I'm Back...

I'm back. I've actually been back for a while but I haven't been able to get around to anything. I've had stories running around in my head the whole time. I've had that song stuck in my head wanting to get out. There are a million things I've wanted to blog on here too and yet it never got onto the page.

Maybe part of it is that I've been putting out fires ever since I got back. I had to try to catch up on what had happened and try to fix some problems that had been caused. Then there was Hell Week - that was last week. It started with the van being repossessed. That caused forest fires all over my life from Friday until Wednesday late night. And Mom isn't doing well so I'm quite worried about her. Baby-Mommy's work schedule exploded so Mom and I were tag-teaming Baby. Then came Wednesday. Wednesday started off with Drool Therapy, as always. That was... intense. Thursday, everything that could go wrong, DID go wrong and many things that couldn't go wrong did anyways. Everything from very small issues like slamming my hair in the car door to big things like locking my keys in the van and missing an appointment because of it and everything in between. That includes not sleeping well that night. (I know, story of my life lately, but I really needed some sleep!)

Then Friday came and I was home alone with Baby all day and I probably would have been okay but I talked to the MIL and she said something that totally blind-sided me and threw me into a vicious spiral. I tried everything the shrink has taught me to claw my way out of it. I tried distraction but Thursday had been so pervasively bad that everything I did, everything I thought about, reminded me of something that had gone wrong the day before or related to the trigger point in the conversation with the MIL. The only thing that actually worked was taking care of Baby. The thoughts still circled and hovered but I could focus on the mechanics of caring for her. Then she went down for nap. I had already called the shrink like he told me but he never (ever) called me back. I tried a whole fist full of ice cubes, doing housework, walking around outside, putting salt on my tongue and calling Craig (got his voicemail and didn't leave a message) and some of them helped for a very short period of time. The salt lasted as long as the salt was in my mouth and calling Craig and the shrink had me scared to death while waiting to talk to them but since I couldn't, it didn't last long either.

In the afternoon, looking at the raised scar on my wrist from the cross, I got thinking about scars and never being able to take back the past and I lost it. I ended up burning my wrist along the scar. Well, when I realized what I had done I was so consumed by shame and full of guilt and anger at myself that I didn't do anything else physically harmful. Hell Week ended by the time I got up Saturday to watch Baby and have a very busy day.

The biggest reason that Friday's wrist incident upset me so intensely is because the shrink had given me a list of things to do, things we will be working on to get mentally healthy. And I ended up messing up a huge number of them. And being upset at messing them up was in itself messing one up. Pathetic...

At any rate, I think things are getting back on track. I am taking active steps towards the shrink's list and a corresponding list from my guardian angel and I am trying to choose the healthy options even when they aren't the easy ones and even when they are counter-intuitive. I've been making a point to listen inside my head and try to do what I can to encourage co-operation and give the positive Voices what they need to keep them positive. I'm doing what I can when I can. And yesterday afternoon I took a bunch of photos that indulge the "Photo-Eye" urges in me. Last night I wrote up the SmudgedInk Sunday Homework Discussion and put out this week's Homework. I also worked on my song some and, though I didn't get far, I worked on it. And now... here I am, posting again.

I plan on putting up more posts, trying to catch up on the major points I missed getting in here. I hope to put up both lists, compare and contrast them, talk about some ideas I had for avoiding the whole self-harm thing and describe two of the pictures that came out good from yesterday's photo shoot. No promises but that's the plan...

(In reference to Friday's still-upsetting day...)

"Don't you *dare* come to me for forgiveness, you traitorous Bitch." (Callie Torez to Izzy, Grey's Anatomy)