Mommy, What Did She Mean?

So Kid-2 and I are watching television and she's watching the show Summerland, a former WB show that, like most WB shows was geared towards the high school/young college-aged crowd. She was watching it because has Jesse McCartney is in it. Yes, maybe the show is a little over her head, but she's a bright kid and generally what she doesn't get she ignores or asks about.

Well, one of the characters has ended up pregnant unexpectedly and unintentionally. Okay, come on, this is the WB; I expected a miraculous miscarriage. Then she tells the boyfriend/father that she "called and [she] can come in tomorrow." And I couldn't help it. I closed my eyes and shook my head and buried myself in my computer. Unfortunately, Kid-2 is not just clever, she's observant, a bit protective of me, and looks to me for reactive clues on things she doesn't know about. So she caught my reaction and, not understanding it, asked. "Mommy, what did she mean: she can come in tomorrow at 11?"

Cue panic.

After I closed my mouth (several seconds later) I realized I had to tell her something. But what??? So I asked her if she knew what options a girl has when she gets pregnant. She said they can do nothing and let the baby grow and have the baby or they can "make the baby stop". And I said the character was talking about the second of those options. She said, "oh" and went back to watching like nothing had happened.

I totally blew a teachable moment there. We could have had this great discussion on values and teen pregnancy and all that stuff and I totally locked up. BUT... I didn't run away. I stayed here and I answered her question as best I could and I DIDN'T LEAVE. So....... I guess I did adequately though not as good as I could or should have.

Hello Dad, I'm in Jail

Kid-1 stayed the night at his friend's house last night. This is the brother of Kid-2's best friend and we are also good friends with their parents (to the point that we are going on vacation with them, among others, in July if Hubby doesn't go to Atlanta). So the father comes over this morning (well, noonish) and talks to Hubby and, to make a long story short, all the evidence points that Kid-1 stole $2 off their computer desk last night. (The facts are not in dispute here.) So Hubby called Kid-1 home and confronted him about it. He denied it. Hubby had him empty his pockets. No money. Hubby asked if he could check his pockets. Kid-1 turned out first one pocket, then the other and as he turned out the second one, he tried to palm the two $1 bills from it. Still Kid-1 denied taking the money. He swore he found the money in their hallway on the floor and intended to give it to them but forgot.

Hubby brought him upstairs to me. He laid out the facts and the chain of events. I asked Kid-1 if he was ready to tell me the truth. He went into a patented Kid-1 tantrum, professing his innocence and that he hadn't stolen the money. (Mind you, there was NO doubt as to his guilt.) It took half an hour to get him to admit that yes, he had taken the money, knowing full-well what he was doing, and then lied and tried to cover it up.

In the end, he had to go down and return the money and apologize for stealing it. He will not be permitted to volunteer at the library this summer like he had wanted and he is grounded. The grounding is for the lying. It is for one week (not counting the 4th of July because it isn't fair to everyone else) and he will do nothing but go to school, do his jobs and stay in his room. I will consider "time off for good behavior" in the form of being allowed to come downstairs in exchange for doing extra chores.

He was quite upset about it all. We laid on the guilt thick and heavy. I hope it finally sinks in and makes an impact. I love him no matter what but I do NOT want him to be stealing or lying or lying about stealing. It is sooooo not okay.

And, true to form, I showed my selfish core. Though I didn't say it to him, I have to confess that I am embarrassed that *my* son would steal and lie like this. All I could think about is the quasi-song "Hello Dad, I'm in Jail!" that I heard a million years ago. I feel like his behavior is a direct reflection on me as a parent and I have totally failed. If he is lying and stealing at not quite 13 - what will he be doing at 22??? How could I have failed him so completely as to end up in this situation? This is horrible!

TheSV is on the Fence

A friend of mine has just restarted writing. I'm very excited about this as that is how we first met... through an online writing group. But she had some hellish RL stuff happen and she stopped. You can only push a person so far when it comes to writing and she just wasn't there so I let her be. Well, she's coming back. So she created a blog and the first thing she posted was a commentary on a political piece she read and identified with. It was about what a conservative is and has tons of statements of things that conservatives believe.

After she posted it, she made the comment to me that she knows how I feel about politics so she didn't know if I would agree or not. I asked her what she meant by that. I wondered if she thought that I had such strong opinions about this stuff that I would be incapable of discussing it with her. Or did she mean that she had no idea whether I would agree with the article or disagree with it? So I asked her what she meant and she said that I either don't have or don't express my views on politics so she didn't know what my reaction to her post would be.

And she's right. I don't talk politics with people. Or religion. Or controversial topics. To some people, I won't even share opinions on books and movies. It's not really that I don't have opinions on those things. Mostly I do know what I like and don't like, do and don't approve of, and do and don't believe. But there is no way in hell that I am going to open myself up to judgements and criticisms and attacks on my beliefs just because they aren't the same as the person I am talking with.

And so I try to know enough about each thing that I can appear to believe the same thing as the speaker without actually saying that I agree or disagree. I can carry on conversations with die-hard democrats as easily as die-hard republicans. I can have an intelligent discussion with anyone from Baptists to Catholics to Jews to Pagans to Wiccans and everything in between. (Not sure I could pull off Muslim, though. Not because I am against it or anything but just because I don't know much about it. I should put that on my To Do List of things to learn...)

The point is, I sit on the fence for almost everything. Or at the very least, I give that impression to everyone. There are VERY few things I will actually make a public statement for or against and even then only in certain company. I like to think that a huge part of it is that I don't judge others for their beliefs. But I think more of it is that I am a chicken to the core...

(BTW - down at the bottom of my page is one of the few things I've publicly come off the fence about....)

Is My Hut Burning?

From an email I received...

The only survivor of a shipwreck was washed up on a small, uninhabited island. He prayed feverishly for God to rescue him. Every day he scanned the horizon for help, but none seemed forthcoming. Exhausted, he eventually managed to build a little hut out of driftwood to protect him from the elements, and to store his few possessions. One day, after scavenging for food, he arrived home to find his little hut in flames, with smoke rolling up to the sky. He felt the worst had happened, and everything was lost. He was stunned with disbelief, grief, and anger.

He cried out, 'God! How could you do this to me?'

Early the next day, he was awakened by the sound of a ship approaching the island! It had come to rescue him! 'How did you know I was here?' asked the weary man of his rescuers.

'We saw your smoke signal, ' they replied.

The Moral of This Story:
It's easy to get discouraged when things are going bad, but we shouldn't lose heart, because God is at work in our lives, even in the midst of our pain and suffering. Remember that the next time your little hut seems to be burning to the ground. It just may be a smoke signal that summons the Grace of God.

Sometimes I think God is all about testing - or torturing - people. Other times I think we just have lessons to learn and are given opportunities to do so. I am often reminded of the joke about the flood. Remember that one?

Once there was a great flood and the town was being evacuated as the water rose. There were announcements all over and one neighbor was speaking to another, asking him about his evacuation plans.

"Oh, I'm not leaving," he told his friend. "My God will save me."

The water rose and the streets were impassable. A man in a row boat came by and called to the man still in his house. "Come with us! We'll take you to safety!"

But the man wouldn't go. "My God will save me!" he said and the rowboat passed on by.

The water continued to rise and the man moved to the upstairs level of his house. Another boat came by and offered assistance. Again the man refused, saying, "Oh no, I'm not leaving! My God will save me." And the boat passed by.

Still the water rose until the man was forced out onto his roof. One more boat came through and strongly urged him to leave with them. But still the man refused. "Oh no," he said. "My God will save me!" Frustrated, the boat left.

The water was pooling around the man's feet when the helicopter flew over. "Come aboard and we will take you to safety!" The man refused. "Come with us now or you WILL DROWN!"

The man was adamant. "My God will save me!" And he refused to go.

The floodwaters rose and the man drown. He stood before God in Heaven and asked Him, "God! Why didn't You save me? I had complete faith in You and You let me drown!"

To which God replied, "I sent three rowboats and a helicopter! What more did you want???"

The thing is... I don't know how to tell if God is sending me rowboats or creating smoke signals. Is He creating situations for me to learn to help myself or trying to show me that He has a master plan if I would just chill out and let it unfold?

This train job... this is such a case of sink or swim. This is either going to prove to myself and the world that I CAN do this, or it is going to break me. I predict one of three reactions. I will either grown and become strong, learn some independence and thrive in the new situation... or I will crash and burn completely... or I will burn on the inside while appearing to be holding together because I can't afford to fall apart. Everyone is predicting that I will grow and thrive. Fear and irrational panic are telling me I am going to crash and burn. Internal consensus, silently to the rest of the world, is that I will give a great show of it and few, if anyone, will know otherwise. I don't know if this is my hut burning or if I should be taking the rowboats that are passing by...

Get Out of My Head!

I web-surf... a lot. And in the process, I stumble across some things that are really weird, bizarre, and unbelievable. On the other hand, I also find things that feel like someone has reached inside my head and pulled out my feelings to splash across the screen. (I'm picturing the silvery memory things from Harry Potter...) I was reading a book review while doing my research on grief. The book looks fascinating and I am going to see if the local library has a copy of it. It is called "Bodily Harm (The Breakthrough Healing Program for Self-Injurers)"
While I have absolutely no idea if the book is worth the paper it is printed on, one thing stood out from the review that seemed as if someone looked at my soul and out it on the screen before me...

How will you know I'm hurting
If you cannot see my pain?
To wear it on my body
Tells what words cannot explain.
- C. Blount

The audience that the "you" refers to, in my case, is myself, or at least the part of me that tries to pretend I'm not hurting. I hate it when people assume that self-harm behaviors are automatically attention seeking activities. I'm sure it's true in some cases but certainly not in others. I go out of my way to keep from getting busted after doing something like this. It's much more about making the outsides match the insides.

Not sure if I already wrote about this, but The Shrink and I had a talk about this concept. He likened me saying that to someone with anorexia and the whole body dysmorphic stuff, except mentally. He said that I see myself as evil when I'm not and that no amount of facts have been able to persuade me otherwise. I think that sounds naive, flattering, but naive. He doesn't see inside my head. So he doesn't know how I really am. And I don't know how to turn it into words. How do you describe a darkness of the soul that is counteracted enough to give the appearance of being a quasi-decent person? Despite my writing aspirations, I don't know how to make him see my ever-present Shadow.

Time for a Fun Break!

Okay, here is a meme. I don't normally do things like these but this caught my eye and I'm in the mood. I got it from Aqua who got it from HBW. Cheers to them both! Here's my take:

What kind of monster would you be? Vashta Nerada

Do you have a crush on a celebrity of the same sex and if so who? crush? no, not really. but i am trying to negotiate a long-term lease of my soul in exchange for angelina jolie's body. (not willing to SELL my soul, but a long-term lease would be a viable option... *evil grin*)

What do you collect--if anything? Books, specifically hardback classics, all Tolkien material and all Stephen King publications. I also "collect" headshots for my fiction-writing "gallery" of character images. I never use them publicly but when I am creating character profiles, I go through them looking for just the right image to fit my character. It's hard to find images of everyday people so if anyone has suggestions, I'm open to them ;-)

Do you have a favorite artist? (Painter. You can name more than one): okay, i confess, i am art history illiterate. my 6 year old son knows more about art history than i do. (literally! he was telling me about Van Gough and Starry Night!!) so i guess my favorite painters would be (hands down) - MY KIDS!

Do you have a habit and if so what? Yikes! Pick just one? Okay, I am most known for bouncing my leg rapidly or rocking back and forth - both when I am nervous or intimidated.

Overall, do you prefer the city or being near nature and the outdoors? City, preferably busy suburbs. I am allergic to direct exposure to nature and my idea of "roughing it" is a hotel without room service!

If you couldn't live in your current country then what country would be choose to live in? The UK somewhere. England, Scotland and Ireland all have a huge draw for me that I can't logically explain. I suspect it has to do with past lives. (*keeps a straight face*)

Would you like to be famous? NO WAY. NO HOW. NUH UH. NOT EVER EVER EVER!! People would LOOK at me! They would judge me and say things about me and scrutinize my behavior. I'd rather die. I am all about invisibility...

Are you punctual or always late? Late but with great guilt over it. I HATE being late. I would MUCH rather have to wait for someone than have them have to wait for me. And yet I always seem to be running late... *deep sigh*

Where do you find the most peace? That's tough as I don't do "peace" very well. Probably curled up on my end of the couch with a good movie on the television, a good book in my hand, good music on my computer and having a good conversation with a friend via IM.... after my family has gone to bed.

What three foreign languages would you like to learn most (you can choose one or two if you prefer)? French, Spanish and Latin.

Would you travel into space if you had the chance? Only if I can get "beamed up" - space would be cool but getting there is sooooo not my style!

Speaking of all these questions, what is the question that you hate the most? it's a tie. either: "But Mooooooooom! Why noooooooooot?!" (especially when accompanied by Kid-1's trademark "aahuuuggghhhh!") or: "What's wrong?" (especially when accompanied by the phrase "Talk to me.")

20 Minutes

I've spent all week researching psychological background for a new story and had a heck of a time getting anywhere. Yesterday I finally got my hands on a book that looks like it will be invaluable but it still hasn't answered the vast majority of the questions I have and no single book is going to be able to tell me if my overall concept is viable from a reality stand-point. After everything, I still had a list of 5 critical questions that I could neither find the answers for nor have any idea where else to look.

The Shrink graciously let me bounce the questions off of him though and in a mere 20 minutes I got all of them answered, brainstormed solutions to a few other issues, solidified motives and thought patterns that I had been guessing at and got all excited about the project (more so than I already was)!

So I got to thinking about how he was able to answer everything I threw at him in 20 minutes. And I know that this is his area of specialty and he does have years of years of experience on these matters but I got to wondering how much of this knowledge he was able to just learn.

Oh, how I want to know these things! I want to understand how people think and why and what can be done to encourage or discourage these things. I want to be able to look at a situation and have an idea of what motives are behind them, what kind of thoughts and rationales. I wanna know all this stuff!

So how can I learn about it? Oh, what I would give to have a trained mentor in this stuff to talk about things and bounce ideas and learn from... Wonder if I can buy a my-friend-the-shrink at Walmart? :P

Seriously, though... how does one make friends with people who share the same interests - in the real world? Outside of cyber-space, I don't know anyone (that I don't have to pay by the hour) who shares any of my interests. Baby-Mommy kinda a few of them a little, but guess where I met her??? Cyber-space. :-(

The Big Blue Blob

I posted last time (among other things) about being tired of the reactions others have to me when I express negative opinions, especially fear. I keep getting these pep talks where people tell me all the ways it's going to be good or all the reasons why I'll be/do just fine. And I already know that stuff. I don't want them to cheer me up. I want to hear, "Wow, you must be really scared. Don't let it stop you though." Instead of "I know you're scared but I have confidence in you because of......"

What I have just realized is that there is often a disconnect between my thoughts and my feelings. I know the upsides (and the downsides). Separately, I feel the way I feel. And even when I know things are going to be okay, I may still feel like my world is going to fall apart. And, especially at first, I can't force the two to naturally line up. The harder I fight myself and tell myself not to feel the emotions prior to changing my mind, the harder it is for me to actually feel (rather than fake) the new perspective.

People really do want to help. We like cause and effect, it gives us a sense of control. (I saw the coolest experiment on humans, superstition, and cause & effect HERE!!) So we like to think that if we do Action-X it will cause Reaction-X. I think that most people know instinctively, on some level, that we can't change other people's feelings. So we try to change their thoughts in the hopes that it will automatically change their feelings. As a result, if I express a negative emotion, and they want to help me feel better, they will try to give me good things to think about. Logically, if I think good things, I will feel good, right? Uh..... or not.

What I want more than anything, in regards to almost everything, is to know that no matter how I feel, it's okay to feel that way. Even if I'm hurting, even if I'm over-reacting, even if I feel like no one has ever felt like this before (when I know they have!), even when I'm being stupid... just tell me it's okay to feel like that. Then you can remind me not to let the feelings stand in my way. But really? I know that part. I know all the positive sides and benefits and everything. What I keep forgetting is that it's okay to feel like my world is going to end, even if my world isn't going to end.

The Shrink tells me this all the time. It just took me a long time to figure out what he was saying. He kept saying, "Just sit with it. You don't have to act on it, but just sit with it." I would imagine myself sitting on the couch with this big blue, amorphous blob sitting on the other end of the couch and the two of us making small talk. And the image never quite gelled for me. What he means is let myself feel however I feel then do what needs to be done anyways. And he's probably even said it that way before but what they say about not being able to learn something until you are ready to learn it is absolutely true.

Moral of the story? Don't try to change my thinking - I already know the "right" thoughts. If you really want to help, have a seat on the couch beside me and the big blue blob, tell me he's really there, and wait until I tell him to leave before you tell me all the reasons he shouldn't be there. And if you're ever in doubt as to whether you're giving me a pep talk that I am tuning out, see if I'm arguing or debating with you or if I'm just agreeing with you. If I've gone into neutral and taken the passive position, I just want the conversation to end.

BUT... also know that I am aware you are just trying to help, I do appreciate it, and I don't get mad when I get pep talks, just very, very tired of them. *wink*

Say What You Mean And Mean What You Say

I've always been truly awful at the first part of this and surprisingly bad at the second. For someone who doesn't lie, I have a knack for not meaning what people think I mean. Usually this comes in the form of saying something sarcastically that I actually mean. But I don't have a problem with that part. At least then I'm saying it, getting it out there and off of me, even if it's not taken seriously because I won't let people see that I mean it. And saying partial things helps make it easier to hold the rest in.

But sometimes all the things I don't say kinda build up on me. Supposedly that's what this blog is for - to get rid of those things, push them out into cyberspace where they can't suffocate me anymore. And yet sometimes I still can't say them, even without the judgement and hurt feelings that putting them here would save me.

So here I go... it's purge time.

Lately, I resent watching Baby. I can't really explain it because I (literally) ask to watch her and I love spending time with her and it's a wonderful feeling to be able to help Baby-Mommy. But sometimes, like tonight, I just feel irritated at having to do it. I'm the one who volunteered - earlier in the week - and I certainly understand her wanting to go out with her man. Well, I didn't volunteer. She asked and I said yeah, sure no problem. But when she called earlier to remind me, I just wanted to tell her off. "No, I don't want to watch her! I watch her every single day and even though it's only for a few hours, it's still every single day. And you don't have the MONEY go out on the town. You gave me some money yesterday (when you made us late for Kid-2's recital) but not as much as I've given you recently. And no, I don't resent giving you the money and I don't care if you ever give it back or not, but it feels disrespectful for you to go out playing cards, leaving me with the baby, when you are on such thin ice already."

In thinking about why I feel so irritated, I wonder if I am jealous. We can't just pick up and go out anymore, haven't been able to for a long time. People say they are willing to help, but when it comes down to it, they aren't available when we are, which admittedly isn't very often. And maybe I'm jealous because she wants to go out and I struggle to find the energy just to get up in the morning.

Which brings me to the next thing I haven't been saying, and I hope saying it now doesn't cause me more grief than saying nothing. It's two thirds of the way through June and I haven't had a breakdown. In fact, everyone is so proud of me for how well I've done this time around. I wonder how many of them would be surprised to find out I'm not doing half so well as I've let on, even to the closest of my friends. Oh, I'm doing better than last year as far as behaving myself. Hell, I'm still here! LOL But the biggest thing that I am doing better on is perfecting my projection to the world. It seems, to most people (if not everyone) that I rode this roller coaster with some degree of success this year. I made sure they saw some of the downs (a couple times I couldn't pull it up and higher for them!) but by and large, I kept my chin up and held my own.

It's very hard, keeping up a face that says I'm okay, really, stop worrying! when all I want to do is die. But that's what I need to do. The people in my life want me to be happy, not just for me, but for them. My kids don't deserve a mother that has given up on finding purpose in life. Hubby doesn't want a wife that would rather sleep than breathe. Baby-Mommy needs a good influence for Baby and a steady hand to pull her up when she's down. Certainly the parents and the in-laws don't need the additional stress of worrying about me. And no one wants to deal with someone whose instinctual reaction to everything is pessimistic and self-deprecating. So that is what I am doing my best to give them, a strong person who is coping just fine, if not actually thriving. I learned the right things to say and do and, as often as possible, I say and do them. When not possible, I dodge, which I have also gotten quite good at.

I'm trapped here, you see. My whole life, I had an exit strategy. All I had to do was find the right mixture of the right drugs to set me free from this life. And I found it, finally. Only to discover that I can't use it. The amount of damage that I would do to the people I love holds me hostage. I'm already doing a very fine job of ruining their lives without creating a hole in their souls that can never heal. I used to think that the pain of my death would heal faster than the ongoing wounds I inflict perpetually. Apparently not and I really don't want to destroy them. So we have yet another example in this confusing world of doing the right thing for the wrong reasons. But at the least the right thing is what's getting done, yes?

One reason for not talking to people is to avoid the incessant pep talks. The Shrink is always encouraging me to feel the emotions I have rather than running from them, pushing them away, or trying to make them something else. But no one likes to see someone else suffering or unhappy so if I express any of these feelings that I would normally stifle, I get all sorts of talks on how everything is going to be fine and I can handle whatever comes my way and I have all this help and........ yeah - whatever.

For example, this train stuff with Hubby. So far, the ONLY person to have the reaction I actually wanted to hear is the Shrink. I have been hearing one of two things every step of the way. Either, "This is a great opportunity. You should be happy about it." or, from those who know me a little better, "I know this is going to be different and maybe even hard, but you can do it, I know you can!" When all I wanted to hear is, "Wow, this must be scary for you. It's okay to be scared, just don't let it hold you back." I don't need convincing of why and how I'll be fine and am strong enough and all the good things about it. I already know that stuff! Don't tell how it's going to be okay despite the negatives, I already know that. Just tell me it's okay to feel however I feel, even when it's over-the-top. (I just went into a more detailed explanation, but I had an aha in the middle of it so I'm going to save that for another post.)

Thoughts Held in Mind...

... produce after their kind.

That's one phrase I was taught in Sunday school growing up. Basically it means what you think often enough becomes your reality. It's pretty much the self-fulfilling prophecy concept, only a little larger and a little more "divine". Not only do the things you believe are true become true and the things you expect to happen do happen, but even things that you repeat to yourself over and over have a way of coming into reality.

For example...

I have often been known to joke that the light at the end of my tunnel is an oncoming train. I just meant it as a joke and a reflection of my feelings that every time it looks like things are going to get better, it turns out another disaster is on its way. But I realized the other day that this railroad job of Hubby's could be the answer to our prayers. Because of it, a lot of things are going to be better. You know... things are looking up, the future seems a little brighter.

There is a light at the end of my tunnel and guess what... it really is a train!!

Here It Comes... (Part 2)

On the other hand....... if Hubby takes this job, there are a lot of really awesome things about it.

First and foremost is the pay. The wages are much higher with guaranteed raises every single year. We would be able to pay our bills!!

And we would have fewer bills because the health insurance is STELLAR. No deductible, low co-pays, everything is covered. It even has vision and dental! And it's a helluva lot cheaper for all that than for the cut-throat crap we have now that we will be losing next year.

Did I mention the money? *wink*

Then there's the retirement stuff. Not only does it have a 401K and that stuff, it has a pension. Hubby would be "fully vested" in it after only THREE YEARS. I have no idea what that means but I know it means he is then eligible for money once he retires. Not only will HE get a pension... so would *I* - a separate pension of my own (like 60-odd% of his) no matter what happens. Just three years and it's there. We would actually have retirement plans... whoa.

Money-wise this just can't be beat... but there are other things to consider.

Hubby would be gone for 6 weeks. Talk about a crash course in independence! I could grow so much in that time. I wouldn't be ABLE to hide behind him because he wouldn't be here. I would become my own master, doing things because I want/need them to get done rather than because he's going to be home in a couple hours. Six weeks of doing things how I think they should be done instead of how he says to do them. Six weeks of no pressure from him. Six weeks of no awful 80s movies. Six weeks of not worrying about making him mad or not doing things right. Six weeks of not being sent to a babysitter if everyone is going to be away. For six weeks, I would learn how to be an adult separate from him. I have been repeatedly told how wonderful this would be, how good it would be for me...

Did I mention the money? *wink*

Even after the 6 weeks, I would still have so much more (forced) independence. It would mostly be my show with Hubby there as often as he can be but gone 1/2 to 3/4 of the time (not counting sleeping time when he's at home). I wouldn't be able to slip back into my passive position even once he gets home.

Did I mention the money? *wink*

Maybe no Honda Homecoming. Sorry, this should be a negative but, well.... yeah.

Did I mention the money? *wink*

When he is home, it will be more special and he might be more fully here. We will have to reconnect as a couple in a way that we haven't really done in a long, long time. He might be more willing to spend quality time with the kids because he just won't have that much time.

Did I mention the money? *wink*

He will be able to come to more school things and daytime things. He may not be able to predict them, but when the time comes, he may actually be home. He could go to football games and chaperone field trips and help with school functions.

Did I mention the money? *wink*

This could be a toehold in to other areas of the railroad that he might like better. There are lots of jobs besides conductor and if he's already established he's got a much better chance.

Did I mention the money? *wink*

It's only three years until the pension thing. Just three years. We have had the talk numerous times about whether or not we could cope with one year of sheer hell in order to get everything our hearts desire. (Think Devil Wears Prada.) And we've said that we could. It would be worth it. True, this is three instead of one and not everything his heart desires but it would be really good for us financially. Is three years too much to ask for a secure retirement?

So.

The straight up money is excellent. The benefits can't be beat. Three years and we'd have retirement well on its way. I'd have the opportunity to become independent. The time we spend with Hubby might be better quality. Hubby could go to some school things. Hubby could get a better job through this. And, um... Did I mention the money? *wink*

Here It Comes... (Part 1)

Hubby got the call today from the railroad. He has been "selected for employment" but they couldn't tell him if it would be the July 6th departure date or the October 26th. They said "probably" not in July, but that the possibility was there and they wouldn't know until a few DAYS before the July date. He hasn't given them a definitive answer yet, but he didn't tell them no and so the assumption on their part is that it is a yes.

My official position on this is "No comment." Officially, I have turned it over to God and will let Him make the decision. He makes better decisions than I do anyways. I am not "hoping" one way or the other... what will be, will be. "No doubt it will all be cleared up in the morning." (LOTR, bk 1)

Unofficially, I am confused and scared. This job represents EVERYTHING that I am afraid of and uncomfortable with... everything.

It is unpredictable with no ability to plan ahead for schedules. He has 2 hours' notice to go to work: they call and he has 2 hours to get there. We can kind of guess when he'll be working based on the vague 36 hours out/12 hours home concept but that can't be relied upon nor planned more than a few days ahead................................................ I despise not being able to predict what is going to happen. I rehearse everything six million different ways to prepare for as many things as possible. I make Hubby call me on his way from work so I know when he will get here. I keep 2 different calendars plus reminders on my phone so that I know what is happening schedule-wise. I don't do unpredictable! It scares the hell out of me...

With him gone so much, everything falls on me. Cooking, cleaning, laundry, transportation, scheduling, bills, bedtimes, bathtimes, mornings, nights, school, meds, activities, reading, homework, friends, television... everything. I have to be prepared to cover them all but able to defer to him at any time if he is home and wants to do them. Basically speaking, I have to be able to be a single mother that has help whenever possible............................................... That is a LOT to do. I know people have said they are willing to help and I have no doubt I will have no trouble getting kids to their activities and getting people to attend special events. It is the house that scares me most. How am I going to keep up with everything? I can't keep up with it now, with him home. And chances are when he is home, he's going to need downtime and playtime. He isn't going to be up for cleaning and laundry and all the tedious things that I have such trouble with. I know the kids will help, but I can only ask so much of them. They are kids and I can't put everything on them. How on earth am I going to manage this? Can I do this? What happens if I fall?

He will be gone at hotels a lot, with nothing to do when he off the train out of town. I will have no idea for sure what he is doing, where, and yes... with who. I know I shouldn't still think about that but the fact is, I do. I have forgiven him completely, but I am a little leery that it might happen again. What if he decides not to come back some time?

For that matter... he is LEAVING me! He will be gone for 6 weeks, 12 hours away. I won't be able to see him, hug him, sit and just be with him. I can't call him up if I get stressed out or have him watch everyone so I can get away for a bit. He won't be able to help me with anything here. The car is making a strange sound? Not here. Sink stopped up? Not here. Television being weird? Not here. Dog acting strange? Not here. Kid needs a man-to-man talk? Not here. Need backup on a decision? Not here. Something funny or wonderful happens and I wanna share? Not here. I'm sick and need backup? Not here. For 6 weeks, he won't be here at all. Not for me, not for the kids, not for his family, not for mine.

He's going to be gone and I'm going to need help. What will I have to give in order to get that help?

He's going to be gone for 6 weeks... 6 weeks of finding ways to amuse himself, making new friends, living a totally different lifestyle with so few pressures. I don't think he's gone 6 weeks since we got involved together! We've never gone 6 weeks without seeing each other, never since we got together when I was 15 years old. What if something happens while he's there? What if he decides he doesn't want to come home? What if he realizes how much work we are and doesn't want to deal with it?

Pay will not predictable. The number of hours he works isn't set at all and so how much he brings in is going to fluctuate. Makes budgeting awkward. Plus there will be a 3 week lag with no paycheck, give or take a week. (They hold back 2 weeks and only pay twice a month.)

He won't be available for emergencies while he's working. If something happens during the day or night while he gone, I am on my own. He can't come to my rescue.

He could end up totally losing touch with us as a family. The daily grind will be all me. Who is having problems with who, which kid had a bad week or a great one, who is going to where at any given point in time, what new approach we are trying to handle this or that problem...... he won't be here to participate in these things. I can fill him in when he's home but he will be living a large part of his children's lives in past tense. It will be MY family, MY house, MY kids, MY household, with him there to back me up as often as he can.

Weekends and holidays... he's gotta work them. If it comes up that way, he's gotta do it. And for the first couple years, when he will have no seniority, it will very often fall that way. He could miss Christmas morning, Thanksgiving dinner, Easter Sunday... Birthdays aren't that big of a deal; we'll just celebrate before or after. But some days are sacred.

Then there is the work itself. Hubby is a people person. He likes to be on the move physically, fixing problems and helping people. But he is going to be on a train. He'll be responsible for everything on the train but while it's moving, he'll be.... sitting. He doesn't read or write or do sudoku or crosswords or anything like that. What is he going to DO? Plus, the hours are completely unpredictable so he may work 2 am - noon, be off until 6 am the next morning and on a train again for another zillion hours. He will have to be able to sleep when and where he can. Hubby doesn't sleep that way. He gets tired after so many hours and wakes up after so many hours and any deviation therefrom tends to make him cranky. I'm not sure he's going to like this job - at all. And Hubby in a job he doesn't like is incredibly unpleasant for everyone.

So.

We have unpredictability, total responsibility, both long and constant absences, missing of important events, poor work environment for him (likely causing erratic moods), and loss of companionship.

All this and on top of it - I'm not supposed to think any of these are a big deal. We can work it out. The most common response I got to the "cons" part of the pros and cons discussions I've had with people is basically "suck it up" combined with "you'll get used to it" and just how deep these things affect me has been completely ignored or at the very least strongly downplayed.

That's the bad news part of it. See Part 2 for the good sides to this....

Personal Myth

The following is from this blog post at Jung at Heart:

Here is an exercise you can use to learn more about your personal myth --

Begin by recalling a character from a myth or fairytale that feels particularly important to you. Now, sitting quietly where and when you will not be interrupted, become the character. See yourself as the character, feel as your would imagine the character to feel.

Now, take some time and complete the following statements. Write as much as you want about each one:

1.“I am ..."

2. “My purpose as this character is … "

3. "I feel ..."

4. "What I like about being this character is …"

5. "What I don't like about being this character is ... "

6. "As this character I desire … "

Read back over what you have written. Do you see ways that this character’s feelings resemble your own in a situation in your life? Can you see the story you are living?

This awesome... I'm going to try it. I have chosen the character Cinderella because I have often said I wish I could be like her.

1. I am... pleasant and hardworking, diligent and loyal, cheerful and optimistic. I am capable of finding happiness in every situation, no matter how awful it seems, and of doing what needs to be done, no matter how unpleasant or unjust. Although I do feel sadness and despair and I do break down and cry, I don't let it be who I am. I am always willing to give or do whatever it takes to find my happiness and make all my dreams come true. I will try bizarre things in my quest, but I won't hurt others along the way. I am happiness in the face of hardship.

2. My purpose as this character is... to demonstrate that a good attitude can overcome anything and make the most unpleasant of circumstances into a happy time. I bring hope to those in hardship and I set the example of how to be obedient and productive despite negative emotions and circumstances. I give hope in the belief that goodness is rewarded and everyone, no matter what their station, can get their happily ever after.

3. I feel... happy and optimistic. Although I experience negative emotions such as anger, frustration, disappointment and hopelessness, I never let them take over me. In hardship or happiness I can be a ray of sunshine.

4. What I like about being this character is... successfully choosing to be happy whether the circumstances are glorious or grim. I like being a role model for being obedient without being broken. I like the way I will get what I deserve without having to hurt anyone else to get it.

5. What I don't like about being this character is... the hardships I endure. I long for an easier life, with a Prince and a palace and no one hating me no matter what I do. I don't like having to see other people reaping rewards that ought to be mine. I don't like taking the blame for everything bad without any of the credit for anything good. I don't like having to rely on unlikely dreams to sustain me. (I also don't like being so one-dimensional, but that is a reflection on the writing of this Disney version rather than a lack of full character in the myth itself. *wink*)

6. As this character, I desire... love. I long to live in a world where I am loved for what I do rather than looked down on no matter what I do. I can make myself happy anywhere under any circumstances and I can do everything that is asked of me without complaint or defiance, but I would like more things to be happy about than things to overcome. And I want my goodness to not only help me endure the hardships but also to escape from them and into my happily ever after.

***

I am sure this is a field day of things that it says about me. Right now, all I see is everything that I'm not... I don't see how her feelings mimic my own because it is that very thing that makes me wish I could be like her: her feelings. I don't see my life in the story because I've got it good, really good, and still manage to be miserable, whereas Cinderella lived in Hell and rose above it in thought, word, and deed. I suppose this exercise shows what I value, but (unfortunately) not what I live...

Que Sera Sera

I don't know much about electrical wiring. I flip the switch and the lights come on and that's good enough for me. But I get the concept of a fuse. If something goes wrong in said electrical wiring and too much electricity tries to go through a wiring that isn't supposed to get that much, it goes POP and "blows a fuse" and the entire thing stops working, everything along that wire, that is. Interestingly enough, when someone loses their temper, they are often said to have blown their fuse.

I have a fuse on my emotional wiring circuit. And when too much tries to go through my wires at the same time, I simply stop feeling for a while until the circuit breaker can be reset. Lots of things can trip my breaker like trying to plug in too many things on the same outlet or trying to plug in something that isn't working properly, or dropping the hair dryer in the bathwater and causing a surge. Even lightning can pop a breaker, though it's pretty rare to be struck by lightning. I don't know if it's true of non-metaphorical fuses or not, but turning a light on and off over and over very quickly also blows my fuses.

When my emotional circuits have a blown fuse, a tired sort of numbness comes over me. It's kind of relaxing, not being constantly bombarded by feelings, especially contradictory ones. When it doesn't matter how I react to a situation, it will be the wrong way, it's easier to just not react. It's like relaxing when I'm very cold in order to stop shivering.

But blowing a fuse has other, not so good consequences.

One such "side effect" is loss of feeling good about things too. In order to shut off the bad feelings, oftentimes, the good ones go too. I'm not feeling bad that Hubby got his new toy finally, but I'm not feeling good either. I'm not feeling pessimistic about the whole Join-The-Railroad thing, but I'm not optimistic either. This makes it easier to fake emotions since I don't have to conquer the legitimate ones first but it's like looking at a rainbow in a stormy sky.... in greyscale.

Another unintended result is in my writing... it stops. I haven't written fiction since the last day of March and anyone who knows me knows how totally whack that really is. I'm not writing it and I'm not critiquing it. I'm still reading it but even my enjoyment of that is severely compromised. I once went three years without doing any serious writing. It was dreadful and I don't want to repeat it.

One other main area that is affected is my empathy. By turning off my feelings, it is harder for me to instinctively relate to other people's feelings. Suddenly I have to work at empathy instead of it being automatic. That sucks.

And last but not least, I have trouble with checking out or fading back. I detach way too easily and take my own sweet time coming back. I let others run the show and I don't much care that I do. They can handle it. They've been doing this my whole life. Practically NO ONE can tell in the least bit when it's happening so......

Que sera sera - about everything.....

I've Done It!!!

I did it! I really did it! I created a music video for YouTube like the ones I watch all the time. It's from Supernatural, of course. And, shockingly enough, for as die-hard of a DeanGirl as I am, this is from Sam's POV. The song is "Fix You" by Coldplay. The storyline is this:

Sam is determined to save Dean from his deal and when he can't save him, he falls apart. Unable to cope without him, he takes drastic measures to get him back. But Dean doesn't come back the same and the path Sam took to get him back has no turning back...



So, yeah, I turn them both into demons at the end, but that isn't what I think is going to happen next season. We already know that Dean will be back but not until he's spent 6 months top-side time in Hell (which is MUCH longer in Hell). He's going to be all PTSD and Sam may or may not have gone a touch dark side. Now, Kripke is all about Joseph Campbell's Hero's Journey and all about Star Wars parallels. He's also said that he is aiming for a 5-year story arc. So based on that, my guess is the boys are going get pretty close to the Dark Side. They are going to have to make a conscious choice NOT to go there. They need to become Masters of Both Worlds and to do that, they have to become competent in each. At least, that's my guess. Only time will tell...

Notes on Suicide (No, Don't Panic!)

****NO!! DO NOT PANIC! I AM NOT GOING TO KILL MYSELF!!! RELAX AND TAKE A BREATH!****

If you got here looking for help because you are suicidal, please call someone for help! Try this site if you need help.

I now return you to the actual content of this entry...

I just posted on where I am at now, as opposed to where I was at before. I have been hospitalized for suicide attempts on several occasions and, of those, two of them were nearly successful. (Those are just the ones that I got caught doing.) So I am no stranger to feeling suicidal. I can remember as a really little kid, standing at the top of a tall tree and wondering if I jumped out of the tree, would I die, and how marvelous that would be.

Having been caught in several suicide attempts, I am also no stranger to the reactions of others to these attempts. I have gotten them all, from "she just wants attention; ignore her" all the way through "we are going to put you away for a long time because we are tired of you trying to kill yourself" and everything in between. I know all the reasons why suicide is a bad thing, from "you'll burn in Hell" to "you'll destroy your kids" and everything in between. I have heard and read literally thousands of opinions, posts, comments and articles from survivors of loved ones who committed suicide.

And I get it. Suicide is bad. Suicide hurts people irreparably. I have often heard it described as "the ultimate act of selfishness" - especially by those left behind.

What I want to know is, through these people's grief processes and through the thought processes of those trying to understand it, do they not see just how bad things must have been for the suicidal person? I mean, seriously! Think about this for a second. It is human instinct - and a damned strong one - to survive. We come up with unimaginable reservoirs of strength in order to live through things that by all rights should have killed us. For most sane people, the concept of killing themselves is so foreign and illogical as provoke actual feelings of disgust. People are hard-wired to survive. Can you imagine just how dark a place they must be in for them to go through with an action that they not only know, but intend, will kill them and, in most cases, painfully?

Would you want to live in that place?

A commenter on a blog that I read recently said,

"I can't begin to describe the pain and suffering his brothers, sisters and I have suffered, I'm sure if he knew he would not have left us like he did."

And I COMPLETELY understand where she is coming from. That is a horrible thing to have to live through and no mother should ever lose a child or a sibling his brother. So PLEASE don't think that I am telling survivors not to feel this way.

But really, can you begin to describe the pain and suffering HE was feeling that he felt his only option was to leave you behind and in pain? I think the vast majority of people who attempt suicide are well aware that it will hurt other people. They have varying degrees of concern about this and for some that is actually on the "Pros" side rather than the "Cons" side. But if this person truly cared so much about his family that "if he knew" he would have chosen otherwise - do you realize how desperate he must have felt?

A short while back the father of a close acquaintance died from lung cancer after a very painful struggle with it. In the end, it was truly awful on everyone. When he finally passed, it was a relief to his loved ones to know he wasn't suffering like that any more. I heard that from all of them that I know - "At least he isn't suffering any more." He did not chose to get cancer and die. He did not choose to die slowly and painfully. And when he was finally at peace, people saw, recognized, and took heart in the fact that he didn't hurt any more.

And yet someone who is hurting so badly inside themselves that life itself is unbearable, someone suffering so horrifically as to overcome one of humanity's strongest instincts, someone in indescribable pain... is the ultimate in selfish.

We do not chose to be suicidally depressed. We did not wake up one morning and say to ourselves, "Self, I want to feel so awful that there is nothing on this world worth bearing this pain." We do not want to stumble in darkness through life, trying desperately to find the magic pill or right thought patterns that will lift this veil of suffering. We don't choose to live every moment slowly and painfully. But if someone in this position commits suicide, no one says, "At least she isn't suffering any more." They say if only she knew how much others are hurting because she left us.

They say that final, desperate quest for relief... is the ultimate in selfish.

Because of the pain it causes others, suicide is forbidden. Of all the reasons I have been given, of all the lectures I have received, of all the ultimatums that have been delivered... that is the only one I have that is stronger than the pain I feel. I was told, "Your children will NEVER recover and they will never forgive you." And so I am here and I will stay here, trapped until The Powers That Be decide it's time to go. So that the relief of my pain will not cause pain to others.

depression: cancer of the soul...

Recap - Then and Now

Last year about this time, I tried to commit suicide and I came very close to succeeding. I know it was a horrible, stupid, selfish thing to do and I hurt a lot of people. I could try to explain what was going on in my head at the time but the plain truth is that it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter one bit what I was thinking and and feeling because no matter what, suicide is not an option. I have been given every reason in the book and I am listening and I am not going anywhere. Not because I don't want to, but because it isn't an option.

That said, last December I overdosed severely enough they honestly didn't expect me to pull through. Of course, I did and without any residual physical effects. At that point, it wasn't a conscious, thought-based decision. I was psychotic. And I mean that clinically not metaphorically. I was hallucinating badly, delusional, not sleeping at all (had gone 7 days, I think it was, with only sketchy 10 minutes here and there of sleep). I missed both my therapy appointment (due to a snow school delay conflicting with my appt time) and my psychiatrist appointment (he had a personal emergency of his own). And I had been to see and OB/GYN who, while I refused the PAP test, made me explain why. I was GONE, out of my mind, and I nearly died from it.

But I didn't. And I caught all kinds of hell from every source. They wanted to send me away to the state hospital for "a while" which I managed, barely, to avoid. They told me I had to stop watching Baby completely. The In-Laws had me write up a detailed plan of what happened and why and how to prevent it from happening again (which they are now ignoring but that is for another post). I wasn't left alone for about two weeks, not even alone with the children. I had a bedtime curfew and daily interrogation.

It was all perfectly justified - they were just being cautious because they love me. I was treated like a four year old for a couple weeks and over the past six months I have worked my way up to the trust level of about a fifteen year old. I still am not allowed to stay at home alone overnight. (Hubby actually sent me to my mother's Saturday night because he, Kid-1 and Kid-3 were at a scouting camp-out and Kid-2 and Kid-4 wanted to stay over at my mother's.) He wouldn't let me be alone overnight. He still checks to make sure I am not taking too much or too little Xanax. I can't go on a long car ride by myself. (If, for example, I wanted to make a day trip somewhere or go visit relatives out of state, I couldn't go alone.) He still calls me from work every day to make sure I am "okay" (read: not unconscious from an overdose), as does Baby-Mommy. I still have to account for my whereabouts and goings-on at all times.

But I can stay home alone during the day and take care of the kids myself. I can go shopping or out with friends (if I wanted to, which I don't 99% of the time), and stay up later than Hubby does without getting a lecture as he goes up the stairs. I can choose my own meals and take my Xanax more at my discretion (as opposed to by the clock, which I think is stupid and asking for trouble). And most of the interrogation has stopped, or at least the intensity of it.

All these things, the way things are now, are to be expected given my past history. They care about me very much and are doing it for my own good. The weekly lectures are intended to make me feel better about being alive. The restrictions are to keep me safe. There is a reason I am labeled as "disabled" on all that paperwork.

But here's the kicker. At the same time that I am being told that I can't be alone overnight "just in case" - I am expected to fulfill all the duties and responsibilities of a stay-at-home mom. Go on field trips, chaperon parties, keep the house clean and laundry done, get everyone to their activities, pay the bills, keep med schedules straight, do the grocery shopping, host slumber parties, attend concerts and ceremonies and talent shows, teach discipline and respect with love and infinite patience, perform "wifely duties" (no matter what he decides those are) upon request (preferably upon hint but I can squeak by with playing dumb and not noticing the hints), go camping with the extended family, take vacations, arrange summer camps and fall schedules....... Anyone who is a parent knows the endless list of things that fall into this category. Anyone who is a stay-at-home mom knows that, no matter how much the working parents protest otherwise, we are still expected to do more of these things and do them better. After all, we don't DO anything...

And if I fail in any of my duties, things get ugly. There is stomping and huffing, then snipping at little things. It progresses to yelling and threatening. And depending on what exactly I failed to do, some of the threats then get carried out. Now don't take that wrong. He is not abusive in any way. I always step in before anything happens with him and the kids. I protect my babies! And his anger is always justified. He gets mad at the things I have or haven't done that I shouldn't or should have. It's not like he's a drunk who gets fired, comes home and slaps us around - not at all.

It's just hard, this double standard.

Because I'm not yet well. I am better... For the first time in my memory, I am not actively planning suicide and that is a huge step. But I still don't take responsibility for controlling my mind as I should. I still cut and burn. I still find it impossible to keep up on my never-ending list. I sleep a lot (or rather lie in bed a lot) and have no internal motivation at all. I do the things I do to keep people from getting hurt. I am not yet well.

As near as I can tell, I have the worst of both worlds. I have all the responsibilities of a fully functioning stay-at-home mom. And I have all the expectations of an unstable, often suicidal, emotionally disabled dependent.

And people wonder why I feel trapped...