So Many Thoughts, So Little Time

I have had so many topics in my mind lately that I have wanted to try to work through on paper but simply haven't been able to put high enough on the priority list to justify the time they will take to write. At the moment, I have a few minutes in the library where I don't HAVE to be doing anything. This is designated "school time" but I am caught up on everything except a little reading for Ethics class. (I've skimmed it but it would be ideal for me to go through and read it carefully, even if we will be discussing all of the relevant points in class.) I have a few emails I could send also but they are not at all time critical and, to be honest, I need a bit of a brain break. Nonetheless, I don't have the time to get down all of my thoughts on these ideas but want to at least jot down the topics so I can remember that I was thinking about them.

What Makes a Racist? What role do thoughts have in the judgment that someone is a racist? If their first thought involves a racist judgment, does that make the person a racist? Does it matter what conscious thoughts they replace (or reinforce) the first thoughts with? Does it matter if their behavior intentionally excludes any form of racist actions? There is a huge spectrum here between first thoughts through habitual execution of racist thoughts, beliefs, actions and patterns - where does the hammer come down?

My Attempt to Explore Sociological Principles Through Science Fiction: I have a world brewing in my mind that explores sociological perspectives and what would happen under certain conditions. The beauty of sci-fi is the author's ability to order societal conditions along their own thoughts without reproach. What can be judged analytically is the degree that the story logically and accurately carries out the premises presented. I can create any world I want to, without limits, but the behaviors of the characters must still be consistent with the backstory established and any deviation from known variables must have a valid explanation and derivation from established concepts. For example, I can't have humans flying about under their own power without explaining why they can do that when we what we know of humans precludes this act. At any rate, I find myself retreating into the theoretical concepts of this world whenever I get too stressed, overwhelmed, or bored - especially bored. I have jokingly begun thinking of this world as my test drive since so much of it has been conceived while I am driving.

Always the Middle Path: So many concepts here are being presented as black and white issues. It feels like we are being told to accept all of a position or none of it. I honestly didn't realize the extent that The Shrink has "trained" me to look for the middle path until I find myself irritated that people don't want to do it. It just seems to blatantly obvious that there is an exception to every rule except this one. (I love that little paradox, by the way; it's even more fun than This statement is false.

Getting Stronger: Lately I have been told by several people close to me that I seem "better". Most of them mean or say that I am stronger, more confident, less despondent. Most of them seem to attribute this my finally returning to school and to the now-blessed removal of Her from my life. I think they are partially right. The more I think about it, the more I think that the difference in not in either of these events and more in the fact that I am finally starting to learn to apply all of those concepts that The Shrink and my Guardian Angel have been trying to teach me for so long. The environment I was in tended to harshly punish any attempt to apply those theories, sometimes out of prior conceptions of how I "always" behave or how I "should" behave, sometimes because the situations themselves were unhealthy but, because I had no concept of what "healthy" looks like that I couldn't understand what they meant. Here at school I am seeing how the real world functions. At home, my Oldest Friend (in years I have known him, not his age) has almost moved in due to a very similar situation as She was in. (He sleeps and keeps his stuff at my parents' house but spends all of his time at ours by mutual agreement and due to a number of factors. I have been thoroughly shocked at the difference between what I thought was "normal" and the new experiences in these two areas. So finding the middle path has paid off, as has setting appropriate boundaries.

My Oldest Friend: He has moved back home due to a series of unpleasant events in the state where he used to live. Although he technically lives with my parents, in all but sleeping, he lives with us. Part of my wants to say that this distinction is the heart of the vast difference in experience between Her living with us and him living with us. I still want to give her the benefit of the doubt, regardless of what people want to say. But truly, they are light years apart. Partly it is because I have FINALLY learned the difference between "helping" and "rescuing" but by far the biggest factor is his attitude. I had no idea it was "supposed" to work this way but so many people have told me this is true and I am having to reassess my certainty in my ideas of what behavior is "appropriate" and what is not. This is so much healthier and comfortable. I didn't know those two concepts could exist simultaneously!

Grades, Intelligence, Motivation, and Opportunity: It is official. I have overwhelmingly straight As in all four of my classes. I have perfect scores in 3 of them and a 99.3% in the other due solely to missing a class from the flu. That horribly selfish and vain and narcissistic part of my wants to say that part of this is because of my intelligence. After all, despite equal motivation and time spent, I am the only one who got a A on the critical thinking exam. Of course, realism triumphs and I recognize that I am just more motivated and invested in my grades than the other students. Quite simply, I care more about learning and getting the As than the others who do not have these scores. There is also the very strong factor that I have the luxury of being able to focus on school when I am in school and that I have the support of family and friends in being here. Quite obviously, no matter what the little devil in me says, it is not intelligence but effort that matters. If the others cared as much as I do and could apply themselves as much as I can, they would be right here besides me. Regardless of why I am succeeding, I find myself (surprisingly) proud of myself for doing it.

And my time is up... actually it was up 10 minutes ago and now I will be late so I'm off to the "real world" now. I hope to expand on these previews later but we'll see. I have my priorities, after all...

*Note: this is NOT proof read so I apologize for the spelling, grammar and typos that are most certainly scattered through this post!