Just One Thing

I have 1,000 Little White Pills and 1,000 reasons to take them. I have said in the past that I also have 1,000 reasons to NOT take them. What I didn't say is that those of those 1,000 reasons, only 3 or 4 even hold any weight. Of those 3 or 4, only one carries enough weight to keep those 1,000 pills in their bottles: I don't want to destroy my children.

I was reading a book that was a practitioner's guide to pathological grief in children. (Basically that is grief that is big enough to interfere in the children's life.) I have known for a very long time that having a parent that commits suicide increases a child's likelihood of committing suicide themselves by astronomical proportions. But in reading the chapter on helping these children cope with the suicide death of a parent... wow. It is so much bigger, stronger, harder, more painful and more permanent than I had imagined.

I'm sure Hubby, my parents, my Guardian Angel and Baby-Mommy would all be hurt if I were to swallow my little white pills but frankly I think they would recover. I think a few of them, after the initial shock, would actually be relieved to not have to deal with my BS melodrama anymore. I think it would break my mother. It might take the others a while to move on, though not too long. I doubt any of them could ever forgive me.

But the children... the damage to them would never quite go away. It would set them up for a lifetime of severe emotional problems. I can't do that to them. I already feel like I am failing them in so many horrid ways. I can't add that to their plate, no matter how desperately I want it.

So, in the end, of those 1,000 reasons not to take my 1,000 little white pills... only one of them matters. I would do anything for my children. Including live.