What Goes Up...

Must (and does) come down.

Last week after therapy, I felt so good, so empowered. I had a plan that I could stick to. Hopeful, optimistic, even excited - all these words described me. I held onto that feeling all day Wednesday, all day Thursday, all day Friday. I did okay Saturday and Sunday. Monday I slipped - a lot - and turned "the reins" over to someone else to handle it for me. That went well, no one the wiser, and I managed to come out of the evening feeling good still. Tuesday - yeah, well, I kept my chin up well enough for appearances sake but the buzz was gone.

Wednesday I went back to therapy. I brought The Shrink a present. Now, announcing to The Shrink that I have a present for him is a sure-fire way to make him instantly nervous. It's that whole "no gifts" dynamic - it sets most shrinks on edge because it's awkward and sensitive. They don't wanna hurt anyone's feelings but it's really a breech of ethics and all that. I know my Shrink. I know how to make him nervous and how to get him to relax again.

But his day hadn't started out too good. His first appointment came late AND ran over - then wouldn't leave. We were 25 minutes late getting started. As he walked in the room, he looked tired already and it wasn't even 9:30. Maybe I'm projecting or transference-ing or some other nice Freudian term, but my guess is that wasn't the first thing that went wrong that morning. But he took a couple breaths, came in and closed the door and seemed okay.

So I did my "I have a present for you." Sure enough, he tensed, looked slightly dodgy and pointedly didn't sit down. He froze. Instead of dangling him along, I explained. (The twitchy look in his eyes made me nervous.) I had burned a "Feel Better Mix" for Baby-Mommy and thought he'd like the songs too. If not the songs, at least the lyrics. These songs really hit the spot when things are so dark that there doesn't seem to be a way out. Again, predictably, he relaxed immediately. I bring him song lyrics all the time.

So we talked songs and genres for a little bit. (Did you know that "acid rock" is now called "death metal" and that it comes in Christian varieties? Weird...) Then I told him about my campaign to keep track of good things instead of bad things. I was excited. I was proud. And yes, I was approval-seeking. *sigh* But The Shrink was only mildly pleased. It was as if it wasn't any big deal. When I commented how well it worked, he said almost nothing. When I then commented that it was very difficult and rather exhausting, he told me that after 90 days of it, it wouldn't be. In under 5 minutes, he had changed the subject.

As if I didn't feel deflated enough, I made the mistake of being a little too honest in response to his standard probing. Self-harm? No. Urges? Intense. How intense? Used my list - but it worked. Lost time? Not too bad. How bad? Nothing unplanned.

And then it blew up in my face. And I should have known better. My Voices are my own. There are a grand total of 4 people in my life who know about them. Only one accepts them. And it isn't The Shrink. I guess I thought he would understand my co-ordinating with The SV to help me with situations I can't handle on my own. I was wrong. He wants all me all the time. He doesn't know what he's asking.

I left feeling defeated and beaten down. I know I shouldn't be seeking his approval. I don't need him to pat me on the head and give me a gold star in order to know I did good. I also know how he feels about The SV. Maybe he's right. Maybe he's not. Maybe he was just having a bad day and I took it wrong. I don't know.

Why did I tell him the truth?! No one understands how this works. Even I don't fully get it. But I know who I can trust and who I can't. I don't understand why I can't let those more capable handle situations that I can't. So long as it's controlled, why is that bad?

When I was much younger and I told people that I thought in Voices, they either thought I was crazy or blew me off. When I explained it that they are just how I think, in different Voices, they would back off. Instinctually I never told the psychiatrists. During my first major break, after Kid-4 was born, I did tell them. They couldn't decide if I was schizophrenic or psychotic. They opted for psychotic and drugged me into a blind stupor. For the first time in my memory, I didn't hear The SV.

It was AW-FUL!!

And it didn't stop them. I just didn't hear the warning signs. Time went on and things got worse. The bad guys started to win. I told a few people what was happening and by and large they didn't believe me. Hubby saw first hand. My Guardian Angel "saw" them. Baby-Mommy believes me based on what Hubby says, what I said and the circumstances of things that have happened. I don't think she's actually seen any of them, or realized what she saw at least. My mother I think already knew, though she never put a name to it.

Then The Shrink saw one too many things and Hubby told him a few others. And he confronted me and I admitted it and we talked briefly about The SV. He reacted very old school. (Though not so far back in old school as to accuse me of faking which was my biggest fear.) But he wants them gone.

I've been dodging him about it ever since, denying their existence, playing up the subtle points that make it sound like I don't like or want them, even as juvenile as changing the subject. Every so often I probe to see if he still wants to kill off The SV. Apparently, he does. Maybe he is right and I should have only one Voice in my head, should be present and conscious even of things that nearly destroy me, should exist in a much more 2-dimensional world than I currently live in. That is certainly popular opinion. No SV, just me - as if I am not one of them.

If even my own Shrink, whom I love and trust and rely on (probably more than I should) cannot accept me with them as an integral part of me, I certainly can't expect anyone else to. I am tempted to plead the adage that people fear that which they do not understand. But people fear evil too and with good reason. Maybe I am evil and just don't want to take responsibility for it.

Darkness falls over Camelot.