How Low Can You Go?

The lyrics from Grease's Hand Jive rattle around in my mind. Or maybe it's the Casper Slide. Either way, I feel like I am sinking ever lower. I feel like crying all the time. My head hurts and my heart aches. My eyelids feel heavy and I'm oh so tired all the time. What I would give to be able to curl up in my bed and stay there. I don't wanna do anything, except cry.

Everything just feels like too much. Baby-Mommy will be moving in this coming weekend. Hubby will be leaving at the end of October. There's also the schedule for this year - we're crazy busy as usual - how do I know whether I'm pushing them too hard or not hard enough or not holding them back hard enough or too hard?

No matter what I do, I can't seem to get or stay caught up on the housework. The laundry situation is humiliating and hopeless. And it's only going to get worse.

Money is a joke and it's about to get worse real quick as we house two more bodies and I have no idea what we'll do come November when the bottom drops out for a few weeks.

Plus, Kid-1's attitude and mouth are really getting to me. Then there's Mom. I'm torn - I want to be there for her but I simply don't have the energy so much of the time.

And I'm so tired. I'm tired of hurting all the time - my head, my knees, my back. I'm tired of feeling the wrong way about everything. I frustrate and worry those around me when I express how I really feel but they get upset when I shut them out. I just don't know how to change how I feel. I'm tired of hurting other people. Everything I think, everything I do, it's never quite what it needs to be.

Above all is the oppressive feeling that there is no way out of this. Nothing ever changes. And when things do go up, they always come right back down. The Shrink asked me once, a very long time ago, to describe 'my vision for a peaceful future' - that is the only piece of homework he has ever given me that I didn't do. Because I have no idea at all what that would be.

And I'm wondering if I'm going to find out again just how low I can go...

"We're trapped. There is no way out. They are coming." (Lord of the Rings, The Fellowship of the Ring, book two, in the mines of Moria)