God Grant Me the Serenity

God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change,
The strength to change the things I cannot accept,
And the wisdom to know the difference.

The Shrink has had me on edge, to the point of paranoia, about leaving Hubby and Baby-Mommy alone together for fear of their misbehaving. He has a point. This has happened before with Hubby and a girl that was living with us. And Baby-Mommy's judgement regarding her romantic relationships has been known to be questionable at best. All of my instincts tell me this is not a threat but The Shrink has some incredibly intuitions about things that surprise the heck out of me.

So I've been spazzing a bit. I've been staying up later than I want just to not leave them alone. I've been having nightmares and nightmarish daydreams about what could happen. The fear has been gnawing at me constantly, intensifying any time I see either of them.

I can't live like this.

This week I have been really struggling with Hubby's imminent departure. He will be gone for SIX WEEKS and I am really struggling with this. One of the things that has me upset is that I won't be there to make sure he doesn't stray. He will have every opportunity and I will have no way of finding out.

Last night, after I had taken a handful of little white pills and was waiting for the relaxation to kick in, it occurred to me if he is going to do something, he is going to do something and there is nothing I can do about it. Following this line of thinking, I realized that the same, ultimately, is true of him and Baby-Mommy. If something is going to happen, they could find a way to make it happen. It is true that leaving them alone at night under the same roof increases the possibility of something happening but there is a much greater chance of something happening while he is gone at training.

Que sera sera!

If he is going to cheat on me, he is going to cheat on me. I'm done babysitting them. I just don't care. If it happens it happens. I don't think they would do that to me, to each other. But if they do.... que sera sera.