Make Yourself Proud

When Kid-2 started middle school, I attended a parent orientation wherein they had us write a letter to our student and include a piece of advice for them. My advice to her was to strive to carry herself in a manner that will make her proud to look back on.

As I look back on the past couple of weeks, almost everything I did I can honestly say I am proud of. I took a couple of cheap shots in anger and pain ("Guests don't clean." and my comments to her blog last night after she accused me of sending the anonymous comment left by my oldest friend...)

Tonight I am truly proud of myself. I took the high road. Here is our exchange (via email). This is directly quoted except for the changes of names to protect my privacy.

Me:

I will make the house available for you to retrieve your possessions Friday morning between 9 am and noon. Please ring the doorbell when you arrive. Also, I have mail for you, including what appears to be paperwork for [her daughter's] medical insurance. I will be happy to turn them over to you upon the return of our house key.

[Kid-2], [Kid-3] and [Kid-4] would like very much to see you and say goodbye and set up a time to see and say goodbye to [her daughter]. Losing [her daughter] has been very traumatic for them and I would like to smooth the transition as much as possible. Can we be civil for their sake or should I arrange for them to be elsewhere on Friday morning?

She responded promptly with:

I have been trying to make arrangements to get everything all at once but do not at this point have enough manpower to collect everything at once. I will take as much as I can manage with [friend] and have to come back for the bed and the TV as they're simply too big for her truck and us to handle. I also have to look into possibly upgrading my storage unit to fit everything but am going to try and move things around a bit first to see if I can make room. I will let you know about those two items. I may have to pay to hire someone at this point but don't have the money. The rest - [her daughter's] bed, the chair, my boxes, the printer, her books and toys, and whatever clothes are left I'll take with me Friday. The desk you can keep since you paid for it and Kid-1 may want to use it.

The kids are fine. In regards to [her daughter], as far as I know they can see her on Saturday as I have no plans at this point. Just tell me when is a good time and whether you want to do it at the house or somewhere else.

I have not had a chance to change my address as of yet so you may receive more mail for me for another week while I work on updating various organizations or you can forward it to the office. I am trying to determine if I should get a PO box or not considering funds but will probably just change my address with the post office this week. I tried to do it online but wasn't able to.

Here is where I struggled. I wanted so badly to take the cheap shots and mention how she couldn't get anyone to help her. I wanted to be harsh and short and tell her to get her stuff out by a deadline or I would get rid of it myself. I wanted to be MEAN. I typed up my snippy reply and as I read it over, I thought about the advice I gave to Kid-2 and the subsequent prompt I sent out last night: "Look back. Can you say you are proud of what you see?" I thought about a parable that Kid-2 wrote in her creative writing class today about a kid and monk who shot each other and how, in her story, even though the monk had dedicated his life to peace and good and God, by disobeying God's orders and reacting in anger with violence, he undid all the good he had done and went to hell. And I deleted my catty message. Instead I sent this:

That's fine. I would prefer to have the room cleared no later than July 2. Let me know when you plan to come by so I can make appropriate arrangements. You are welcome to the desk. It is yours and even if there were questions about ownership, we do not need it. If it is a matter of storage space, I will make arrangements to get rid of it.

The kids will be out of town on Saturday afternoon for a wedding. Would Saturday morning work for you? I need to check on [Kid-4's] baseball schedule for that day but the others are leaving town by 11 am. I would suggest a different day but [Kid-1] leaves for camp Sunday morning and he also wishes to say goodbye to [her daughter]. I am amenable to any location with which you are comfortable.

One more thing: I want to say that I'm sorry it's come to this. I never meant for any of this to happen. I would never kick you and [her daughter] out abruptly and I'm truly sorry things got to where we could not tolerate each other at all. You were never a charity case to me; you were a sister and [her daughter] was like one of my own. I was never the one keeping score and that was not why I felt things had to change.

I'm truly happy that you have found a place that is working out for you. I wish you only the best for your future and I know you two are strong enough to move into that future with confidence. I'm glad you've made peace with what you feel is right and true. I have made my peace as well, albeit different than yours.

We will miss having you in our family and in our lives. I have not burdened the kids with your rejection of us, only told them that you and I had a fight and ended up saying things that neither of us will likely be able to forgive each other for. I made sure they know that they do not have choose between loving you and pleasing me. They have asked repeatedly if you and I will ever be friends again. My response to them has been that "ever" is a very long time but I doubt you will be in a position to want a friendship anytime in the foreseeable future.

Although you may not believe me now, and may never come a place where you will able to believe me, I loved you as a sister and care about you still. And [her daughter] will always have a treasured spot in my heart. If there is ever anything we can do for her, you know where to find us. Best of luck and we will see you on Friday.

And now, looking back, I can say I am proud. Although, like the monk in Kid-2's story, I had my moment of anger and longed to devastate her, I obeyed the instincts of my better self and did not retaliate against her painful and increasingly inaccurate blog posts. I took the high road and I am proud of myself. It will be interesting to see how she responds.