My uncle is dying. He lives almost 4 hours away. We aren't close anymore. When I was little, he was the best part of family gatherings. He was fun and playful. He'd chase me around and tickle me. He had a pet name for me, very similar to one I'd rather not think about. But he made me giggle. He thought my antics were funny. There is one family story that people love to tell...
(I'm going to call my uncle "Jack" for the purposes of this story. That's not his name but I need a name to tell the story properly.)
I was about three years old and Uncle "Jack" had taken me to McDonald's. Upon returning from the bathroom, I shouted, loud enough for the entire restaurant to hear, "MONSTER JACK! I POOPED!! Apparently the restaurant found it amusing as most everyone laughed. Including my uncle who found the whole thing hysterical and has never let me live it down, but in a good way.
My memories of him are good. Tickling me, laughing at me, not hating me... None of my memories of him are bad. I know some stuff about him; he's not an angel, that's for sure. He's an alcoholic and a redneck. He's not the brightest bulb in the strand. He's a bit coarse and a bit crass. But all I remember is good.
So why am I not upset at the news of his impending death? A week, maybe a month... and he's in an unbearable amount of pain. I'm concerned and I feel bad for him and all his loved ones. But I feel no connection to his death. It's just a name, a fact.
In fact, whenever I try to attach an emotion to him, all I get is a vague uneasiness. Something feels uncomfortable and somehow wrong. It's like when you are playing an instrument and hit a flat note in a chord: not as harsh and painful as a sharp note but it just doesn't sound right. Whenever I think of Uncle "Jack" as he might be connected to me - I feel awkward.
It's been this way for years, this confusing agitation. So it isn't some kind of defense against feeling pain from his impending death. I just don't understand it. Where is this disquiet coming from? All my memories of him are good.
What's wrong with me??? Why am I not broken up or at least sad? Why do I feel so weird about him?
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***UPDATE***
Monday, August 11, 2008 9:26 AM
And he's gone. Just like that. Less than 12 hours after I found out he is dying from cancer, he is gone. Even now, there are no emotions attached. It just is.
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2 comments:
Death is so ellusive. Every moment of grieving is done differently. I can especially relate today to what you write. My grandmother passed away yesterday and while I am very sad I can only seem to think of it in terms of myself. How will "I" feel when my mother passes away. Everyone says my grandmother's passing is "for the best". Yes it is true she is no longer living a less than robust life but at least when she was alive she was here and I was not sad, I was not feeling guilty at wishing I had visited more.
Sounds selfish I know. I guess my point is whatever we feel (or not) when someone passes is OK and know that it can change tomorrow or in an hour or maybe never.
I am sorry for your Uncle's passing.
And he's gone. Just like that. Less than 12 hours after I found out he is dying from cancer, he is gone. Even now, there are no emotions attached. It just is.
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