Get Out of My Head!

I web-surf... a lot. And in the process, I stumble across some things that are really weird, bizarre, and unbelievable. On the other hand, I also find things that feel like someone has reached inside my head and pulled out my feelings to splash across the screen. (I'm picturing the silvery memory things from Harry Potter...) I was reading a book review while doing my research on grief. The book looks fascinating and I am going to see if the local library has a copy of it. It is called "Bodily Harm (The Breakthrough Healing Program for Self-Injurers)"
While I have absolutely no idea if the book is worth the paper it is printed on, one thing stood out from the review that seemed as if someone looked at my soul and out it on the screen before me...

How will you know I'm hurting
If you cannot see my pain?
To wear it on my body
Tells what words cannot explain.
- C. Blount

The audience that the "you" refers to, in my case, is myself, or at least the part of me that tries to pretend I'm not hurting. I hate it when people assume that self-harm behaviors are automatically attention seeking activities. I'm sure it's true in some cases but certainly not in others. I go out of my way to keep from getting busted after doing something like this. It's much more about making the outsides match the insides.

Not sure if I already wrote about this, but The Shrink and I had a talk about this concept. He likened me saying that to someone with anorexia and the whole body dysmorphic stuff, except mentally. He said that I see myself as evil when I'm not and that no amount of facts have been able to persuade me otherwise. I think that sounds naive, flattering, but naive. He doesn't see inside my head. So he doesn't know how I really am. And I don't know how to turn it into words. How do you describe a darkness of the soul that is counteracted enough to give the appearance of being a quasi-decent person? Despite my writing aspirations, I don't know how to make him see my ever-present Shadow.