Bleh

I should be doing my homework.

I really don't want to do it. It will only take a few minutes and it is super easy. The thing is... I have a hard time getting motivated in this class. I keep ending up over prepared. That is so discouraging.

Blech. Alright, gonna go do it.

It's so tough: I have to look up a little bit about parodies of the ontological argument for the existence of God. The ontological argument basically says that God is either necessarily existent (by definition must exist) or impossible (its definition contradicts itself - like a round square). Since God isn't impossible, God must be necessarily existent.

(Note: I am not saying I believe the ontological argument proves the existence of God; I am simply stating the argument as we have been taught in class.)

The parodies of this argument are numerous (and humorous!) with the most popular of these being The Flying Spaghetti Monster. I have a link to this at the bottom of my blog (and have for a long time). For class tomorrow I have to figure out what a parody is and find at least one example. Well, gee Wally, I don't know if I can handle that...

I have to say, school hasn't been what I expected. In most respects it is so much BETTER than I even dreamed. I love the classes. I love the knowledge. I love the potential. I have met a good friend and her hubby and feel like I am making connections with the professors. I am in awe of the attitudes and environment. Instead of spoon-feeding us the "right" answers, they are presenting me with the information and letting me make up my own mind. Even my one class where we are being treated like freshmen in high school, he has made it infinitely clear that he isn't trying to tell us what to think, only how to think.

Homework hasn't been anything like I expected. Based on my limited observations, I thought I would be having to study my brains out, always struggling to stay on top of things, worrying out papers that would be coming out of my ears. I made sure to budget all kinds of time to do homework and worried about where else I could sneak in the extra time. I had no idea how I would ever be able to say anything in class, let alone participate at an appropriate level.

After 4 weeks of class, I have to look at those expectations and say AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! What a joke. I am not having a lick of trouble in any of my classes. I find myself getting so frustrated because I have this pathetic tendency to DO the work that the professors assign only to find that half the rest of the class didn't do it and half of those who did do it had trouble with it. Meanwhile, I had been lamenting about how easy it was compared to what I expected. I am ahead of schedule in all of my classes and crushingly disappointed that there is no one to talk to about all the awesome things I am learning and how many connections there are between my classes. Mentally, school so far is NOT taxing at all.

I really don't know how to interpret this. On one hand, I think it is most likely just that it is only 4 weeks into the term. I'm sure it will get harder as I go. Once the "honeymoon period" is over, I will enjoy school less, right? Once it comes to turning in those papers, I will panic more about getting them done adequately, right? It has to be just that I haven't hit anything hard yet, right? On the other hand, my observations of others in my classes and limited knowledge of others in other classes... they already seem neck-deep in homework and readings. Even kids in my critical thinking class (the one I end up over-preparing for just by doing the readings and assignments) seem to be struggling to understand the material.

Maybe it comes easier to me? In high school I put forth minimal effort and pulled As and Bs. I never studied for tests. I never had trouble understanding material (except in calculus which I dropped and chemistry which I just couldn't get my head around). Now, I am doing the assigned readings, paying attention and taking notes in all my classes, and actually attending all my classes (which seems to be a novel concept for so many of my classmates - I don't get this at all; some of them don't go to class because they just don't feel like it, putting the strangest things as higher priorities!). Maybe that's enough to make the difference. I certainly can't believe that I have any quality which others do not that is helping me absorb the material better or quicker and so making it mentally easier on me than I expected! LOL

On the other hand, the physical demands of it are way more than I had anticipated. My plan was to spend a week getting acclimated to walking so much and doing stairs. Then to start going to the gym 3 days a week to give out the Couch-2-5K program. Well, I just finished my 4th week on campus and I still hurt so badly just from the walking and the stairs that I don't dare add to it. The feeling glass in my right knee has returned. Every muscle in my body is saying rude things to me. I am eating ibuprofen like candy (800 mg every 4-6 hours). It doesn't help that I am as fat and lazy and out of shape as I am but I honestly don't know whether to push harder or back off or hold my ground. I made an appointment with my doctor to see what to do about the knee and general muscle fatigue. I want to get moving as soon as I can but I can't handle much additional pain right now.

The aspect of returning to school that has surprised me the most is the emotional fatigue. I don't know why I didn't expect it. By the time I leave campus, I am fried emotionally. The amount of energy it takes for me to project confidence and calmness and smile and keep my head up... I still have not managed to pull off keeping my head up while I cross campus. I watch my feet and a little ways in front of me - eye contact is beyond me. I am just so afraid the whole time I am there. I feel out of place, for one thing: this fat, middle aged woman wandering around campus among these young, beautiful, confident kids. I want to hide all the time. In class I have to actually step aside of myself a little bit because of the fear. Obviously I don't completely back off - I have had it drilled into me hard enough that dissociating at school would be a VERY bad thing.

By the end of the day, I am running on empty emotionally. As I settle into the car after classes, all I can think is Thank God the say is over! only to remember that I still have another 4 hours of running to do and an additional 4 hours of home things. I know that it doesn't sound like much to most people. So I'm taking 4 classes this term - so what? It's not like I'm working or doing even a semi-adequate job of keeping up at home...

But I am trying (with the help of the Shrink and Hubby) to acknowledge everything I am doing: 4 classes, plus 4 kids (who are currently in 12 regularly scheduled activities plus the things that are immediately after school), hospice volunteering, all the catching up on doctors' appointments and dentist appointments, 2 sets of weekly therapy, new member class at church and all the normal household things. That's a lot of things.

In my mind, it doesn't count for much because I'm still not able to keep the house clean. The point system we set up last spring/summer is working well. It helps a lot, having the living room back for general use and the decrease in overall upkeep required with more people in the house. Still, the laundry and the dishes are my mortal enemies. I would give anything to be able to make myself enjoy housekeeping. But I don't; I despise it more than almost anything. And as a result, my laziness, selfishness and extreme lack of motivation tend to win. Doing so well at school, even with as easy as that is coming mentally, doesn't change the fact that I am a crappy wife, an inadequate mother, an abominable housekeeper, and a pathetic person.