Say What You Mean And Mean What You Say

I've always been truly awful at the first part of this and surprisingly bad at the second. For someone who doesn't lie, I have a knack for not meaning what people think I mean. Usually this comes in the form of saying something sarcastically that I actually mean. But I don't have a problem with that part. At least then I'm saying it, getting it out there and off of me, even if it's not taken seriously because I won't let people see that I mean it. And saying partial things helps make it easier to hold the rest in.

But sometimes all the things I don't say kinda build up on me. Supposedly that's what this blog is for - to get rid of those things, push them out into cyberspace where they can't suffocate me anymore. And yet sometimes I still can't say them, even without the judgement and hurt feelings that putting them here would save me.

So here I go... it's purge time.

Lately, I resent watching Baby. I can't really explain it because I (literally) ask to watch her and I love spending time with her and it's a wonderful feeling to be able to help Baby-Mommy. But sometimes, like tonight, I just feel irritated at having to do it. I'm the one who volunteered - earlier in the week - and I certainly understand her wanting to go out with her man. Well, I didn't volunteer. She asked and I said yeah, sure no problem. But when she called earlier to remind me, I just wanted to tell her off. "No, I don't want to watch her! I watch her every single day and even though it's only for a few hours, it's still every single day. And you don't have the MONEY go out on the town. You gave me some money yesterday (when you made us late for Kid-2's recital) but not as much as I've given you recently. And no, I don't resent giving you the money and I don't care if you ever give it back or not, but it feels disrespectful for you to go out playing cards, leaving me with the baby, when you are on such thin ice already."

In thinking about why I feel so irritated, I wonder if I am jealous. We can't just pick up and go out anymore, haven't been able to for a long time. People say they are willing to help, but when it comes down to it, they aren't available when we are, which admittedly isn't very often. And maybe I'm jealous because she wants to go out and I struggle to find the energy just to get up in the morning.

Which brings me to the next thing I haven't been saying, and I hope saying it now doesn't cause me more grief than saying nothing. It's two thirds of the way through June and I haven't had a breakdown. In fact, everyone is so proud of me for how well I've done this time around. I wonder how many of them would be surprised to find out I'm not doing half so well as I've let on, even to the closest of my friends. Oh, I'm doing better than last year as far as behaving myself. Hell, I'm still here! LOL But the biggest thing that I am doing better on is perfecting my projection to the world. It seems, to most people (if not everyone) that I rode this roller coaster with some degree of success this year. I made sure they saw some of the downs (a couple times I couldn't pull it up and higher for them!) but by and large, I kept my chin up and held my own.

It's very hard, keeping up a face that says I'm okay, really, stop worrying! when all I want to do is die. But that's what I need to do. The people in my life want me to be happy, not just for me, but for them. My kids don't deserve a mother that has given up on finding purpose in life. Hubby doesn't want a wife that would rather sleep than breathe. Baby-Mommy needs a good influence for Baby and a steady hand to pull her up when she's down. Certainly the parents and the in-laws don't need the additional stress of worrying about me. And no one wants to deal with someone whose instinctual reaction to everything is pessimistic and self-deprecating. So that is what I am doing my best to give them, a strong person who is coping just fine, if not actually thriving. I learned the right things to say and do and, as often as possible, I say and do them. When not possible, I dodge, which I have also gotten quite good at.

I'm trapped here, you see. My whole life, I had an exit strategy. All I had to do was find the right mixture of the right drugs to set me free from this life. And I found it, finally. Only to discover that I can't use it. The amount of damage that I would do to the people I love holds me hostage. I'm already doing a very fine job of ruining their lives without creating a hole in their souls that can never heal. I used to think that the pain of my death would heal faster than the ongoing wounds I inflict perpetually. Apparently not and I really don't want to destroy them. So we have yet another example in this confusing world of doing the right thing for the wrong reasons. But at the least the right thing is what's getting done, yes?

One reason for not talking to people is to avoid the incessant pep talks. The Shrink is always encouraging me to feel the emotions I have rather than running from them, pushing them away, or trying to make them something else. But no one likes to see someone else suffering or unhappy so if I express any of these feelings that I would normally stifle, I get all sorts of talks on how everything is going to be fine and I can handle whatever comes my way and I have all this help and........ yeah - whatever.

For example, this train stuff with Hubby. So far, the ONLY person to have the reaction I actually wanted to hear is the Shrink. I have been hearing one of two things every step of the way. Either, "This is a great opportunity. You should be happy about it." or, from those who know me a little better, "I know this is going to be different and maybe even hard, but you can do it, I know you can!" When all I wanted to hear is, "Wow, this must be scary for you. It's okay to be scared, just don't let it hold you back." I don't need convincing of why and how I'll be fine and am strong enough and all the good things about it. I already know that stuff! Don't tell how it's going to be okay despite the negatives, I already know that. Just tell me it's okay to feel however I feel, even when it's over-the-top. (I just went into a more detailed explanation, but I had an aha in the middle of it so I'm going to save that for another post.)