What's Wrong?

I love how people have taken to assessing my mood. I think we all do it to others to some degree, size a person up when we see them to determine how they are feeling which in turn determines how we behave. But most people, most of the time, keep the results of these observations to themselves.

Not around me lately. It's like people feel the need to tell me how I'm feeling, in case I don't know or something. What I find most amusing is that everyone except my bff, Baby-Mommy, seem to be wrong almost all of the time. But this is good as the comments I generally get are, "You sound good today." and "You look like you're in a good mood." and "You look good today." This is good because that means the face I put on for others is working. Most of the time I just smile and give an indication that they are correct without actually confirming it.

Baby-Mommy, on the other hand, takes one look at me and says things like, "What's wrong?" or "Rough day?" or "Hang in there, it's only 7 in the morning." This morning she greeted me with, "Not so grumpy today, huh? You look too tired to care." And she was dead on. It's ironic how well she knows my moods. She predicted every single crash I've had since she moved up here. (Which makes me nervous as she seems to think I am headed for one now.)

What makes this ironic is that Baby-Mommy doesn't do social cues very well. She rarely knows when she's crossed those fluid and invisible boundaries people set up. She is too open with some people and not open enough with others, she hasn't learned how to play the game of knowing what approach to take with people. She has zero respect for people's time and when she makes a faux pas there, doesn't know how to handle it appropriately. She does fine in a business setting between agent and customer but as soon as social aspects get involved, she gets a bit hazy.

And yet she reads me like I'm an open book. I cannot, no matter how hard I try, bullshit her about my mood. She may have no idea why I am in the mood that I am in, but she can correctly identify it. This gets sticky when I am trying to pretend I am fine and actually am not. It provokes the question:

What's wrong?

That is quite possibly the most evil question in all of the English language. (Although "Where do you want to go for lunch?" comes in a close second. *evil wink*) I can't actually tell people what is really going on. The consequences are unacceptable. If I tell Baby-Mommy that I am a few steps below depressed, having to work very hard to keep from doing some serious physical harm to myself and trying to figure out when in the crazy schedule of my life would be the best time for me to drug myself into a stupor and lamenting the fact that I can't just finish the job because of my kids but I am counting the minutes until they are gone so I can just die............... Yeah. That wouldn't go over so well. Let's look at what each of those items would provoke.

a few steps below depressed: This would lead to a discussion of why, which involves a great deal of self-loathing. She would then offer up a slew of compliments to get me to not hate myself, none of which I would believe. Then I would feel more guilty for not feeling better.

having to work very hard to keep from doing some serious physical harm to myself: First it would worry the hell out of her. Then she would go into protective mode and put measures in place to prevent me from being able to hurt myself. This would certainly involve not letting me stay up by myself or go anywhere by myself. It may even go so far as to trying to get a fucking babysitter for me instead of me babysitting Baby. And she would tell Hubby. Hubby would flat out freak and debate whether or not he can/should go away to train school. Then, not only would I not be able to get the satisfaction of seeing damage done to my body, I would have everyone stressed out.

trying to figure out when in the crazy schedule of my life would be the best time for me to drug myself into a stupor: First, she would tell Hubby, who would freak and do the whole train debate. Then she/they would take my pills away. And lock them up. And I would have to ask for my pills like a 3 year old. Grrr.

lamenting the fact that I can't just finish the job because of my kids but I am counting the minutes until they are gone so I can just die: This would create the biggest problems of them all. I don't even tell The Shrink that I feel this way. Everyone would go into panic mode. I would get endless lectures on the reasons that I shouldn't kill myself now or later. And there is a good chance that they would try to hospitalize me. If that happens, there is an equally good chance they would ship me down to the state mental hospital for 3 - 6 months or more.

That absolutely CANNOT happen. While a small part of me thinks that the time away would give me perspective and let me get my head on straight, the rest of me knows that I would not, will not, cannot let that happen. I've seen what happens when I'm not here - they can't keep things going with the kids. And everyone stresses out beyond their capacity. Plus the cost. Plus the fact that Hubby would refuse to go away to train school. And the damage it would do to the kids. And my mother. And the trust I will never again regain from my family. It is simply not an option.

So... what's wrong?

I'm just tired. I have a headache. Kids are driving me nuts. I'm worried about money. I don't feel good. Or my personal favorite - Nothing. (Followed by a swift change of the subject onto something that has to be handled to avoid coming back to it.)