Sometimes I think that my mp3 player creeps inside my head and plays the songs that my heart needs to hear or my brain is already thinking. I think I could have an entire therapy session where I speak in nothing but quotes from movies, books and songs. It would go something like this:
Shrink: How are you feeling today?
Me: "I had a bad day."
Shrink: I'It happens.
Me: "All I can do is keep breathing."
Shrink: Well, breathing is good. It's a good place to start.
Me: "I want to change the world!"
Shrink: We all change the world by our very presence. We influence others and they influence us.
Me: "I hate everyone."
Shrink: It takes a lot of energy to hold on to that intensity of emotion.
Me: "Instead I sleep."
Shrink: Is there perhaps a better way to approach this?
Me: "I think it's about forgiveness..."
Shrink: I think you're right. Now, forgiving them - or yourself?
Me: "Who I am hates who I've been."
Shrink: What can we do to fix that?
Me: "Hate me today. Hate me tomorrow..."
Shrink: That sounds a bit counter-productive. Is there another option?
Me: "Don't worry. Be happy?"
Shrink: Very idealistic but how can we get there?
Me: "Breathe in and breathe out."
Shrink: Helpful, what else?
Me: "Don't give up?"
Shrink: I like the sound of that one. Maybe it would help to address the anger, face it, and let it go. Think of one person specifically you are angry with. What would you say to that person if you could?
Me: "Most of all - I hate, I HATE you!"
Shrink: Very strong and assertive. Which person did you pick?
Me: "This animal I have become."
Shrink: So your anger is actually directed at yourself?
Me: "I hate everyone."
Shrink: I take it you are actually referring to everyone inside your head? Why the intense anger at yourself?
Me: "I would have stayed up all night had I known how to save a life."
Shrink: And you didn't save that life so now you hate yourself to such a violent extreme?
Me: "That's one thing I won't touch again."
Shrink: But you are touching by holding it against yourself to the point of hurting yourself over it.
Me: "I'm not crazy. I'm just a little unwell."
Shrink: I didn't say you were crazy; I said you are holding on to your past mistakes and hurting yourself with them over and over. You don't have to do that. You can release this now, forgive yourself and let yourself move on.
Me: "Who says you can't go home?"
Shrink: The past is not home.
Me: "This house is not a home."
Shrink: The past is memory, history, undeniable but unchangeable.
Me: "All I can do is keep breathing."
Shrink: And forgive yourself so you can move on.
Me: "I'll drive so f*cking far away that I never cross your mind."
Shrink: You've been trying to outrun this for years. Is it working for you?
Me: "It's just the weight of the world."
Shrink: It doesn't have to be that heavy.
Me: "It's a small world..."
Shrink: It's a decision. It's over. Time to make new choices about right now.
Me: "It's now or never?"
Shrink: Something like that...
Me: "I'll tell myself I'm Novocaine."
Shrink: Back to the extremes, but it doesn't have to be like that either. You made a choice and you regret the choice but you can't go back. You can't fix this by holding onto to the pain of it.
Me: "It's never too late."
Shrink: It's too late to change the past but you can choose a better future. Will you work with me to let this go?
Me: "I will let you down. Trust me: I will let you down."
Shrink: We'll start small and go from there. This week, try not to hurt yourself, okay?
Me: "Pain - can't get enough."
Shrink: But as you've said before, it doesn't help anything. So what can you do to keep from hurting yourself?
Me: "I'm sending a letter to God."
Shrink: Really? What are you going to say?
Me: "Please, God, make me a bird so I can fly far, far away from here."
Shrink: The running away again. Anything else?
Me: "The rest is still unwritten."
Shrink: Okay, what other coping techniques could you use?
Me: "Keep breathing."
Shrink: Good idea. How about we think of some good thoughts to hold onto. What is it your kids are always telling you?
Me: "You are loved."
Shrink: That's right. And what can you tell those self-harm urges?
Me: "You have no power over me."
Shrink: Exactly! And to cheer yourself up?
Me: "Get stoned!!"
Shrink: Ha Ha. Try again...
Me: "Give a little whistle?"
Shrink: Better. Now how do you feel?
Me: "In over my head."
Shrink: You can do this. I have confidence in you. I see that we are out of time so I guess we should...
Me: "Move along?"
Shrink: I wouldn't have put it that way, but okay. See you next week?
Me: "I wanna stay home..."
Shrink: But you'll be here anyway, right?
Me: "As you wish..."
See? And that's just the stuff I got around to writing down. I could keep going but I'm bored and supposed to be doing NaNo so I'll leave it at that. And yes, I can tell you where each line comes from if you want. LOL
Oh, and no copyright infringement intended, everyone owns their own songs and all that legal stuff... ;-)
Quote for my frame of mind: "Even heroes have the right to bleed" ("Superman" by Five for Fighting)
