"Just be yourself, and don't go chewing on the bones at supper!"

I am so tired of fighting. It shouldn't be this hard just to breathe. It shouldn't take this much mental effort just to stay alive every single day. I can't live up to the expectations on me, from myself or from others. I want to be all things to all people but they ask contradicting things of me and what should I think and do then? One person says I should assert myself and fight for what I want; another equally important person says I have to be a specific way to be healthy. And then throw in the guidance from my Guardian Angel and my shrink and my psychiatrist (many times all conflicting with each other.)

Often I am told to "be myself" but this strikes me a lot like the, question "How are you?" MOST of the time it's asked, it is simply a greeting. People don't actually want to know about the migraine or the fight with the kids or the overdue bills that can't be paid. And I'm finding out that when people tell me I should just "be myself" what they mean is that *I* should be a relatively content, moderately-successful, positive person with happy anecdotes to tell and a range of socially acceptable interests and hobbies. That is who *I* should be and, since I am therefore that person, I should "be myself."

What if I'm NOT that kind of person? What if "myself" means I am a pessimist by nature, selfish by habit and lazy at heart? I'm not successful and I'm not peppy and I have to rehearse happy anecdotes to recite. I have hobbies but nothing anyone else is interested in listening to me babble about. And my thoughts are anywhere but where people want them to be. So - what if "being myself" means not being a very nice person?

I have learned through the years the fine art of being a chameleon. I can "be" whoever I need to be depending on who I am around and what those people are expecting of me. If I'm around a Bible-thumper, I know enough to smile and nod in all the right places and pipe in a supportive statement here and there. If I'm around a Pagan, I know enough to understand the differences between Pagan and Wiccan and the concepts each follow. (I don't know all the gods or their specialties but I can usually bluff my way around that or just flat out ask.) It is the same with just about any religion. I don't have to agree with them and I almost never expand on MY actual religious beliefs, but I can hold a conversation that is meaningful and productive regardless of who I am talking to.

The same applies to behavior. Behavior in different circumstances can be learned. When I am in one place, I behave one way and another place another place gets another behavior. I conform to what those around me are doing. "When in Rome..." is practically my mantra. New situations scare me because I haven't had a chance to practice the expected behavior and have to try to learn it on the fly.

I practice conscious, active, non-judgement. No matter who I am talking to and how good or bad their actions have come across, I consciously work to understand where they are coming from. There are only a few things I absolutely cannot comprehend where someone is coming from. It doesn't mean I have to agree with or condone their behavior, but I can arrange myself accordingly so as not come across as condemning or judgmental.

I frequently end up in situations where I am doing things I don't care for and sometimes doing things that I actively think are wrong. I do have my limits and generally follow the guidelines that I will not cross any line where crossing it means someone else is going to get hurt. Sometimes that means doing things better than I would normally want and sometimes that means putting myself in compromising and upsetting situations. But no one else ends up hurting because of something *I* did.

I have confided this approach to life that I have to a couple of people and have met with resistance each time. They say I should "be myself" instead of changing my behavioral values to suit those around me. But what if "myself" IS changing my values to suit those around me? They say to be myself but only if that means being how they think I should be in which case - aren't I changing my values to suit their expectations just like I do in every other situation?

And what's so wrong with adapting anyways?! I do it so people don't get hurt and that, in turn, means *I* don't get hurt. I'm tired of hurting. I've tried "assertive" and assertive causes conflict and conflict causes pain. I don't like pain. So why do I have to do "assertive" in the first place?

I want to give up fighting the people who are telling me to fight. I want to just do what they want they want me to do. But I keep getting conflicting instructions. In the past I've always handled this by following the instructions of the person I'm around. But now I'm being specifically told that doing that is wrong.

"Be myself"

There is a line in the movie "Ever After" where Danielle says, "I hope they like me!" and the woman (servant/nanny/mother-type figure) says, "Just be yourself, be that little angel I know is in there somewhere... and don't go chewing on the bones at supper!" So she tells her to be herself, but only the right part of herself.

Everything I do, I do for someone else to some degree or other. The closest I come to doing something for me alone is write and even that is often done to please other people or to uphold what is seen as my role. Left to myself, to do what *I* truly want, I'd be dead. But like answering truthfully to the question, "How are you?" that is not the right answer. What a paradox... everyone telling me to be myself then telling me who I am is wrong.

Is it lying to think one thing and say another? To present oneself as one way when one feels completely different? Perhaps I am the biggest liar of everyone, even in my determined claim that I do not lie. But that is a subject for another post...

"I want to save the world; instead, I sleep....... all I can do is keep breathing. All I can do is keep breathing. All I can do is keep breathing....... now." (excerpts from "Keep Breathing" by Ingrid Michaelson.