Witnessing the Good Too

I usually use my blog to work through issues that are bothering me. As a result, most of my posts are whining and boring and complaining and just overall negative. Sometimes when something good happens and it's big, I'll put it in here but all of the small good things rarely, if ever, make into posted form. From reading this, you can clearly see that I am a pessimist by habit.

Would you have believed that I am the person who can find a positive in any situation? That I am the girl who will point out and focus on that glimmer of silver lining, regardless of how small it seems compared the the darkness around it? That I am the girl who taught my kids how to find the good things? In my relations with others, with very few exceptions, I always include "the good news is" along with any downside. Can you picture that?

Seems hideously out of character for me. But I do. The reason it seems so baldly contrary to what I put on here isn't that I don't point out positives here, because I do sometimes. The difference is that here I don't pretend to believe that those good things balance out for the bad ones. I don't hide my pessimism here like I have to when speaking to people. Pessimism is the worst social offense there is apparently; I learned that long ago and so closely censor my words to reflect a more positive attitude. I hope some day to find a way to get my feelings to match my words but so far have been unsuccessful.

So that's the first part of this. Although I am pessimistic and whiny and doom-and-gloom on here, in conversations with others, I always try to point out a silver lining. The second part of this post will look at the good I am feeling right now.

I was walking across campus today on my way to my 9am class. That's right, 9 am. And yes, I still hate mornings. This morning the sun was shining, the trees are turning, the weather is crisp but not yet frigid and I was prepared for class. I wasn't whistling, but pretty damned close. If I were the whistling kind, I think I would have been.

I consciously inhaled deeply and let it out with a smile on my face. Not the smile that I use in my attempt to appear the way I think people want me to appear, not a self-conscious, embarrassed, smiling because I wish I was under a rock and don't know what else to do kind of smile, not a bemused I can't believe I am in this situation kind of smile. It was a real smile. I smiled because I felt happy. No one was looking at me, expecting me to smile; I smiled because I was happy. (Hey! Stop laughing! I do too smile!)

And I realized, in that moment, that I feel happy overall. There are things in my life that still suck. I have way more bills to pay than I have money to pay them. My house is still a disaster zone. I still struggle with the kids. My body is still hurting in way too many places. Etc etc etc. But the bright side, for the first time in so long, is stronger than the doom and gloom. I can't remember the last time the balance tipped this way, not since my junior year of high school. (That's been a while! LOL)

Walking across campus this morning created one of my infamous "Golden Memories" and anyone who knows me and has heard the stories of my Golden Memories also knows that they are extremely rare. But what was different about this is that it wasn't triggered by the situation I was in. It was a Christmas morning out of a fairy tale story or a surreal walk through Lothlorien or anything like that. It was because I knew that for the first time in a VERY long time, I feel more happy than depressed.

Here are some reasons that I am feeling good:

- I am in school and doing very well
- I have friendships with peers rather than having to be someone's mother or the poop on the bottom of their shoe
- my meds are a good mix right now: I can sleep when I need to sleep and wake up when I need to wake up
- the tension between Hubby and I that I didn't realize was there has eased off
- I'm learning how to have my own opinions instead of adopting the opinion of whomever I am with
- I'm opening up to the possibility that I do have something good about me that isn't a direct consequence or reflection of someone else making me look good. I'm doing it on my own.
- things are going SOOO much better with Kid-1. It's more than a lack of conflicts. Situations that had been sending him off the deep end have made him mad (and mouthy at times) but NO tantrums. YAY!
- I reconnected with an old friend. I'd thought about getting in touch with so many times in the past years but was too afraid. Mom's cancer scare pushed me finally do it and I am SO glad I did. I forgot what it was like to have a healthy friendship.

Things aren't perfect. And the things that suck still suck. But things are going in the right direction and are better than they have been in so long that I forgot they actually could be good.

(PS-This isn't proofread cuz I'm running late so excuse the many typos and spelling problems that are likely in it!)