Blank Stare and Talking to Myself

darkness

despair

desire to be more than i am

blind to understand how i could get there

every step forward shows me how far there is to go

maybe ignorance really is bliss

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if i could talk to someone right now... what would i say? everything i am thinking upsets people. it is the same story every time: feelings aren't right or wrong... but i am wrong when i feel the way i do now.

if i could talk to someone right now... what would i want THEM to say to me?

it hurts. i can't stop crying. i feel like everything i do is wrong. it is either motivated by the wrong things, or the behavior itself is wrong, or my reaction to the behavior is wrong. i want to close the doors again and give up. i want to go back inside my hole, into the back of a dark closet, go back into my own little world. in my world, things made sense to me, even when no one else understood me. can i just go back to not knowing, to not even knowing that i don't know?

i know you don't want to hurt. growing is often a painful process. but growth is the natural way of things. how does that go with your kids?

"i didn't say you could grow up. who said you could grow up?" "God" "well, i guess i can't argue with that"

exactly. and like it or not, you are god's child, god is in you, and god says you can grow up.

i don't believe in God.

you're talking to yourself, remember? i know better. i know just how close you really are with God, even if you deny it to the world. and it doesn't matter whether you believe in God or not because God believes in you. what did you used to say when you were little?

God takes good care of us when we let Him.

that's right. it's time to grow. growth, change, is difficult, and it hurts. but it happens for a reason. it happens in the time frame it is meant to follow. you ARE growing, so it is time. look how far you've come! listen to the light inside you that is shining on everything you can be...

but it does hurt. and it is hard. and i am tired of hurting, tired of fighting. starting to see where i could go, where i could be... it makes it seem so much farther away. this is like climbing a mountain. it was surrounded by clouds before and i saw nothing when i looked up. now they are starting to clear and while i am starting to see things, sometimes wonderful things, i also see how very far away the top of this mountain is. i don't think i am strong enough to climb that far.

it is just one step at a time. step over each rock as you come to it. stand on the rocks to get to the next rock. sometimes you are going to have to have stretch and sometimes it feels like the rocks are slipping beneath your feet, but you can do this. i know you can do this because you ARE doing this. what have you learned that is brand new that you never acknowledged before, even in the dark corners where no one could hear? it's okay, you can say it. no one will hurt you with it.

i am very good at understanding people, at seeing the subtleties and the nuances. i have helped people before not by fluke but by skill, by a gift. i am observant and sensitive and i can see things how they do and meet them where they are at.

wow! do you have any idea how big that just was? could you have done that a year ago? 6 months ago? 3 months ago? even just ONE month ago?

but it hurt!!

why?

because i feel like i am going to be told it's not me, that i'm not special for this, even that it isn't true. and because if it is true, there is one more thing i should be able to do and am not doing. it's another failure.

it's not another failure, even though it feels like it because it is new and it is big. someone may tell you those things. i can't promise they won't. but i can tell you that not every one can do what you can. and you already use your gifts. you know what to say to a friend who is hurting. you notice when your children are hurting, even when they are hiding it. you know just by looking at someone how they are feeling and you react to that in a way is beneficial.

beneficial to me. just call me happy bunny.

a healthy relationship, even just a healthy transaction, involves BOTH parties benefiting. that means you too. and you can learn to use your gift, your skills, in bigger and better and more meaningful ways as you go, at your own pace. and that is God's pace.

"Welcome to wherever you are..."

Bon Jovi, yes. right here, right now, you're exactly where you're supposed to be.

what if i don't want to be here? what if want to quit and go back to the way it was?

you can make that choice. you can choose, right here, right now, to shut down, to deny everything that hurts. you can make that choice.

it would hurt so many people...

yes, it would. but that shouldn't be your reason for not doing it. the reason needs to come from inside you. you need to decide to grow because it is the right thing to do for YOU. as you grow, you will be able to help others more. you don't have to do anything. and don't choose to keep going simply to not hurt other people.

then i choose to quit. it's too hard and i am tired.

"you chose... wisely."

indiana jones and the last crusade. wait - did you say wisely? i just said i'm quitting.

do you know how muscles get stronger? when you exercise them, it creates tiny tears in them. the tears then fill in with more muscle. but if you don't give those tears a chance to fill in, you will only create a damaging kind of tear. work the muscles, then rest and let them grow into place. then work them some more and rest again.

so it's okay to back off?

it's good. you need to process what you're learning. you need to become okay with it. then you can step onto another rock and reach for a higher one.

"you sleep now, mommy."

sixth sense. how appropriate. yes, you sleep now...