Who I Am Hates Who I've Been

Who I Am Hates Who I've Been by Reliant K

I watched the proverbial sunrise
Coming up over the pacific
And you might think I’m losing my mind
But I will shy away from the specifics
Cause I don't want you to know where I am
Cause then you'll see my heart in the saddest state it’s ever been
And this is no place to try and live my life

Stop right there
That’s exactly where I lost it
See that line
Well I never should've crossed it
Stop right there
Well I never should've said that
It’s the very moment that I wish that I could take back

I'm sorry for the person I became
I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change
I'm ready to be sure I never become that way again
Cause who I am hates who I've been
Who I am hates who I've been

I talked to absolutely no one
Couldn't keep to myself enough
And the things bottled inside had finally begun
To create so much pressure that I'd soon blow up

And I heard the reverberating footsteps
Syncing up to the beating of my heart
And I was positive that unless I got myself together
I would watch me fall apart

And I can’t let that happen again
Cause then you'll see my heart in the saddest state it’s ever been
And this is no place to try and live my life

Who I am hates who I’ve been
And who I am will take the second chance you gave me
Who I am hates who I’ve been
Cause who I’ve been only ever made me


To be honest, I don't overly like the sound of this song. But the title fits me so well and the lyrics hit home in a couple of key places. The major difference is that I am still that person, though I am trying to become someone better.

After suggesting some alternative ways to handle unwanted emotions, the shrink proceeded to tell me not make the changes because he said to or because he wants me to but because I want to. I find this has actually put me in a bit of a bind because, quite frankly, I rather prefer my method of dealing with unwanted emotions: DON'T. But it's not working, apparently, because I keep falling apart. I really want to be good. I just wish it didn't involve hurting.

I know that's a contradiction: I want to be good but I don't want to do what it takes to be good. *rolls eyes at self*

But you know what? I already hurt. I can't get rid of the pain. There is pain everywhere - it's just a fact. When someone says something or does something that hurts or makes me angry, it's not like I don't hurt. I do. It's more like a refusal to direct it at others, to the point of destroying myself with it. I will turn it around and twist it as hard as is needed until I can find a way to not be upset at anyone else.

Why?

Why am I willing to do whatever it takes to keep from hurting people? I would rather destroy myself than risk upsetting anyone else. This makes no logical sense. Where is this coming from that it is this strong? Maybe it served me once. I guess I can see that. But why do I cling to it now? Why am I so desperate to to keep from turning negative emotions on other people - even when the situation calls for it? Why does it hurt so much less to turn it on me than where it is warranted?

I have always been told that I can't change other people. I can't *make* anyone do anything. It is from this belief that my "rationale" stems. If I cannot change other people and cannot make them do anything, there is no point in getting angry with them. In fact, getting angry with them has the potential for causing two problems. The one that is closest to me consciousness is that words hurt and once said, cannot be taken back. Words said in anger can be as vicious and painful as a physical blow, worse because they don't heal as quickly. How many times has something said/screamed at me stuck in my mind like a hot brand? I don't wish to do that to anyone else. The second problem is that getting mad at others can turn and rebound on me. Getting in trouble is high on my list of things to avoid and unleashing my anger on someone else is a sure-fire way to ensure that happens.

And so I turn it on myself. Because nothing said in return can catch me off guard. And I *can* change my own behavior and my own responses to other people's behavior. So I place the blame somewhere that has the ability to be useful. Then my anger doesn't feel so impotent or so dangerous.

Oh. There it is... "Then my anger doesn't feel so impotent or so dangerous."

Perhaps it is about control. In an effort to find some degree of control over my emotions, I manipulate them to a position that I have designated as within my control. And also, I think the part about not catching me off guard is on target too. Not being able to predict an attack is my biggest fear, the one thing guaranteed to send me into a panic.

Okay then. I need to think about this some more...