Keep an Eye on Your Husband

The Situation:
Baby-Mommy and Baby are moving in here at the end of the month. She lost her job and has no prospects for another. She's been needing to get rid of her boyfriend for a while now but even keeping him around she wouldn't have enough to make September's rent. So the boyfriend is moving out this weekend (having been totally blindsided by the break-up, though he shouldn't have been) and Baby-Mommy moves in next weekend.

The Backstory:
The year 2001 was very bad for me. I was having issues with anxiety and depression. My world fell to shit both in my personal life and in looking at the world around me.

In April I got pregnant with our long awaited 4th child. We had been trying since Kid-3 was one year old and I had already miscarried once. I promptly had a minor nervous breakdown. I was off work for about 6 weeks from various complications.

In June, a girl at our church ended up pregnant at 18 years old. She told everyone that the conception was... not consensual as she is a lesbian. (I have no judgement on that one way or the other.) The news caused her grandparents, with whom she lived, to kick her out of the house. She was due within a week of my due date. We took her in, trying to help and thinking it would be good for me to have someone around that was going through similar things as I was physically.

In July, the Andrea Yates tragedy happened and had a disproportionately devastating impact on me and my mental state. This was complicated by increasing problems with Kid-1's bipolar disorder, stress at work, and my husband beginning to act strangely.

In August, the girl staying with us suddenly started spending most of her time away from home without explanation. I was worried about her. By the end of the month she had stopped coming home practically at all, though she had not moved any of her stuff. She was refusing to return my phone calls and neither I nor Hubby could figure out what was going on.

At the very beginning of September, I learned, from a communication to Hubby from her, that she had left because they had slept together a few times and she felt too guilty to stay under my roof knowing what had happened. This was the day before my birthday. My husband had been having sex with an 18 year old lesbian who was 8 months pregnant in the room directly below mine while I slept upstairs. I was a little upset......

(2001 got worse from there, including 9/11, the premature birth of Kid-4 and subsequent NICU time, and my first complete psychotic break and subsequent hospitalization. But those aren't really relevant to this story.)

Today:
When I told The Shrink about Baby-Mommy coming to live with us, his reaction was to tell me to "keep and eye on [my] husband". I thought he meant because Hubby and Baby-Mommy do not completely get along. They each have rather negative opinions of the other that they had expressed to me but do not harp on. I thought he was referring to potential conflicts that could get ugly.

He meant exactly the opposite. He said that sometimes the not getting along is a case of 'methinks thou dost protest too much'. He has met Hubby on several occasions and he knows about most of Hubby's... 'liberal' behaviors regarding sex (both intra- and extra- marital). He also has heard me talk about Baby-Mommy to a large extent. And he thinks there is a real danger of something happening, at least a 50/50 chance. He advised me not to leave them alone. He said he hopes he is wrong but reminded me that he has never yet been wrong about anything major in my situation and it is better safe than sorry.

Now:
I can't stop thinking about it. I really don't think that Hubby would do that again. He nearly lost me over that, first because I nearly kicked him out and then because I was nearly lost to the mental illness that was made worse by his actions. Plus, he really doesn't like Baby-Mommy and I have never seen anything in his behavior or words to indicate that he is trying too hard to dislike her. And on top of that, I was refusing sex during that awful summer due to the complications with the baby and I'm not doing that right now.

I also can't bring myself to believe that Baby-Mommy would ever do anything to intentionally hurt me and, as she knows about the summer of 2001 (being one of the people to help me through it) she literally knows better. Plus she is coming out of a relationship she wishes she'd never been in and has, for the precise moment, sworn off guys in any form, let alone sex.

So I really want to believe that The Shrink, for once, is way off base. He said himself that this isn't a concrete prediction, just that he sees way too strong of a possibility to risk leaving them alone together. I want to think that I know my husband better than The Shrink does and same with Baby-Mommy.

Still... I can't stop thinking about it. I will certainly be hyper-vigilant about it. I will never leave them alone together. Yet even knowing the hyper-vigilance is in place, I can't stop worrying obsessively about it. It's like a migraine that won't go away, pounding at my skull and making all my senses overly sensitive. And, like my migraines, I can't seem to push the pain away.

I swear to god, if anything happens between them, I will not live through it. Even now, when nothing has happened and probably won't, the self-harm urges have completely gone through the roof. And this topic hurts too much to explain to anybody that it would be safe to explain it to, so I don't think I can make myself call anyone for help. Tomorrow is going to be a difficult day.

Please, God, make me a bird so I can fly far, far away from here.
Please, God, make me a bird so I can fly far, far away from here.
Please, God, make me a bird so I can fly far, far away from here.
Please, God, make me a bird so I can fly far, far away from here.
Please, God, make me a bird so I can fly far, far away from here.
Please, God, make me a bird so I can fly far, far away from here.