Maybe this is who I really am. When Kid-1 is stable on his medications he is a totally different person than without it. Without his medications, Hubby is miserable and shares it. I know so many people who are returned to who they used to be by taking the proper medications.
But I don't know who I used to be. For as long as I can remember, I've fought with demons that are depressive symptoms. Maybe that's just who I am. Pessimistic, scared, lazy, tired, antisocial...
I feel like I am getting the message from all sides that if I just tried hard enough, I would be fine. Medication isn't the answer - it's all about changing my thoughts. I actually feel like taking these meds makes people think ill of me, not because it's stigmatizing in a 'omg - you're crazy!' kinda of way. But in a 'omg - you still believe in that quackery? just try harder!' kind of way.
But in reality, without these medications, I don't function too well. The Seroquel not only keeps things much more tame inside my head, it also keeps me out of psychosis - not 'you're psycho' psychosis but 'no, there really aren't guys in black cars trying to kidnap your children' psychosis. The Welbutrin seems to have lifted my mood from a 1 to a 4, which is saying something. And yet since I'm not 'poof all better' I am criticized for holding out hope that somewhere there is a cocktail of medications that will lift the heavy wet blanket from my soul enough for me to work through the issues in my life.
But...
Maybe that wet, heavy blanket isn't depression at all. Maybe that's just who I am. I mean, no one tries to medicate Eeyore or put him in therapy. Then again, Eeyore is happy being pessimistic. I'm not happy being miserable. My grandmother was one of those people who was happier when she was miserable. She had a bad attitude and no desire change it. I do want to change, but maybe there's no illness to treat, just a pain in the ass person.
Why bother? (Eeyore)
The worst jokes I have ever written
14 years ago
3 comments:
I feel like I am getting the message from all sides that if I just tried hard enough, I would be fine"
I often feel as if this is the message out there too - but you know what? This message only comes from those people who walk around in life with a perpetual "I have sunshine coming out of my a$$" persona. It drives me nuts frankly. I have tried going off my medication and frankly I dislike that person. So if the meds make us feel, happier, more stable, able to cope, then I am all for them. Sometimes cognitive behavior can only get us so far - chemical imbalances happen - and medication is good when appropriate. I would say coming up to a 4 from a 1 would be enough of a reason for me to keep taking meds no matter what anyone else says.
Good luck!
I also get the mesagge from peple that I need to try harder, exercise eat right, want to change etc. Those people do NOT understand what it is like to have depression, especially severe, or chronic depression.
There is never anything in your blog posts, or your comments to others that would indicate to me you are an Eeyore type personality.
Depression is brutal, it takes away your ability to motivate yourself, to try, to change...it is difficult most of the time just surviving.
You and I are at a similar impasse. I'd say my mood has lifted from a 1/2 to a 3/4 (and sometimes 5)...which is better, but still to me, unacceptable. It sounds like we both have treatment resistant depression...it is so hard to manage and treat, but let's both keep trying and ignore the people who have no idea what it's like to be us with our illness.
My name is Richard Elmore and i would like to show you my personal experience with Seroquel.
I am 17 years old. Have been on Seroquel for 1.5 years now. I am currently trying to come off it, but my anexiety has been through the roof, and even 2mg of extended release xanax isnt working
I have experienced some of these side effects-
the biggest one is weight gain, i have to take at least 600mg at bed time for it to work.
I hope this information will be useful to others,
Richard Elmore
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