Tell Me No Lies

I think I've already established that I don't lie. Of course, for me that means that I don't say something if it isn't true. I have been known to tell precise truths, where I answer the question that was asked instead of the question that was intended. But it's usually pretty obvious when I am doing that, leading people who know me to drill the question down more specifically until they have me cornered. See, that's the thing... it's not just that I won't lie. I can't lie. When I lie it is blatantly obvious and I can't pull it off. Anyone who knows me can tell immediately and even people who don't know me can usually tell. This could be because I tend to smile when I lie, if not outright giggle.

So I don't lie.

I also have the incredible tendency to tell on myself. When I do things I am embarrassed about or royally screw things up, I almost always tell on myself even when I could easily "get away with" just not telling and breezing over the incident. One of the most potent examples of this is the time I got a speeding ticket on the way home from visiting a friend at college, where we got roaringly drunk at a Frat party. (I was 17 years old.) The whole way home I was telling my best friend (who went with me) not to tell my mom. Don't tell mom. She'll never know so just don't tell her. DON'T TELL MOM! And the second thing I said when we walked in the door (after "Hi, we're home.") was the story of getting pulled over and being irrationally afraid that the cop would know we'd been drinking the night before. HELLO!!! But you know what? Mom was so amused, both at the story and at the fact that I told on myself, that the only punishment I got was having to tell Daddy myself and having to pay for the ticket.

This is not an isolated event. This is common for me. And people know this so they can count on me to tell the truth, even if it puts me a bad light, and to tell them if I get into trouble. I consider this a good thing. This is one of the few things that I model appropriately for my children. They know that I don't lie, I fess up to my wrongs and if I make a promise I'm going to keep it. I hope that eventually they will share some of this ethic, not to the extreme that I do of course as I recognize that my behavior is odd and out of the ordinary.

Here's the catch... what 99% of the people who know me DON'T know is that this behavior adapted out of a need to keep things hidden. I used to lie all the time when I was a kid. I was constantly in trouble and constantly lying in an attempt to avoid or get out of said trouble. Like most kids, I wasn't very good at lying and nearly always got caught. Then I discovered the power of selective truths. By fessing up to some of the deeds, I avoided suspicion on other deeds. I also discovered that if I confessed to doing something wrong, it was easier on *me* to avoid telling things that couldn't be said. By the time I no longer had the need to keep my mouth closed on big things, I had learned very well how to work the whole trust/confession angle. I incorporated the intense telling of the truth into the "new me" that I created in middle school and by the time I hit high school, I had lost the ability to lie convincingly and told on myself for things I screwed up.

The thing is, I didn't lose my ability to hide the really big things. There are still things to this day that are going on with me that no one but the people involved know about. I don't think anyone who knows me would believe that, but it's true. Things I don't put in here, I don't tell the shrink about, and sure as hell don't tell Hubby about. Now, if cornered, I would tell on myself. If it looks like my secret is about to be outed, I would preemptively confess. But no one thinks me capable and that works in my favor.

Why say this now? I guess my conscience still plagues me about it. I take such pride on my unshakable integrity. I don't lie, right? Except, I really do, don't I? I don't tell the whole truth and I occasionally don't tell any part of the truth. And I still get that beaten puppy feeling when I push something over the wall and don't tell on myself for it. But I have no plans to change it. Some secrets shouldn't be told.

"Truth? You can't handle the truth!" (Col. Jessup, A Few Good Men)