More Random Thoughts

So many things running through my head. Not sure where to start, or what to expand on and what to skim through. I'm afraid this is going to be very hit or miss. I'm having a bit of trouble organizing my thoughts today....

On suicide: A while ago, read a quote from the blog of a psychologist who said he would tell a client (why don't they just say patient??? I know I'm a patient. He knows I'm a patient. Everyone knows I'm a patient. Just call a spade a spade!) He would tell a suicidal client that once they are not depressed any more, not in pain any more, he won't stop them from trying to kill themselves. The couple of people I told about it seemed to find that amusing so perhaps it was said tongue-in-cheek. But I thought it had some profound wisdom in it. Most people who are suicidal don't necessarily want to die. They want to stop hurting, stop feeling helpless and hopeless. Putting it the way he did put the emphasis on making things better and not on telling the person what they want is wrong.

Side Note: I just went to look up the exact quote from ShrinkTalk.net and found I had it rather wrong. The gist is the same but the details are different. Read the post. I found it while reading everything on the site that I could find as I fell instantly in love with this guy's style.

Don't Ask, Don't Tell: I'm not speaking of military policy but rather a policy that seems to be part of the fabric of my being. When people ask me how I am doing, I come as close to lying as anything in my life. My standard response is, "So far, so good." It doesn't matter if I've been carrying my pill bottles in my pocket or am wearing a genuine smile. I do my best to make everyone think that everything is just fine.

And for most people I deal with, this is a good thing. I let loose here on my blog. I talk to some people online though even then I rarely let people all the way in. I'm not sure why. Even the people who sincerely want to know the truth, and even the ones who can truly handle the truth - I can't or won't talk to them. With most people, this isn't a problem. But there are a few with whom this is a problem.

Hubby wants in. He wants to know what is going on with me. He doesn't understand. He doesn't know. He knows about my SV but not the whole truth, not completely. He knows I had issues as a kid but I don't think he knows the whole truth, not completely. He's been here with me through thick and thin, for 16 years, since we were just kids ourselves. That has to say something for the strength of his love. And yet I cannot talk to him. Even when I try, I open my mouth and nothing comes out. I don't fully understand this.

The other time this is a big issue is with The Shrink. I mean, come on! This is what I pay him for. This is the whole point of therapy - to talk through issues and find some resolution to them. And yet I will dodge him when he approaches certain topics. Or I will get so embarrassed that I can't talk about the issue. Often I get so nervous, I never even bring the topic up. And it's not like I don't trust him. Maybe it has to do with approval-seeking but even that doesn't make complete sense - how often does he have to tell me that he likes me regardless and that nothing I could tell him would make him agree with me that I am a far cry from good? I swear he has to tell me that, or some variation thereof, almost every time. I'm getting better with him but but am nowhere near being open with him. And I don't get it.

On catastrophizing: The Shrink accused me today of catastrophizing about Hubby and Baby-Mommy. He said I am just paralyzing myself with hopelessness and pain when nothing has even happened yet. It is the 'yet' that got to me. He reminded me that knowledge is power and instead of feeling hopeless and devastated over a potential situation that isn't even a sure thing. 'You're sitting in the cat-bird seat,' he said to me - whatever that means. So on one hand he is telling me that I need to worry about this and take steps to prevent it - that having them mad at each other is actually a preferable to state to them getting along. On the other hand, he is telling me not to worry so much about it because I am just paralyzing myself. Jeez doc! Make up your mind!!

On medications: I think the side-effects from the Lexapro are easing off. I didn't feel nearly so shivering-shaky today, though I didn't get a nap which is when I felt the shakiest so who knows. Still felt just as tired but bleh...

On schedules: Kid-2 is already doing choir and gymnastics. She wants to add Poms (cross between cheerleading and dance). And now she is going out for the school play. Do I let her do it all so long as she can keep up her grades and not seem too tired and stuff? Kid-1 is doing football and boy scouts - his schedule is way reduced this year and it seems weird. But he is also planning on helping with the play so we will see. Kid-3 is doing cub scouts, choir, gymnastics and baseball. But I don't think he'll be overloaded because those are all single night activities. And Kid-4 is doing gymnastics and cub scouts as well. I don't think he'll be overloaded but I have no intention of involving him in anything else at this point - he isn't even 7 yet!

On roommates: Baby-Mommy has pushed back the move-in date to mid-September. She has to be out by the 20th so we are looking at the 13th-14th of September. She is still trying to sell the couch and chair so that she can afford the storage unit for the rest. I am trying to sell Kid-3's loft and Kid-4's car bed to be able to get them a set of real bunkbeds. The set I really want is totally out of the question because of price but it is so cool! That's okay, they'll do fine with traditional bunks. In addition, I have the constant buzz of worry about cleaning up their rooms enough to even make the move.

On blogging: It's amazing how things change. I've never blogged for an audience before. Honestly, I still don't. I blog to work through things in my head or to put them down on 'paper' and shove them away from me into cyberspace. It still seems strange to me that people take the time and effort to come read my words. I feel honored - I'm not used to this kind of support. And I take it as a sign that I am doing that I am willing and able to keep being honest even though I know some people will reading it. A year ago (is that when? *scratches head* I shut down my blog and moved it here because someone I knew found it and I was afraid he had or would read it.

Some things don't change though. I go in spurts. I will go a week without saying anything and then put up 3 or 4 posts in a single day. Sometimes it's because I don't have the energy to post. Other times it's all about time. It's also been known to be because nothing has changed and I have nothing further to add. And sometimes it's because I just didn't want to. Then I will suddenly get on a spurt and start churning them out. My mind kicks back up and wants to evaluate, analyze and sometimes expel. And I'm okay with that. What can I say - I've never been known for sticking to a predictable schedule...