A Hailstorm of Thoughts

I don't know that I can stick to one line of thoughts here and I don't really even feel like trying. So many things wandering around in my mind, bouncing off each other or overlapping. Not many make much sense. And most of them contradict each other, sometimes completely.

My current favorite song is Breathe In, Breathe Out by Mat Kearney. I am all about breathing as a means of controlling my emotional state and my physical state. So any song that features breathing is likely to get my attention. This song was especially likely to be noticed because it is featured prominently on the Grey's Anatomy Season 3 Soundtrack. And then there's the song itself. I love its sound and feel. Finally, we get down to the lyrics. "Breathe in, breathe out, tell me all of your doubts; Everybody bleeds this way, just the same." I'm not going to rehash the exact things I originally said about the song and the lyrics so here's the link to my post on it:

"Breathe In, Breathe Out"

I will say that I wish I had someone to hold the other line. The ironic thing is... I do. I have several people that I should be able to talk to, to go to when I need help, when I need someone to tell me to "make it through another night" and yet I can't seem to talk about it. This must be one of my greatest puzzles about myself. Why can't I say I feel when I'm hurting? Why can't I let myself trust people who have proven themselves trustworthy? Why does saying something out loud give it so much power in my mind? And why can't I use that power instead of fearing it? WHY CAN'T I TALK TO ANYONE?

I am sinking again. All I want to do is cry. The desire to escape is so strong that I found myself checking out MapQuest for places I could go to get away. I want to quit. I don't want to keep fighting. I don't want to fight to get better. I just want to BE better. How can I possibly climb this mountain?

Ingrid Michaelson sings my theme song. Keep Breathing says everything I feel. "I want to change the world. Instead, I sleep...... and all I can do is keeping breathing."

I seem to have an actual block against housework. I have been reading about motivation lately (in trying to find a way to get to Kid-1 to read and write) and I'm realizing that this lack of housekeeping on my part goes way deeper than a lack of motivation. I can force myself to do many things that I don't want to do, that I am scared of doing, that actually cause me pain. I can make myself do them anyway by finding the right motivation to do it. But cleaning things up, most notably general straightening and picking things up, I can't make myself do on my own no matter what thoughts I dangle in front of my mind. I can "yes, I will do this" to things I am too ashamed to write about and yet I cannot make myself clean off the kitchen table unless Craig is standing beside me telling me "do it now" and I absolutely have no way out. Even then, I get nervous and tense and twitchy the whole time. This cannot simply be a product of laziness - can it? There has to be more going on. I just have absolutely NO IDEA what it is...

Lately I feel like my life is one series of unanswered questions after another. Some are just lack of knowledge - things I wish I knew more about. Some are lack of insight - why did that person do that? Some are lack of confidence - is this true about me? A great deal is lack of context and/or experience - what would happen under this set of circumstances? I often find myself thinking (with a great deal of frustration attached) WHERE CAN I FIND THIS INFORMATION? The question is often followed closely by, "and when do I have time to learn it?" Of course, I have no answers to those questions either...

I wish technology and/or my typing/handwriting could keep up with my ideas. Thoughts zipping around in my mind are sometimes worth saving but I don't have the technology to make them happen (as with composing music videos in my head) or the speed to write them down (as with scenes or snatches of dialog for a story) or even the ability to render them as they exist in my mind. I have pictures in my head that I have no way of getting out, songs that wind their way through my thoughts that I have not the talent (knowledge? technology?) to transfer to a musical score. There are also so many things I want to research that I simply haven't had (or taken) the time to do so. My thoughts far exceed my energy and time management skills.

Stray thought... what really would happen if I had the nerve and the ability to say the things I think about?

"Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear." Ambrose Redmoon