You Can Do It

I have a test on Monday in critical thinking. I'm scared that I will bomb it because the professor really needs to find a new calling. (For the record, this isn't just me whining because I am struggling in the class. Everyone I've talked to in the class - without exception - thinks this guy can't teach and is scared about the test.) Failing this test would mean bad news for the class which would mean mean bad news for the GPA. Based on the information I received at the grad school seminar, I CAN'T afford to have a sub-par GPA. So I'm worried about this test.

People keep telling me that I can do it and that I'll do just fine.

I understand why they are telling me this. It's a pep talk and a vote of confidence. It's a compliment and a wish. And it is flattering; don't get me wrong. The problem is, while it feels good to know that people have confidence in my abilities that frequently surpass my own, they refuse to acknowledge that failure actually is a possibility.

I am a pessimist by nature. But I have honed this pessimism into a way of calming my anxiety. I look at the best possible outcome. I tend to hope for the best but not really think it will happen. Then I look at the worst possible outcome and figure out what I would do if that came to pass. If I can find a way to make it through the worst possible outcome, I know that I can handle whatever actually happens because it will be somewhere between the best and the worst and I know how to handle each of those. So when I'm freaking out over the worst possible potential outcome, having someone tell me that it won't come to pass (regardless of how likely it is or isn't) is completely counter-productive. The message I end up hearing is, Success is the only acceptable option. If you fail, I will be displeased. My head knows this isn't what they mean; my anxiety translates it into that anyways.

Here is how this type of conversation generally plays out:

Me: I'm really worried about this test on Monday!
Friend: You'll do fine.
Me: I don't know. The prof is psycho, the material is vague, and I am distracted. I might not do fine.
Friend: Nonsense. You can do it. I know you can!
Me: But what if I can't?
Friend: You can. You just have to think positively.
Me: Yeah, you're right. (But thinking "You just don't get it at all, do you?")

I come out of the conversation not only NOT feeling better, supported, encouraged, and uplifted but actually feeling more nervous because I still see failure as a possibility and now feel that failing would also be letting down the friend with the unshakable confidence in me.

This is how I WISH that type of conversation would go:

Me: I'm really worried about this test on Monday!
Friend: You'll do fine.
Me: I don't know. The prof is psycho, the material is vague, and I am distracted. I might not do fine.
Friend: Okay, so what is the worst thing that could happen?
Me: I could fail the test, thereby lowering my final grade, thereby lowering my GPA, thereby not being able to get into graduate school.
Friend: And what if that happens?
Me: I guess I would retake the class to fix the GPA.
Friend: How likely is it really that you will fail the test?
Me: Well, maybe not fail it but certainly not getting an A is a real possibility.
Friend: Which is far better than failing it!
Me: Well, yeah
Friend: Is there anything you can do to make you more likely to succeed than fail?
Me: Study
Friend: Okay then. Study for the test. Do the best you can. If you fail it, retake the class. But stressing out over it won't help your grade nor will will change what happens if you don't do well. So chill out. Breathe! (lol)
Me: Right. Breathe. Study. Chill. Okay, I can do that.

And now I have a plan of action, I am prepared for the best and worst scenarios, I feel listened to and understood and not judged and I am ready to do the best I can and be okay with it. Life is good again! But that isn't how we've been taught to react to someone expressing a lack of confidence in themselves.

A prime example of this is last year when Hubby went to Atlanta for train school. I was terrified that I wouldn't be able to handle it. I wanted someone to tell me that while they thought I could handle it, even if I couldn't, it wouldn't be the end of the world and we could handle whatever happened when it happened. No one would concede there was a possibility of me crashing and burning. Everyone kept saying that I could do it, that I was strong enough, that it would be fine. They dismissed my worries as being paranoid and pessimistic.

The time came, Hubby went off to train school, and guess what happened! I fell apart. If not for my then best friend and my family and friends, I don't know what would have happened. It got ugly. We eventually recovered but not really until Hubby went on furlough from the trains and went back to his other job.

Only then, after all was back to a relative state of "okay", did people start admitting that they weren't sure I could handle it. A couple of them privately thought there was a very slim chance that I would be okay. But NONE of them would tell me that!!!

And it made it so much worse. Because not only did I have the stress of the situation, I had the pressure to succeed at it. I was convinced that if I fell apart, there would be irreparable damage to my kids and everyone else and that everyone would be mad at me or disappointed in me or disgusted with me because everyone thought I could (and therefore should) be able to handle it. Had people been honest with me, I might have been able to form a backup plan so that when things started to go south, I had options and support to try to fix them rather than feeling isolated and inferior. Would it have kept me from falling over the edge of the precipice into disaster? Maybe not but I do think it wouldn't have been as bad as it ended up.

To be fair and to give credit where credit is due... tonight my Writing-Buddy walked me through almost exactly the example of how I wish a conversation might go. And she did it unprompted. Some of my friends will walk me through the process if I remind them that I need that. But she did it without me having to ask for it (which takes away some of the power because it then feels fake). So THANK YOU to her; I am going to study what I can, do the best I can on the test and if I bomb it I will move forward from there. And I feel better now!

Can I do it? Probably-maybe-I-don't-know. Will the world end if I can't? No. Are there things I can do to make it more likely to succeed? Probably-maybe-I-don't-know. Then do them, try my best, and move on from there....