
Me: I guess I would retake the class to fix the GPA.
Friend: How likely is it really that you will fail the test?
Me: Well, maybe not fail it but certainly not getting an A is a real possibility.
Friend: Which is far better than failing it!
Me: Well, yeah
Friend: Is there anything you can do to make you more likely to succeed than fail?
Me: Study
Friend: Okay then. Study for the test. Do the best you can. If you fail it, retake the class. But stressing out over it won't help your grade nor will will change what happens if you don't do well. So chill out. Breathe! (lol)
Me: Right. Breathe. Study. Chill. Okay, I can do that.

And now I have a plan of action, I am prepared for the best and worst scenarios, I feel listened to and understood and not judged and I am ready to do the best I can and be okay with it. Life is good again! But that isn't how we've been taught to react to someone expressing a lack of confidence in themselves.

A prime example of this is last year when Hubby went to Atlanta for train school. I was terrified that I wouldn't be able to handle it. I wanted someone to tell me that while they thought I could handle it, even if I couldn't, it wouldn't be the end of the world and we could handle whatever happened when it happened. No one would concede there was a possibility of me crashing and burning. Everyone kept saying that I could do it, that I was strong enough, that it would be fine. They dismissed my worries as being paranoid and pessimistic.

The time came, Hubby went off to train school, and guess what happened! I fell apart. If not for my then best friend and my family and friends, I don't know what would have happened. It got ugly. We eventually recovered but not really until Hubby went on furlough from the trains and went back to his other job.

Only then, after all was back to a relative state of "okay", did people start admitting that they weren't sure I could handle it. A couple of them privately thought there was a very slim chance that I would be okay. But NONE of them would tell me that!!!

And it made it so much worse. Because not only did I have the stress of the situation, I had the pressure to succeed at it. I was convinced that if I fell apart, there would be irreparable damage to my kids and everyone else and that everyone would be mad at me or disappointed in me or disgusted with me because everyone thought I could (and therefore should) be able to handle it. Had people been honest with me, I might have been able to form a backup plan so that when things started to go south, I had options and support to try to fix them rather than feeling isolated and inferior. Would it have kept me from falling over the edge of the precipice into disaster? Maybe not but I do think it wouldn't have been as bad as it ended up.

To be fair and to give credit where credit is due... tonight my Writing-Buddy walked me through almost exactly the example of how I wish a conversation might go. And she did it unprompted. Some of my friends will walk me through the process if I remind them that I need that. But she did it without me having to ask for it (which takes away some of the power because it then feels fake). So THANK YOU to her; I am going to study what I can, do the best I can on the test and if I bomb it I will move forward from there. And I feel better now!

Can I do it? Probably-maybe-I-don't-know. Will the world end if I can't? No. Are there things I can do to make it more likely to succeed? Probably-maybe-I-don't-know. Then do them, try my best, and move on from there....

Many Little Things

It is one of those times where a host of smallish problems has added up to the feeling of being overwhelmed, powerless, and devoid of hope.

My mouth hurts worse than I ever remember it hurting except when my jaw was broken. Nothing eases it enough for me to concentrate.

Kid-1 is in a vicious cycle of defiance that is exhausting to deal with for all of us.

A stomach flu bug is making its rounds through the house. Kid-3 had it Monday, I had it yesterday, Kid-2 has it today...

I didn't get as much studying done before my sociology exam as I would have liked, mostly due to the above named factors, so I think I missed at least 5 points on the exam (out of 100 possible points).

I am trying to go through the study guide for my critical thinking class and once again frustrated beyond belief at the way the class is playing out. The presentation of the material has been spotty and downright counter-productive at times. There are things on this study guide that we NEVER DISCUSSED and aren't in our books either.

Hubby needs me to do some major revisions for our popcorn sales tracking program for Cub Scouts. I can do them; it will just be time consuming and a little bit frustrating.

Mom has to go in for a PET scan on Friday. They ordered a repeat CT scan to check on the pneumonia spot in her lung that seemed odd when she was first diagnosed. It is still there and it isn't pneumonia. We are all thinking the same thing but no one wants to say it out loud: lung cancer. She has been a prolific smoker since she was a teenager so this isn't a paranoia-induced, unlikely possibility. But I am terrified. I am scared for her, for my dad, for my kids and for myself. I'm not ready to lose my mother! I know I am getting way ahead of myself here so I am trying very hard not to panic. So far, it isn't working.

And, of course, in addition to all of these added stressors, there are all of the normal ones. The worry about money, the kids' grades, extra-curricular activities, church, household maintenance, laundry, dishes, in-laws.... The list goes on and on, as it always has and undoubtedly always will. Right now, today, I don't feel strong enough to handle everything. All of these straws, so insignificant on their own, are adding up to a very heavy weight. And I can't afford to have my back break for all the normal reasons.

Please God, make me a bird, so I can fly far, far away from here...
Please God, make me a bird, so I can fly far, far away from here...
Please God, make me a bird, so I can fly far, far away from here...
Please God, make me a bird, so I can fly far, far away from here...
Please God, make me a bird, so I can fly far, far away from here...

Bleh

I should be doing my homework.

I really don't want to do it. It will only take a few minutes and it is super easy. The thing is... I have a hard time getting motivated in this class. I keep ending up over prepared. That is so discouraging.

Blech. Alright, gonna go do it.

It's so tough: I have to look up a little bit about parodies of the ontological argument for the existence of God. The ontological argument basically says that God is either necessarily existent (by definition must exist) or impossible (its definition contradicts itself - like a round square). Since God isn't impossible, God must be necessarily existent.

(Note: I am not saying I believe the ontological argument proves the existence of God; I am simply stating the argument as we have been taught in class.)

The parodies of this argument are numerous (and humorous!) with the most popular of these being The Flying Spaghetti Monster. I have a link to this at the bottom of my blog (and have for a long time). For class tomorrow I have to figure out what a parody is and find at least one example. Well, gee Wally, I don't know if I can handle that...

I have to say, school hasn't been what I expected. In most respects it is so much BETTER than I even dreamed. I love the classes. I love the knowledge. I love the potential. I have met a good friend and her hubby and feel like I am making connections with the professors. I am in awe of the attitudes and environment. Instead of spoon-feeding us the "right" answers, they are presenting me with the information and letting me make up my own mind. Even my one class where we are being treated like freshmen in high school, he has made it infinitely clear that he isn't trying to tell us what to think, only how to think.

Homework hasn't been anything like I expected. Based on my limited observations, I thought I would be having to study my brains out, always struggling to stay on top of things, worrying out papers that would be coming out of my ears. I made sure to budget all kinds of time to do homework and worried about where else I could sneak in the extra time. I had no idea how I would ever be able to say anything in class, let alone participate at an appropriate level.

After 4 weeks of class, I have to look at those expectations and say AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! What a joke. I am not having a lick of trouble in any of my classes. I find myself getting so frustrated because I have this pathetic tendency to DO the work that the professors assign only to find that half the rest of the class didn't do it and half of those who did do it had trouble with it. Meanwhile, I had been lamenting about how easy it was compared to what I expected. I am ahead of schedule in all of my classes and crushingly disappointed that there is no one to talk to about all the awesome things I am learning and how many connections there are between my classes. Mentally, school so far is NOT taxing at all.

I really don't know how to interpret this. On one hand, I think it is most likely just that it is only 4 weeks into the term. I'm sure it will get harder as I go. Once the "honeymoon period" is over, I will enjoy school less, right? Once it comes to turning in those papers, I will panic more about getting them done adequately, right? It has to be just that I haven't hit anything hard yet, right? On the other hand, my observations of others in my classes and limited knowledge of others in other classes... they already seem neck-deep in homework and readings. Even kids in my critical thinking class (the one I end up over-preparing for just by doing the readings and assignments) seem to be struggling to understand the material.

Maybe it comes easier to me? In high school I put forth minimal effort and pulled As and Bs. I never studied for tests. I never had trouble understanding material (except in calculus which I dropped and chemistry which I just couldn't get my head around). Now, I am doing the assigned readings, paying attention and taking notes in all my classes, and actually attending all my classes (which seems to be a novel concept for so many of my classmates - I don't get this at all; some of them don't go to class because they just don't feel like it, putting the strangest things as higher priorities!). Maybe that's enough to make the difference. I certainly can't believe that I have any quality which others do not that is helping me absorb the material better or quicker and so making it mentally easier on me than I expected! LOL

On the other hand, the physical demands of it are way more than I had anticipated. My plan was to spend a week getting acclimated to walking so much and doing stairs. Then to start going to the gym 3 days a week to give out the Couch-2-5K program. Well, I just finished my 4th week on campus and I still hurt so badly just from the walking and the stairs that I don't dare add to it. The feeling glass in my right knee has returned. Every muscle in my body is saying rude things to me. I am eating ibuprofen like candy (800 mg every 4-6 hours). It doesn't help that I am as fat and lazy and out of shape as I am but I honestly don't know whether to push harder or back off or hold my ground. I made an appointment with my doctor to see what to do about the knee and general muscle fatigue. I want to get moving as soon as I can but I can't handle much additional pain right now.

The aspect of returning to school that has surprised me the most is the emotional fatigue. I don't know why I didn't expect it. By the time I leave campus, I am fried emotionally. The amount of energy it takes for me to project confidence and calmness and smile and keep my head up... I still have not managed to pull off keeping my head up while I cross campus. I watch my feet and a little ways in front of me - eye contact is beyond me. I am just so afraid the whole time I am there. I feel out of place, for one thing: this fat, middle aged woman wandering around campus among these young, beautiful, confident kids. I want to hide all the time. In class I have to actually step aside of myself a little bit because of the fear. Obviously I don't completely back off - I have had it drilled into me hard enough that dissociating at school would be a VERY bad thing.

By the end of the day, I am running on empty emotionally. As I settle into the car after classes, all I can think is Thank God the say is over! only to remember that I still have another 4 hours of running to do and an additional 4 hours of home things. I know that it doesn't sound like much to most people. So I'm taking 4 classes this term - so what? It's not like I'm working or doing even a semi-adequate job of keeping up at home...

But I am trying (with the help of the Shrink and Hubby) to acknowledge everything I am doing: 4 classes, plus 4 kids (who are currently in 12 regularly scheduled activities plus the things that are immediately after school), hospice volunteering, all the catching up on doctors' appointments and dentist appointments, 2 sets of weekly therapy, new member class at church and all the normal household things. That's a lot of things.

In my mind, it doesn't count for much because I'm still not able to keep the house clean. The point system we set up last spring/summer is working well. It helps a lot, having the living room back for general use and the decrease in overall upkeep required with more people in the house. Still, the laundry and the dishes are my mortal enemies. I would give anything to be able to make myself enjoy housekeeping. But I don't; I despise it more than almost anything. And as a result, my laziness, selfishness and extreme lack of motivation tend to win. Doing so well at school, even with as easy as that is coming mentally, doesn't change the fact that I am a crappy wife, an inadequate mother, an abominable housekeeper, and a pathetic person.

Cute Kids Make Better Charity Cases

I've been thinking a bit about people's perceptions regarding charity. It's no secret that adorable children make the best pleas for aid. Combine a cute kid with a visibly miserable situation and people's hearts are more likely to swell with pity and be moved to deeds of charity. To really turn on the waterworks, take a cute kid in a crappy visual environment and have him or her plead for aid with politeness and grace, humility and gratitude. BAM - instant support!

But the reality is by and large extremely different than the idyllic imagery we play out in our minds or in the media publicity. Most kids in desperate situations show physical signs of their need. They are not just dirty and in torn clothes. They may have physical deformities or unusual physical traits associated with their particular plight. They may have scars or other visually uncomfortable distinguishing features. And most of all, just like in the population as a whole, the vast majority of real kids do not have idyllic, runway-model looks; they are by and large average looking with exceptions at either end of the spectrum from angelic to homely. In short, the reality of how these desperate children look is directly contrary to the pretty picture we paint or that the media paints for us to trigger our sympathies.

But it goes so much farther than that. When the average person performs a charitable deed, whether small like dropping coins in the Salvation Army's Christmas pail or extensive like volunteering significant time and resources to provide aid to a cause, we hold certain expectations of the results it will bring. Specifically, we firmly expect the recipient to be both grateful and humble. We often go so far as to expect praise of our moral character for performing the deed. The idyllic transaction might play out like this: (this is the meaning, not a specific example of dialog)

Child: Please help me! I need warm winter clothing and healthy food to eat. I can't get these things without your wonderful assistance. If you give me what I am needing, I can be normal and healthy and happy and I will love you for changing my life!

Charitable Person: Why of course I will help you! You remind me how lucky I am to not have to suffer like you do. I can give you what you ask without causing undue hardship to myself and I will be making the world a better place. I will rescue you from your pain. I will show myself and the world that I am a good person of significant moral worth! Here, have my scraps...

Child: Oh thank you so very much! You are so good and kind and praiseworthy! I appreciate your aid from the bottom of my heart and I will remember you with gratitude forevermore! You are the hero that rescued me from this hell that is not of my own making into a better place where I can grow up to be like you: healthy, wealthy and wise. I give you this token of my appreciation; I spent a huge amount of personal effort on it because you made such an impact on me and I am eternally grateful...

Charitable Person: You are so very welcome! I feel better about myself knowing that I have changed your life for the better and am now a hero in the mind of at least one person. I am going to bask in this praise and use it to justify to myself how I deserve all these comforts because I gave you my scraps to rescue you...

Okay so that isn't what either of them would explicitly say but all of the interactions thereabout can be boiled down to these messages. They are exaggerated for effect here, but this is the idyllic image we tend to envision.

Reality doesn't quite work that way. Not only are the children usually not the perfect little cherubim we have envisioned, but their attitudes and demeanor has been affected by their circumstances. They had no one to teach them humility and manners. All of their life experiences have taught them to distrust others, to look out for themselves, to depend only on themselves, to take what they require - by whatever means necessary - because no one will give it to them otherwise. They are fighters; they are strong but they are hardened from repeated circumstantial battering.

By and far, the more common emotional reactions to charitable deeds would be distrust of motives, anger at the tangible proof of how things are unfair and cruel, hostility born from resentment both at not having what the giver has and at the reasons why they don't have those things, pride and a sense of accepting the deed grudgingly because, while they need it, they don't want to admit that they cannot sustain themselves without the aid of people they perceive to have absolutely no understanding of their world.

A couple takes in a foster child and their (sometimes unstated and/or unconscious) expectation is that the child will be so grateful to them for being so magnanimous, as in the case of Pete from Pete's Dragon. But in reality these kids tend to be angry. They don't believe that the couple will be there for them, love them, and treat them right. The circumstances that necessitated the need for a foster home have taught these kids that parentals cannot be trusted or relied upon. They act out to test their assumptions and sometimes create a self-fulfilling prophecy. Even if repeated transgretions don't yield the negative results they expect, they may never fully come to trust the adults, believing that eventually they will turn on them or let them down or sometimes that they don't deserve the love and respect and safety being offered to them. Often this lack of (what they perceive to be) warranted gratitude and reciprocated faith creates tension and even ill-will and the cycle is perpetuated.

It's a shame the majority of people don't have more realistic expectations. Perhaps then there would be a greater disposition to give and receive aid. If people understood that the behavior is a learned response, a product of the hardships they have experienced, they would be less likely to mentally (or verbally) attribute it to moral failings. Really, in such situations, who is actually demonstrating the greater degree of moral shortcomings - the kid behaving in accordance with their experiences or the adults who hold unreasonable expectations for them?

Craziness in Pop Culture

Pop culture, especially horror and action-drama, love to have the protagonist experiencing things that others don't believe. We are presented with their overwhelming sensory experiences as they are accused of being crazy or of faking it. They fight and fight against it, often alienating former allies until they are able to prove their unusual experiences are valid and not imaginary or symptoms of psychosis. They win out against all odds and the hero has earned the right to a million "I told you so!"s and a massive sense of vindication.

Flightplan - no one believes Jodi Foster's daughter was on the airplane

The Eye - everyone thinks Jessica Alba has schizophrenia or some other disease-based mental illness rather than seeing through the eyes of the donor she received the transplant from

Mirrors - Keifer Sutherland is assumed to be hallucinating

Nightmare on Elm Street - Heather Langenkamp isn't dreaming of Freddie Kruger, she is insane like her mother was

Pete's Dragon - Elliot was an imaginary playmate

Supernatural - over and over the people are assumed crazy or pretending instead of the actual supernatural causes

In reality though, it doesn't matter what could be causing the experiences the person is having. They are labeled as experiencing a disease-based mental illness. They are told over and over that what they are experiencing isn't real. They are never believed. Eventually they learn to shut up or they get medicated or they get put away where their "delusions" and "hallucinations" can't upset anyone, make them uncomfortable, or cause the person to take desperate measures to try to alleviate their own suffering.

But what if? What if that schizophrenic man's senses pick up something more or different most people's do? What if the crazy cat-lady has an ability to communicate with her beloved pets in a way that most people aren't capable? What if the woman who sees the spirit of her dead daughter can see through the veil to an alternate reality that is opaque to most people? What if the joke of a psychic isn't a fraud or insane but actually has use of senses unavailable to most people? What if that man who thinks he is Jesus Christ is reliving the memory and sensory experiences from 2000+ years ago that most people will never experience?

And no one will ever believe them sincerely. They will be ridiculed or patronized or "diagnosed" and eventually, one way or another, they will be silenced. How ironic that the source of our fantasy life allows for so much more openmindedness, tolerance, and ultimate resolution than real life can ever afford.

Maybe, just maybe, the next time you see that man muttering to himself, you can consider the possibility that his world is actually BIGGER than yours, not restricted by a disability...

It Never Occurred to Me

Wow. I feel like such an utter idiot, some kind of parodied, stereotyped, racist white bitch. The thing is, I really don't consider (or rather didn't consider) myself racist. I tend to treat skin color as one more physical feature (like blonde, brunette, brown-eyed, tall, black...) and I have done everything in my power to teach my children that skin color alone means nothing about a person. For the most part, I think I have succeeded in this. (I have a funny anecdote about this, an "out of the mouths of babes" moment.

But I am really wondering now, how deep my professed non-prejudiced attitude goes. I get irritated when decisions are made based on race, whether for or against any specific ethnicity. But maybe I have this view only because I am white and don't face the bias every single day. Maybe I am not color-blind but rather just plain blind.

I read this article today. An Open Letter to Eric Kripke The author makes the point that there are almost no black characters (is "black" the currently acceptable terminology?) in Supernatural. All of the black women have been in one episode only and there have only been 4 of them. All of the black men have turned out to be tragically evil and killed off accordingly.

Wow. She's right. And I never even saw it!!! It never once occurred to me. How fucking blind am I?! Could Kripke be as naively unaware as I was? He's a small-town Ohio guy - similar upbring as my own. Maybe it never occurred to him. I can't fathom that he would have done it intentionally - it just doesn't seem to fit with the image he presents.

So, if he reads that article... what will he do?

Ethical Ponderence of the Day: Stealing

One of my classes this term is ethics. Another is critical thinking. Both have been looking at ethical dilemmas this week. It got me thinking about morals and what happens when two sets of morals conflict. Here is one example I've been pondering:

Is it ethical (not counting the LEGAL aspect at all) to steal something from someone who shouldn't have it to give it to someone who needs it but can't get it on their own?

More thoughts on this later...

More Consequences of Idiocy

Every day I find yet another reason to kick myself in the ass for not backing up my hard drive. I lost so much information, so much data, so much history... it continues to take my breath away. Today I realized another document that I have lost.

I had a spreadsheet laid out for all my course requirements, all my chosen courses for fulfilling those requirements, all 3 of the minors and the honors certificate. It calculated GPA and missing requirements. It cross-referenced between the minors and the requirements their courses meet. It was a bloody awesome spreadsheet!

I knew I had lost the document when my drive died. But I thought I had 2 backup plans. First, I had printed it out to take to my advisor and to show family/friends. Second, I thought I had sent a copy of it to my Once Best Friend. I checked the file where the hard copy should be and it wasn't in there. I have a vague recollection of it getting crumpled and torn and therefore thrown away.

Bummer. But I should have the file that I sent to her saved in my Sent Messages folder. Tonight I scoured my messages, incoming and sent, in both email accounts. It isn't there. Obviously I IMed it to her instead - a logical thing to do at the time. Except that now I have no copy of it anywhere. It's not like I can ask her if she still has a copy of it!

So I get to recreate the spreadsheet. The calculations and format won't be a hideous problem, more time consuming and annoying than anything. But I had gone through all the courses, all the major and minor requirements, and decided all of the courses I was going to try to take. It took a long time to do and will take an equally long time to reproduce. Add another thing to my never-ending to do lists.

I am so frustrated and angry at myself for this. DAMMIT! I know better!! Such a stupid thing, such an obvious thing... and it continues to bite me in the ass over and over and over.

Moral of the Story: BACK UP FILES! FREQUENTLY! ALWAYS! and PRINT HARD COPIES! FREQUENTLY! ALWAYS!

First Day of School

Everyone went back to school today. Kid-1 is in 8th grade - back at the top of the food chain. He reported that school was "boring" - how very 14 year old boy!! Kid-2 has decided she loves 7th grade way more than 6th grade. Her BFF moved up to middle school this year and had a wonderful day as well. Kid-3 is now top dog in the 5th grade with the added power of safety patrol. He had a good day and absolutely loves his teacher. Kid-4 had an alright day, although he spent some of it n the nurse's office with a bad headache. Not sure what's up with that but it passed enough that he went back to class without incident.

The bigger news is that it was MY first day back at school too. For 15 years I have been saying I want to go back to school. A couple of times it looked promising. About 11 years ago, I took a couple of classes via internet but never made it onto campus like I wanted. Today, it finally happened. I had Critical Thinking today which is logic and argument analysis. I was rather worried as I envisioned a million papers to write and classroom debates and things of that nature. I didn't take into account that this is NOT an Honors class and it IS a freshman level class. It won't be a blow off class but I am confident that I will be able to handle it without a huge amount of stress.

Tomorrow is the class I am most nervous about. At 9 am I have Honors Ethics. I had to get special permission to take the class and am aware of the extra work that will be required in it. I read the 1st half of the ethics book that dealt with the theory and background and perspectives involved in ethics. I didn't read through the 2nd half that is applied ethics. Basically it is several controversial topics with each side represented in essays. I skimmed them but haven't read them yet. Truth be told I am terrified. At the same time, I am so excited!!

Also tomorrow I have Sociology at noon. I am not hideously worried about that one but we will see how it goes. Friday I have my psych 100 class (Introduction to the Fields and Study of Psychology). Truthfully I am not looking forward to is as I read the book and the syllabus and class schedule and didn't find much of anything that I don't know. I will get to learn how to use the psychology journal articles database, though. That will be critical information for later.

I also got my 1st hospice patient for my volunteering. I will contact her tomorrow and set things up. All in all, things are shaping up nicely. I have learned so much in the past few months and really feel like I am heading in a good direction.

Wish me luck!

Disney Rocks!

We had quite the busy time down in Florida last week.

Saturday: It took us 14.5 hours to get to Atlanta because of construction traffic but we had two very yummy food stops along the way. When we got there (about midnight) they didn't have any double rooms left. Daddy had guaranteed late arrival though so we had to suffer through what they did have: the presidential suite!!! It is literally the most amazing hotel room I have ever been in. It had two bedrooms with king size beds in each, a full dining room with a table that seats 8 people, a full living room set including a queen size hide a bed, a writing desk that is as big as my dining room table, walk-in closets in both rooms, full bathrooms in both rooms, an astonishing view, super soft sheets....... It was simply jaw-dropping.

Sunday: we headed to Downtown Disney after we arrived and checked in. We weren't connecting rooms but they were adjoining so it wasn't a problem. Disney was booked solid the entire time we were down there due to the meal plan special which meant everything Disney related was also crammed full. Predictably, Mom had a massive panic attack on the bus ride to Downtown Disney. It took about a half hour to calm her down. But then we went to Rainforest Cafe and had super-yummy food. Mom, Daddy and Kid-1 headed back to the room after dinner and Hubby, Kid-2, Kid-3 and Kid-4 and I did some shopping.

Monday: Animal Kingdom! Kid-4 loves the Dino Land rides and I finally got to ride Dinosaur! without him so that I could see it. (Last time he went with us and totally freaked out the entire time.) It was incredibly hot and humid compared to what we are used to and there were very few air conditioned places to relieve us. Got some awesome shots of the tigers though.

Tuesday: Epcot! We started the day off with a huge thunderstorm - quite beautiful actually - which I stood outside during in order to get completely drenched, thereby cooling off a little. Space Mountain is closed, which bites, but we had fun elsewhere. They have a Kim Possible thing going that is a digital scavenger hunt for the kids through one of the countries. It takes about a half hour and they can do as many as they want. The kids did 2 of them, one through Mexico and one through Japan. We saw IllumiNations (fireworks/light show) which was totally wicked. (I videoed it too!)

Wednesday: Hollywood Studios... Strangely enough I would say this was my favorite of the parks this time around. The stunt show was OMG good (yup, videoed it too.) The Rockin Roller Coaster was A W E S O M E !! Wearing the Sea Bands, I didn't get sick from it. It's magnetic so it isn't as shaky-bumpy so I didn't get a headache from it and it's in the dark so I didn't psych myself out on it. Two complete loops and all sorts of twisty-turnies. I loved loved loved it! We also did Tower of Terror. Ick - still don't like that one too much. That day was a lot of fun.

Thursday: Magic Kingdom! By the time we got to MK my feet were positively bruised (visibly - no exaggeration) and I felt like I had glass in my knees. Mom wasn't feeling too well. We split up to ride different things and I enjoyed the roller coaster and the log ride thingie. Both the light parade and the fireworks rained out, which sucked, but we got to do all my super favorites like Small World and Stitch.

Friday: Yeah... the vacation tanked at this point. Not only did we have to go home (WAH!!) Mom got REALLY sick. She had a super high fever, horrible cough, wouldn't eat or drink or anything. Basically speaking we just hauled tail for home.

Saturday: We got home about 8:30. Mom was in really bad shape. Daddy and I took her to the ER. It was far worse than we thought. Her O2 saturation was at 74 (should be 100); her pulse was 160+ (should be < 100); her respirations were 35+ (30 is scary); and her blood pressure was all over the chart. They drugged her up nicely and did a CT. Pneumonia and it's ugly. She is still in the hospital, doing better but a long way from doing good. She's safe. It's just a matter of time and medicine to get her back on her feet but it sure scared Daddy and me something fierce...

Countdown to Disney!

Saturday morning we leave for Disney World. Tomorrow, Hubby has taken off work to help get us ready. I am so excited about this that I can hardly stand it but at the same time I am completely overwhelmed. There is so much to do to get ready, so many loose ends to try and tied, so much to organize and pack and remember. I have made list after list and lists of my lists and that is the only thing keeping me on track. I finally accepted that some things simply aren't going to get done before I leave. The van won't be repaired before we go on the passenger side where it has a nasty boo-boo. But the mirror can still be adjusted to see behind us, even though it wobbles a bit and the crunch on the door doesn't affect anything functionally so it can wait until we return. I did get my new glasses - YAY for sunglasses attached to the new pair!

We also got school supply shopping done. We even managed to get a new all in one printer. It's so frustrating that we have TWO printers and neither of them work even semi-decently. But now we have a cool happy printer: an Epson Stylus NX300 for under $50! And now we all have backpacks and notebooks and binders and pencils and all the fun supplies that come with a new school year.

All my textbooks are in, of course, as is my Magic Pen which I am so totally in love with!!! I am so excited to be going back to school! I'm nervous, too. 10 credit hours over 4 classes is a huge change for me. I'm confident that I can do it but it is going to be hard work. With the change in routine from all of us going back to school, I am trying to make some other lifestyle changes as well.

Specifically, the fitness center is free for students and I plan on taking advantage of it. All of my barriers (read: excuses) don't apply now so we will see how it goes. I read about a program called Couch-to-5K that I am going to give a try. I know how strange it sounds but jogging is the most appealing form of exercise to me; I'm just so fat and out of shape that I can't do it. There is a scene in the movie What Women Want where they are showing a Nike Women's Division ad showing a woman jogging talking about how the road doesn't care what you're wearing or how long it's been since you ran and all that stuff and ends with "Nike. No games, just sports." I LOVE the sentiments expressed in that commercial. I also love the symbolism of running away or outrunning the stress. And, of course, the universality of running: anywhere, anytime, no special equipment needed. I would love to get back into shape enough that I could run. Hopefully my knees can handle it!

So here I am at 1:30 in the morning, writing instead of sleeping. My mind won't shut off. So many changes have happened this summer that it's mind-blowing. Overall, they are all for the better. Some came with pain, some came only after a lot of frustration. Some of the changes have been a LONG time coming (like 15 years!!) and others caught me by surprise. Change is constant though and even when it is painful or awkward, it should be embraced and counted as a good thing. After all, what doesn't kill us makes us stronger. And if it does kill me, well that's not a bad thing either. LOL

So don't be surprised if I don't post for a while. We leave on vacation Saturday and get back right before school starts. (Thank goodness for house sitters!) Then school starts and everything changes again. Not to mention that I've been doing a lot of my writing in a couple of other places. (Who can resist writing in a journal with all the bells and whistles that my Magic Pen provides?! LOL) Wish me luck and take care of yourself while I'm gone. I'll think of you while I'm gone (though admittedly not all of the time - go figure!) and catch up when I am back...

MAC IS BACK!!

My laptop (affectionately called MAC, an acronym for My Awesome Computer and a play on intent since MAC is a pc) is finally back from the shop!! I am sooo glad to have him back. Even though I had Hubby's laptop to use, I totally prefer my own. Hubby's keyboard is laid out differently that mine and his touch pad is touchy in different places than mine. MAC has complete amnesia and had multiple organs replaced, but HE IS BACK! By this I mean that they had to replace the hard drive (without a current backup or any way to retrieve the contents of the severely dead one) and the DVD drive (both of which I knew were problems) but also had to replace the keyboard (not sure why), and the heat sheet (or something like that) and the DC jack. They also fixed the BIOS and upgraded the firmware. In short, most of MAC's internal parts were switched out.

At least they didn't replace the case - I have my stickers on the lid, most of which I can't replace and many of which have been "personalized" by my Former-Friend's daughter. (That was totally my bad, btw, for leaving MAC where she could reach the stickers - no 2 yr old would know/understand/remember to keep their hands off the "pretties".)

MAC even came home with a couple of new stickers. They are identification stickers but they have "character" and one of them says ADH right under my name. I "personalized" that sticker, adding the last H and a big smiley face. Doing silly, immature things like these stickers lifts my spirits in ways most people don't understand. What can I say? If I don't let "the kids" in my head out to play in little ways, it shows up in less appropriate situations...

At any rate, my happy thought for today is the long-awaited return of my well-loved laptop. LONG LIVE MANUFACTURERS' WARRANTIES!

Saint Theresa's Prayer

Saint Theresa's Prayer
May today there be peace within.
May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be.
May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith.
May you use those gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you.
May you be content knowing you are a child of God.
Let this presence settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love.
It is there for each and every one of us.

Saint Theresa is known as the Saint of the Little Ways, meaning she believed in doing the little things in life well and with great love... She is represented by roses.

Defending Myself and Resulting Censorship

My Former-Friend continues to read this blog and then editorialize on her own. She takes what I have said and turns it over in her mind and then rebuts it. I, obviously, continue to read hers as well. It's hard for me to read her defending herself without wanting to argue the points and correct her misperceptions. Sometimes I want to scream at her or point out all the specific errors in her posts. Other times I just smile at it, at her "logic" and her conclusions.

I tell myself not to bother reading because ultimately it doesn't change anything. I continue to go back because the only thing that rattles me more than the types of attacks she makes is knowing they are being made without knowing what they are. So I read and I am astonished at her thought processes, I am irritated at her plethera of mistakes, and I am relieved as the evidence mounts that this break is exactly what we both needed.

At the same time I feel the need to stop writing as openly and without censoring myself. Everything I say, she takes and twists it around to boost her own position. I hate feeling judged and am acutely aware that whatever I say will be corrupted and used against me. I understand that she needs to do this in order to keep her ego intact but, even though I know not to take her attacks personally, they still bother me. I find myself not willing to publish my posts because I know she will misinterpret everything I say. I find myself censoring my thoughts before they become words because I don't want to give her ammunition to tear me down.

I'm not sure how to resolve this conflict. I no longer bear her ill will but she continues to spew venom. I know which of the things she says are are true, which have half-truths but have been distorted and which things aren't even worth serious consideration. I hate knowing that she will judge and corrupt what I'm writing but I refuse to give her power over me by allowing myself to restrict access to this blog or let her chase me away from my own sacred space.

Of course, she had no business being here in the first place. I have made myself clear many times that I don't want people in my physical life reading my blog because that's where I vent and sort through my emotions and thoughts. What goes into the blog is not intended for the eyes of those I'm writing about. Can you imagine a conversation with a loved one where instead of you choosing what you say to them, they have unlimited access to your thoughts - without your knowledge? It's the same thing.

I suppose I will keep doing what I need to do. I will write what I need to write, where I need to write it, when I need to write. Let her do as she will. Ultimately, what she thinks and feels about me, however correct or distorted, is neither my business nor my problem. It's what I think and feel...

Singing the Same Song

In the middle of all the chaos, I wrote a song about how Former-Friend and I seem to be saying the same things about each other. I have the lyrics worked out and I have the melody in my head. I'm really crappy at getting it down on paper, though. It's taking forever to ferret out the notes. But here are the lyrics. The song is a duet. The red is one part, the blue is the other part, and the purple is together:

Singing the Same Song
We’re both saying the same things
But about each other
Can we both be right?
Can we both be wrong?
Can we learn to be okay after hurting so long?
Why can’t you see?
We’re singing the same song

How could you betray me?
How could you demean me?
How could you say the things you said?
How could I have trusted you?
How could I have fought for you?
When you cut until I bled
Like a knife into my back
Like a bullet through the heart
Why can’t you see
You’re tearing me apart?

We’re both saying the same things
But about each other
Can we both be right?
Can we both be wrong?
Can we learn to be okay after hurting so long?
Why can’t you see?
We’re singing the same song

I was always there for you
I always have cared for you
I thought we had each others’ backs
All that I gave up for you
Everything I gave to you
After all I’ve done for you
I promised I’d die for you
I promised I’d live for you
Why can’t you see
What you’ve done to me?

We’re both saying the same things
But about each other
Can we both be right?
Can we both be wrong?
Can we learn to be okay after hurting so long?
Why can’t you see?
We’re singing the same song

I thought that you’d be here
I thought that you’d be near
And now you’re gone
I’ve never had to walk alone
I never thought I’d be alone
Now I’m the only one here
You threw everything away
You ruined all that we had
Why can’t you see
I’ll never be the same

We’re both saying the same things
But about each other
Can we both be right?
Can we both be wrong?
Can we learn to be okay after hurting so long?
Why can’t you see?
We’re singing the same song

We’re both saying the same things
But about each other
Can we both be right?
Can we both be wrong?
Can we learn to be okay after hurting so long?
Why can’t you see?
We’re singing the same song

We’re both
Singing
THE SAME SONG

Time

There are so many quotes about time and its fluid, ever-changing characteristics. I find myself thinking a lot about time today. How it drags or zips by, how it heals or creates scars, how everything changes given enough of it.

Life is what happens to you when you're busy planning other things. -John Lennon
It seems like forever that I have had the mindset that I will get x done as soon as y happens and y just doesn't happen. I will go back to school as soon as we can afford it: 14 years I said that. This year I put my foot down and made it happen. I'll have time to write as soon as I finish paying bills, chasing kids, clean the house, etc. All things that never quite get done and so if I want to write I have to set that aside and just do it. I'll start exercising as soon as the weather clears, but it is always too hot or too cold or too wet or I'm too busy. No wonder I'm fat and out of shape and generally disgusting.

The Shrink often advocates being mindful of the present and staying in the moment. It isn't just an important part of not dissociating. It's about watching the kids play their everyday games, noticing the expression on Hubby's face as he talks about his day, taking note of the details of the life that is all around me right now. Because if I am too busy double-checking next week's schedule, I'll miss today's golden moments.

Time flies when you're having fun and its twin A watched pot never boils
The other phrase that goes right along this one is "wibbly-wobbly timey-whimey stuff" (a quote from Doctor Who, of course, episode "Blink"). These observations about time highlight how my perception of time is not consistent at all. The time spent in a doctor's waiting room can be the exact same amount as the time spent engaged in interesting conversation but the former drags and drags while the later is over before I know it. Perhaps the secret to evening out the perceived pace of time is connected to mindful awareness. Finding the things that make that "long" wait unique and fascinating as well as taking the time to feel the awe and happiness in a pleasant conversation... it seems to me that these things would slow down the rushing train and speed up the infinite wait.

Time heals all wounds
This is a common platitude but I truly wonder if it has any merit at all. Just because it's been 15 years since I was betrayed by someone I trust doesn't mean that I've forgotten it or that it hurts any less. I think time may give us the distance we need to affect our own healing but I don't think it is the distance itself that does the healing. Unless it is intended in the same vein as All bleeding stops eventually and means that once you're dead you won't be hurting about incidents from high school.

Time has passed since the initial volcano between Uber-Bitch and me. I need a new euphemism for her since I no longer feel that red-hot anger and vicious pain. I don't know what to call her now. I can see where she is coming from and I can see where she is going and I hope that she never does to anyone else what she did here. No one needs that kind of pain, not her and not anyone else. I learned a lot from her and I'm grateful for that, even though not all of it turned out to be good lessons. There is no doubt that I will continue to struggle to find where her grains of truth end and the cognitive distortions begin, but eventually I think I will be able to tell the difference. In the meantime, Guardian Angel and The Shrink and Hubby and many others will continue to smack me upside the back of the head (Gibbs-ing me, as the kids say) to put things back into perspective. And lord help me, I will never break myself to rescue someone else again - people don't need to be rescued; they need to be helped. So time has passed and I still hurt and still get angry but it doesn't consume me anymore, permeating every area of my life and saturating it with unbearable emotions. Did time affect this change? No, I did - with a lot of help from my friends.

"The time has come," the Walrus said, "To talk of many things: Of shoes--and ships--and sealing-wax-- Of cabbages--and kings-- And why the sea is boiling hot-- And whether pigs have wings. - Jabberwocky (Lewis Carrol)
The walrus said this to the oysters to continue the deception he and Carpenter were perpetrating to lure the oysters from home and them eat them. He spoke of all those things to oysters to distract them from the fact that they were being eaten.

So many of the things I write, the posts that actually get completed, are of surface issues rather than the underlying causes. I speak about all the fires in my life that I rush around putting out, rather than finding the cause of all the fires springing up in the first place. And so it is with this post as well. I am rambling about time, sorting out the things that make it such a curious creature, without talking about the things that have made me examine time's characteristics. It's strange, for someone who claims to love writing as much as I do, there are so many things that I can't seem to actually give the power of words written or spoken aloud.

Habits are hard to change.