Defending Myself and Resulting Censorship

My Former-Friend continues to read this blog and then editorialize on her own. She takes what I have said and turns it over in her mind and then rebuts it. I, obviously, continue to read hers as well. It's hard for me to read her defending herself without wanting to argue the points and correct her misperceptions. Sometimes I want to scream at her or point out all the specific errors in her posts. Other times I just smile at it, at her "logic" and her conclusions.

I tell myself not to bother reading because ultimately it doesn't change anything. I continue to go back because the only thing that rattles me more than the types of attacks she makes is knowing they are being made without knowing what they are. So I read and I am astonished at her thought processes, I am irritated at her plethera of mistakes, and I am relieved as the evidence mounts that this break is exactly what we both needed.

At the same time I feel the need to stop writing as openly and without censoring myself. Everything I say, she takes and twists it around to boost her own position. I hate feeling judged and am acutely aware that whatever I say will be corrupted and used against me. I understand that she needs to do this in order to keep her ego intact but, even though I know not to take her attacks personally, they still bother me. I find myself not willing to publish my posts because I know she will misinterpret everything I say. I find myself censoring my thoughts before they become words because I don't want to give her ammunition to tear me down.

I'm not sure how to resolve this conflict. I no longer bear her ill will but she continues to spew venom. I know which of the things she says are are true, which have half-truths but have been distorted and which things aren't even worth serious consideration. I hate knowing that she will judge and corrupt what I'm writing but I refuse to give her power over me by allowing myself to restrict access to this blog or let her chase me away from my own sacred space.

Of course, she had no business being here in the first place. I have made myself clear many times that I don't want people in my physical life reading my blog because that's where I vent and sort through my emotions and thoughts. What goes into the blog is not intended for the eyes of those I'm writing about. Can you imagine a conversation with a loved one where instead of you choosing what you say to them, they have unlimited access to your thoughts - without your knowledge? It's the same thing.

I suppose I will keep doing what I need to do. I will write what I need to write, where I need to write it, when I need to write. Let her do as she will. Ultimately, what she thinks and feels about me, however correct or distorted, is neither my business nor my problem. It's what I think and feel...