Anger Ebbed

The anger has ebbed from the raw destructive force that nearly overwhelmed me earlier today. It has settled over me like a woolen blanket on a summer night: itchy, hot, suffocating, unwelcome, stealing my hopes of rest or peace. BFNM's tag reads, "Moving on - [BFNM's-Kid]'s doing great, work is going well, and school is getting easier finally. Moving into my own place in the fall finally"

Finally is right. When she moved in here last September, I thought she would be out before the first frost. Then she bumped it to early spring. Then to late spring. Then by the end of the summer. Then we briefly talked about her staying for a long time and trying to get her to integrate into the family structure better. Then she decided to go back to school and all talks of when she would be gone stopped happening. Her moving in here was supposed to be a stop-gap measure, a brief respite as she looked for a new job and a new place. But she didn't find a new job so couldn't find a new place.

I know this whole situation is my fault. I set it up and I let it happen and I asked for it. In my attempts to rescue her, I set up an unhealthy dynamic. I was trying to help, I really was, but all I did was bring home a snake.

And now I fear that this is the story of my life. That everything she said about me is true and it isn't her perspective that is laughably off base but my own. Of course the Shrink agrees with me; he only gets my side of the story. Of course Hubby and my friends and relatives agree with me; I probably pervert the truth somehow when relating it to them as well, making myself look good at her expense somehow.

By The Shrink was dead on today as I was leaving. He said I would go through a bunch of emotions once the numbness wore off. He said I would get angry and hurt and confused and feel guilty and lost. He said to sit with it (his infuriating response for all emotional responses, especially those I don't like) and stay present, to not be reduced to self-harm and to call if I end up in crisis mode. I told him those usually happen late at night when all the distractions of the day are gone and there is no one around to be hurt by my actions and that I almost called him but figured he wouldn't appreciate a midnight phone call so I didn't. He didn't disabuse me of the notion that it would be intrusive and over-stepping boundaries. I mentioned again after he said to call in a crisis that he wouldn't want me to call at midnight when they usually occur and again he didn't tell me to go ahead and call then if I really need to. I take that to mean I am right and that calling at that time wouldn't go over well. I'm sorry, all crises must occur during normal business hours...

And, for the record, I don't WANT to stay present, to sit with these emotions. I hurt, I hate, I ache... I want to give in the call of the knife. The only thing stopping me is that if I get caught I will be perceived as manipulative. It will come across as trying to "get even" with BFNM rather than the expression of utter disgust with myself and the desire to distract from the emotional pain with physical pain. At least physical pain "makes sense" - if one has a deep gash in one's arm, it is logical that it hurts. No one can see a deep gash in my heart and soul; they don't understand that those hurt too, worse sometimes.

What's so wrong with it anyways? So long as it isn't bad enough to cause medical complications, who is it hurting if it relieves some of my psychic pain? And whose business is it what I do with my own body if I'm not hurting anyone else? Like anyone would even know so long as I was careful - it's not like they would be able to tell by how I act. They don't see obvious signs, let alone subtle ones.

GRRR! I hate this!! I am defensive and angry and hurt and embarrassed and frustrated and confused and lost and hopeless and pathetic and useless and I HURT!!! I am back to that confusing repetitive thought: I wanna go home. Except I am home. And there is no where that satisfies that longing; the closest I can come is cocooned in my bed alone in the dark and quiet stillness.

I wanna go home.
I wanna go home.
I wanna go home.
I wanna go home.
I wanna go home.
I wanna go home.
I wanna go home.
I wanna go home.
I wanna go home.