I am in a funk. I feel so low that I wonder if the sun has burned out and left me in the cold darkness forever. I feel small, insignificant, and useless. I hate myself and I hate myself for hating myself. Every little thing is like the weight of a thousand days. I don't know how to pull out of this and don't know if I would have the energy even if there was a way. But the worst part is... THERE IS NO REASON FOR IT!
Everyone has bad days. Everyone gets out of bed on the wrong side sometimes. There is nothing special about me or my mood. Nothing is different about this to make it a big deal in any way, shape or form. There is a whole wide world out there of people in far worse situations that I am in. I should feel lucky to be where I'm at, or at the very least be able to stop the cycle of feeling bad. I tried going over all the ways that I am blessed - and there are many. That should have lifted my mood, right? And yet it left me feeling sullen and angry.
HOW STUPID IS THAT?!
Last night I cried myself to sleep. There is no reason for it. With the exception of money, which has taken a set of serious turn for the worse, things are going well. The house is cleaner than it has been on a regular basis for years. Kid-1 brought home all A's and B's on his report card. Kid-3 is going to be okay. Kid-2 is starting her own writing group - a girl after my own soul! Hubby has been is an especially foul set of moods and it is taking its toll on me, but he is still here and he loves us and is doing his best. Even my writing is progressing at a fair clip.
So why is the fact that I won't be able to get to school after all tearing me into tiny pieces? And all the medical bills spinning me into a stupor of guilt? And every time Hubby touches me giving me sobbing nightmares? Why am I dreading to go to the shrink tomorrow even though it is usually one of the highlights of my week? Why am I mad at Mother Nature herself for throwing this cold snap at me? Every bill that comes in the mail reduces me to tears. Every song about causing others pain feels like it was written to criticize me. Every meltdown the kids have is like fingernails on a chalkboard. Every thing my in-laws say to "cheer me up" drags me lower. And this pathetic little head cold feels like I am slowing dying!!
WTF?!
Someone slap me out of this funk!
Good things roll off me like water while little things slice like a razor. I dropped another pants size - I should be thrilled! Instead I realize I again have no pants that fit and no money to get more. I tell myself to think positive - I lost weight! And a host of Voices crash down on me. Then I get mad at myself for thinking negatively. Then I get mad about getting mad. Then I get depressed that I am trapped in a cycle of being mad. Then feeling the happy thoughts gets even more difficult.
I feel completely out of control. I can put thoughts into my head - I can find the happy thoughts. But I haven't figured out how to STOP thoughts from coming into my head - all the attacks upon the happy thoughts. And I feel completely powerless over my feelings. I can tell myself to be happy until I am blue in the face and it only pushes me lower when I don't achieve happiness. How do I fix this? How do I take control of my mood and push it back where it should be? No one wants to be around someone who is a bad mood, including and especially me! It has only been two days of this black mood but already it feels like an eternity. And I don't know how to stop the impermissible thoughts from coming. They are so loud; they overpower the thoughts I am supposed to be having.
AND I HAVE A COLD!!! My nose is running, my forehead is stuffy and tender to the touch, I have an itchy, scratchy, sore throat and my lip is getting chapped from blowing my nose. I DON'T FEEL GOOD!!
I think, just for the rest of today, I am going to throw myself a pity-party. I am going to let my head bitch and complain and whine and feel sorry for myself. I am going to be crushed about school and worried sick about money and guilty for giving my kids bad genes that are ruining their lives. I am going to feel scared of going to bed and sad that the best friend I ever had abandoned me. I am going to be irritated that the kids keep fighting and disappointed that Kid-2's grades dropped. I am going to feel fat and ugly and stupid and annoying and untalented and expensive and worthless. Screw the happy thoughts! I hear-by give myself permission to be bitchy and depressed and sick - just for tonight.
Maybe it will be like taking a shit: it stinks while it's happening but feels a lot better once it's over......
No quote tonight. I DON'T WANT TO!
*skulks off to be in a bad mood*
The worst jokes I have ever written
13 years ago
