Worse Than I Thought

I don't generally read BFF blog. In fact, I never read her blog. Part of it is that I never read most people's blogs anymore. Partly it's because anything important we generally talk about. A huge part of it is that it feels like intruding. I see the other side of this fence and when I read her side of it, I am shocked at how different it is. Frequently, I am also severely irritated by it.

Since all hell broke loose Sunday night, I have been meaning to check it, to get her side of things. I wanted to know where she was coming from, how she could possibly justify her behavior. So, tonight I finally went and looked.

It was so much worse than I thought. The things she said, the way she said them... my first reaction was utter disbelief. I had a brief flare of anger at her nerve for saying what she did. I really wanted to argue with her about the things she said - defend myself against some of her ridiculous statements. Then it was like a lightbulb burning out - that brief moment where everything gets too bright followed by the plunge into darkness and complete with the POP that sometimes accompanies the burnout.

Now everything is numb. I read and read and read, all the way back to where I was last following it in early April, before Easter. Intellectually I have assimilated what she wrote. Emotionally I feel nothing. My head is about to go Chernobyl but my soul is empty. Typically this is a warning sign of impending severe dissociation. I hope to keep my grip as I have my Shrink and Med-Shrink visits tomorrow and the Shrink is vehemently opposed to my dissociation and I'm already nervous about the Med-Shrink.