The Big Blue Blob

I posted last time (among other things) about being tired of the reactions others have to me when I express negative opinions, especially fear. I keep getting these pep talks where people tell me all the ways it's going to be good or all the reasons why I'll be/do just fine. And I already know that stuff. I don't want them to cheer me up. I want to hear, "Wow, you must be really scared. Don't let it stop you though." Instead of "I know you're scared but I have confidence in you because of......"

What I have just realized is that there is often a disconnect between my thoughts and my feelings. I know the upsides (and the downsides). Separately, I feel the way I feel. And even when I know things are going to be okay, I may still feel like my world is going to fall apart. And, especially at first, I can't force the two to naturally line up. The harder I fight myself and tell myself not to feel the emotions prior to changing my mind, the harder it is for me to actually feel (rather than fake) the new perspective.

People really do want to help. We like cause and effect, it gives us a sense of control. (I saw the coolest experiment on humans, superstition, and cause & effect HERE!!) So we like to think that if we do Action-X it will cause Reaction-X. I think that most people know instinctively, on some level, that we can't change other people's feelings. So we try to change their thoughts in the hopes that it will automatically change their feelings. As a result, if I express a negative emotion, and they want to help me feel better, they will try to give me good things to think about. Logically, if I think good things, I will feel good, right? Uh..... or not.

What I want more than anything, in regards to almost everything, is to know that no matter how I feel, it's okay to feel that way. Even if I'm hurting, even if I'm over-reacting, even if I feel like no one has ever felt like this before (when I know they have!), even when I'm being stupid... just tell me it's okay to feel like that. Then you can remind me not to let the feelings stand in my way. But really? I know that part. I know all the positive sides and benefits and everything. What I keep forgetting is that it's okay to feel like my world is going to end, even if my world isn't going to end.

The Shrink tells me this all the time. It just took me a long time to figure out what he was saying. He kept saying, "Just sit with it. You don't have to act on it, but just sit with it." I would imagine myself sitting on the couch with this big blue, amorphous blob sitting on the other end of the couch and the two of us making small talk. And the image never quite gelled for me. What he means is let myself feel however I feel then do what needs to be done anyways. And he's probably even said it that way before but what they say about not being able to learn something until you are ready to learn it is absolutely true.

Moral of the story? Don't try to change my thinking - I already know the "right" thoughts. If you really want to help, have a seat on the couch beside me and the big blue blob, tell me he's really there, and wait until I tell him to leave before you tell me all the reasons he shouldn't be there. And if you're ever in doubt as to whether you're giving me a pep talk that I am tuning out, see if I'm arguing or debating with you or if I'm just agreeing with you. If I've gone into neutral and taken the passive position, I just want the conversation to end.

BUT... also know that I am aware you are just trying to help, I do appreciate it, and I don't get mad when I get pep talks, just very, very tired of them. *wink*