Song Lyrics

In trying to think of an appropriate title for this post, all I could think of were a wide variety of song lyrics...

"There's a girl/ I used to know..."
"Open the door/ and let me in"
"What a girl wants/ what a girl gets"
"You've got a friend in me"
"I hate everyone. I hate everyone."
"If silence keeps you, I, I will break it for you"
And, of course, "It is lonely in the dark"

I have friends who tell me everything. I know about their love lives, their kids' lives, their nightmares and their secrets. I know their dirty laundry and the things they feel that they hope no one can see. I know the good, the bad and the ugly.

On television, Addison just broke down sobbing against her best friend Naomi after a particularly horrible day. On Grey's Anatomy, Christina knows all of Meredeth's shit and Meredeth knows all of Christina's shit and they both basically spread their shit around. On Dark Angel, Max tells Cindy everything. On Supernatural, the boys fight like brothers but they talk to each other like true friends. In Evan Marshall's novel writing plan, one of the key characters is always the confidant.

Everyone has someone that they can talk to. Someone they can say what they are really feeling without dodging or pretending or hoping the topic happens to come up. What's wrong with me? Why am I so afraid to just say what I am thinking? Everything that comes out of my mouth goes through layers of filters and censors, even when I am being super-bitchy like this past week, I haven't been able to tell anyone why. My poor Craig! He doesn't understand why I shut him out, as he says. He doesn't know what is going on in my head. He has no idea why I turn him away and turn him away and turn him away until he gets so frustrated that he doesn't give me a choice any more. And I can't tell him.

I have a best friend. Baby-Mommy is my best friend. I know everything about her life, even things she doesn't think I know. And she can tell me anything - and does. But I can't tell her what I'm thinking, what I'm feeling.

My latest thing is to play 4 year old and greet everything with the question, "Why?" So, WHY won't I let anyone in? Why can't I just tell people what I am thinking and feeling? Why am I always afraid it will be used against me when logic tells me that is irrational? This time, I don't have an answer.

I can say a lot of things on here. And they often lead to conversations with my guardian angel about them. But there are so many things I don't even put in here. The Shrink tacked on the phrase "unless there's more you're not telling me" to the end of one of his statements. I responded that I don't lie to which he calmly pointed out that I may not lie, but often evade and even more often leave things out. Why do I do that? Just because I put something in here doesn't obligate my guardian angel to bring it up in conversation and I'm nearly positive he knows that. So I don't think it would be putting undue stress on him to post here. And I am PAYING the shrink to listen to me tell him things. So I should be able to tell him my crap. My husband is supposed to be my life-partner with whom I share everything. And certainly I should be able to confide in my best friend.

Why have I written my own story without a confidant? Evan Marshall would not be impressed...

WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?!?!?!

"Your first story was better." (Miracle Max to Inigo, "The Princess Bride")

PS - HAPPY THANKSGIVING! I am so thankful for all the many blessings in my life. I truly appreciate all the wonderful things I get to experience and the miraculous people in my life. "God takes good care of us when we let him..." -J:SV