Validation and Redemption

Today was much better than last week. The Shrink was even later this week - poor dude! He thought I was his first appointment, got there a little early to get some paperwork done and... yeah - he did have one before me. Oops. LOL However, he didn't seem ruffled or anything. We had an interesting little side-conversation about being Gods of our own little worlds, free will, destiny and ordering things as we wish.

Then we talked about my uncle's death and my lack of reaction. After hearing me out and asking a few questions, he basically reassured me that it's okay to feel however I feel and that I am having nothing but a normal reaction to the situation. We weren't close any more so it makes sense that I wasn't broken up about it. Since I don't seem to be doing the denial thing about his death, or avoiding it through dissociation or shutting off all of my feelings, he said there is nothing abnormal about how I feel. That was reassuring. I didn't really bring up the uncomfortable feelings I had been feeling around my uncle for the past several years. Honestly, I don't know why I didn't. Mostly because I couldn't figure out how to explain it, let alone provide an explanation for the feelings.

Once the topic had wound down, after he assured me I wasn't a freak for not feeling much about the death, we moved on to the next thing. I had been wondering why exactly it is that I get so scared of the possibility of me having good traits, strengths. I know they are there, but I don't want to look at them, think about them, talk about them or openly admit them. I treat my strengths like most people treat their flaws. (This is the Shadow concept Jungwent on about.) I asked him why, wanted him to explain it to me. He opened his mouth like he was going to tell me, then closed it and gave me his probing, "I'm trying to figure you out" look. Then he asked me if I really had no idea. grrr I explained that the only thing I can really come up with is how, when I was growing up, I would think I was doing something right (like being funny or smart or nice or whatever) only to find out quite unexpectedly that I wasn't doing it right at all.

At that point we digressed slightly and talked about whether I am a mostly good person with some flaws or a mostly flawed person with some good. (I think the latter, he the former.) We talked about how I am actually doing a heck of a lot better in that I will now admit that I do have some good in me whereas before I refused to see that and put all the responsibility for it onto other people. He tried again to convince me that I am good by having me tell him why I think I'm not. But he always dismisses me when I try to explain and we both end up frustrated. He always ends that conversation with the same assertion: I will never be able to convince him that I am not a good person. Flattering, I guess, but frustrating. He doesn't see the darkness that stains my soul or the evil thoughts that fill my head.

We steered the talk back to why I feel this way when "normal" people don't, why I am so terrified to look at my strengths. He was flipping through my chart, looking for something unspecified. He came to a sketch I did of the layout of the house I lived in when I was really young. I had drawn it while I was explaining to him that my parents' room was at the far end of the hallway from mine with my Uncle (who he still insists on referring to as Frog-Man. ggggrrrrr) in between us. And he said, "I think it all comes back around to this."

My Uncle twisted the truth into something horrifying. He made sure I believed that I am evil and that nothing will change that. This was reinforced by my mother whose unpredictable temper often caught me off-guard when I thought I was doing something good. It was further reinforced in school as I was oblivious to social norms and constantly teased and ostracized for violating standards I didn't know about. Even now there is a degree of uncertainty in my interactions with others as to how it will be received. Will it be good enough? Done correctly? Should it have been done at all? Sooner? Later? I have convinced myself, because that's what I was led to believe from the start, that I am not now (never have been and never will be) good enough. We closed with him going back to reinforcing that I've come a long way in believing better of myself and that he truly believes I am good.

As I was leaving, he followed me (as usual) and just before I stepped out the door he stopped me, gave me his "I'm sincere and this is important to me" look and asked me if I would try, this week, to go back to keeping track of the things I do right. I agreed and left. That one question had quite an effect though. Last week I felt like he was humoring me when I told him about doing that. I was all excited and proud of myself and it felt to me like he listened to what I said and moved on and that it wasn't any big deal, let alone an accomplishment that was quite difficult and counter-intuitive for me. But the look he gave me and the tone in his voice and the timing of the question kind of redeemed the idea in my mind. It must have been a valid thing to do and, as I had suspected but not been comfortable believing, he was just having a bad day last week.

All in all, a good week. Left me with a lot of things to think about (and probably many to blog about as well. I already have several topics I want to think through on "paper".)