Blah Humbug

I'm not in a Scrooge mood. I just feel intensely apathetic. I keep trying to find my Christmas spirit but so far no luck. I had really hoped that after the school stress was over, I would perk right up. School stress has passed - triumphantly, even, since I did so well. And so many things are happening that I am thankful for! But no Christmas spirit yet.

Christmas wide, we haven't had any major disasters and it looks like we have succeeded in our annual goal to get each kid the one thing on their list (within reason) that they want the most. The tree is up and decorated, Hubby made and put up the Merry Christmas sign that he's been wanting to do for years, most of the shopping is done, plans are made...

Bottom line: there's no reason for me to feel this way. I've tried the "fake it til you make it" approach, the "sit with it so that it can pass" approach, the "list all the reasons why it's wonderful" approach, and tried to do the "watch Christmas movies til you want to puke" approach (although I haven't been able to watch any of the three that I really wanted to see). So what the heck is my problem???

Little things tug at my heartstrings this year while very few things warm my soul. While Christmas shopping, I see toys that would be perfect for Trainwreck's daughter and I hurt. For every bit that I am glad to be rid of her mother, I miss her. I keep making references to things we did "last year" only to be set straight that they were from two years ago - a painful reminder of how much I missed last year. I can't find copies of "It's a Wonderful Life" or a decent version of "A Christmas Carol" to watch. Things like those that are minor and shouldn't have a significant impact.

Meanwhile, the good things either don't lift me as much as would be expected or the feeling doesn't last. I did unimaginably better on my grades than I had even hoped, let alone expected. I proved to myself that I do belong there and can succeed there, and satisfied that flame of competitiveness that I try so hard to ignore. My kids are growing up: Kid-1 went on his first date Friday (it went fabulous!) and Kid-2 will be babysitting for New Year's this year. Our tree looks beautiful and our family picture that we take turned out well. My Oldest Friend and his son decorated the tree with us and I was reminded yet again of how healthy friendships work. Hubby and I had an entire day together to go shopping and things and we had fun. As crazy busy as schedules get, it's hard to find time to do things together so this was very welcomed.

Truly, things are going well! They are better than they have been in years, although I am still struggling with some of the typical demons that rear their head this time of year. With so much to be thankful for (and I am thankful for it in my heart, not just my head)... why can't I find it in me to be merry?

It's not just my missing Christmas spirit. It's everything. I can't seem to consciously control my emotions not matter how many techniques I try so I find myself sad, or disappointed, or ashamed, or frustrated even when I know the emotions are not appropriate for the situation. I correct the negative thoughts and redirect my attention to positive aspects. I use the action/opposite-action method. All the things like those that I have learned over the years. And I still feel like a child's sailboat tossed about in a hurricane.

Oh well. That's enough of this pity-party. The good news is that this year I am mostly apathetic about Christmas instead of suicidally depressed or clueless/psychotic. And I am perfectly capable of sucking it up and smiling at all the right times. This year will pass soon enough and it may not be memorably wonderful but at least it won't be remembered in infamy...