When You're Gone

I've been behind you all the way, supporting your pursuit of this job with the railroad. I know why it is so important for us. We need the benefits badly and a stable income in this faltering economy will hopefully keep us from going under.

And I think this change will be good for you, too. You've been at this job for too many years with too few changes. You have nowhere to go there - there is no advancement potential - and the boss not only takes you for granted, he makes your job more difficult than it needs to be. The railroad is nothing like that. It's something new and different all the time, yet familiar also. And who hasn't had, at some point, the urge to just jump on a train (or similar) and take off?

It won't be easy for you. First you have to go be isolated away from everyone and everything you know and be expected to read and study and focus. Whether you have a job or not depends on your success here and I know you will feel the stress of it. Once you do get back, you will have some major adjustments ahead of you. Our family will have learned how to operate on our own, without you. You will be in and out and unable to schedule anything with any degree of certainty. But most of all, your sleep is about to become random and chaotic and that is not something you have ever dealt with well. Still, I think, with time, we will all adjust to this and get into a pattern of behaviors that mostly work.

I have supported you on every step of this journey. It is very clear that I am the only person who sees at least as many negatives in this as positives. So I have adopted an optimistic demeanor about it, stocking up on things to say to people when they ask. I tried the honesty route, telling people I'm scared to death of this. It backfired. It led to endless pep talks and listing of the positives involved. I already know those and don't need them repeated to me again.

It is so much easier to give people what they want than what they think they want. They don't want to know how I'm doing. They want to know that I am doing well. They don't want to know how I feel about this. They want to know that I am looking forward to it. Answering the questions people ask (inevitably and without exception) leads to an invalidation of my personal truth. The very best I can expect is a joke about it but most often, people will try to convince me of the answer they want to hear. And I end up feeling that I am bad and wrong (and all those other adjectives that fill my head) for not feeling how they want me to.

The truth of this particular matter is that I am still (and always have been) scared to tears. I am an extremely selfish individual with very a strong lazy streak. And while I see all the positives this may bring, I also see all the things it will destroy and/or take away. And, to me, those weigh heavily on my mind and heart.

The big things are obvious...

You will be completely gone for 6 weeks including Thanksgiving, the kids' first choir concert, Kid-4's birthday, your birthday, and the scout popcorn sales you said you'd handle. We haven't been apart for longer than 2 weeks since we got together 16 years ago. To use a cheesy cliche/quote: You complete me.

I have no idea how this is going to work financially. You just told me that we will not have health coverage for 3 months after you start. You said we'll do COBRA and I have no idea how we can possibly afford that. We can't meet our bills now, even with the substantial help we get from my parents.

There is no way logistically or practically that I could get a job to make ends meet until things come together. Do you even know how far behind we are? Your "salary" during training will be less than what you take home now, even considering the difference in health insurance and deductions. Once you get home, you will be on "training pay" which is still right at what you bring home now and not enough to get us caught up on everything that will have fallen even farther behind.

Expenses are likely to go up significantly. Your truck is on it's last breath - something will have to be done about it soon. Gas costs are going to rise for us with your driving so far to the train yard. Your lunch costs are going to go up as you will have to be getting many more meals out. I am trying to get us eating better and that is rising those costs, though my parents are footing most of that. We will need to pay for your cell phone now that work won't be covering it. You want to do something about a movie rental thing so you can watch movies on your laptop while you're gone - that's going to be a near impossibility.

And there are the extras... The kids need winter clothes. Kid-4's birthday is coming up. We have a big party planned for his birthday and your going away. We have our overnight guest coming for a week this month. And this big one, the one I am most worried about: Christmas.

They are already losing their father this Christmas as you will more likely than not be working on Christmas. I hate for them to lose the style of Christmas to which they are accustomed as well. Kid-4 still believes in the magical, come-down-the-chimney, media version of Santa Claus. He won't understand why last year Santa brought tons of stuff and this year Santa barely visits at all.

Those are the big things. I'm worried about money. I'm worried about being overwhelmed with everything I have to do basically on my own. I'm worried that I will fall apart and there will be no one there to catch me. I'm worried that we will suffer as a family and as a couple from the distance and time. I'm worried about all these changes at once.

But there are a thousand little things too.

When you're gone, who will hold me in the middle of the night after a nightmare without asking me what it was about? When you're gone, who will call me every day at lunchtime just to see how I'm doing? When you're gone, who will quote movies back and forth with me? When you're gone, who will give me long tight hugs for absolutely no reason just because I need a hug? When you're gone, who will smile indulgently while I babble? When you're gone, who will always know how to fix anything from the computers to the cars? When you're gone, who will take kids places on Saturday mornings so I can sleep? When you're gone, who will talk to people on the phone so that I don't have to? When you're gone, who will cover for me when I have a headache? When you're gone, who will help me figure out what to do about a problem with the kids? When you're gone, who will tell me they are just normal siblings when I don't know because I've never been there? When you're gone, who will force us to do Family Cleaning Day when I want to skip it so bad I ache? When you're gone, who will get angry and frustrated at people doing things so that I don't have to feel those emotions? When you're gone, who will tell me I'm beautiful, know it isn't true, but really believe it anyway? When you're gone, who will tell me it's going to be okay, without having any clue how, and have me actually believe it?

Please, God! Let me wake up from this horrible nightmare or go to sleep and never wake up!!! I don't wanna be here anymore.