Tired of Trying

I beat my head against a wall trying to become this better person, this person who is healthy and happy and thinks the right things and does the right things and wants the right things. And I am filled with frustration and worn ragged with trying. This becoming someone else is exhausting! It requires constant monitoring of thought and deed. This is the beach ball metaphor multiplied by eternity because it can never end. Everything that I am comfortable with, everything that I know, everything that I thought I did right - it is all NOTHING.

The metaphor of holding a beach ball underwater is so appropriate right now. I can sit on it, hide it, and keep it down for long periods of time - with concentration and effort. But the moment I let down my guard or my concentration lapses, up it comes without regard for when and where or how inappropriate the circumstances might be. And I am growing tired. I fear this beach ball will erupt to the surface at any time.

I still have not mastered the removal of unwanted thoughts. And the fact is - I am not a very good person. I can fake it sometimes. I am often known to reveal only the facts that make me look good. When I complain of other people's behavior, I do not tell of my role in instigating it. When I speak of the tragedies of my past, I gloss over my own part in it or skip large chunks that might speak volumes about me that I don't want people to know. I garner sympathy by false means.

In short - I lie. I wonder what would happen if I answered every question without ducking and dodging? What if I let people know the whole truth? What would happen if my support people knew about the dirty laundry that I never mention? What would happen if I didn't define lying as the speaking of an untruth and included the leaving out of vital information? What a liar I would be then... (more on lying in another post)

I fear I would lose everyone. No one wants to be around someone whose first thought is always negative. No one wants to be around someone who has to remind themselves every minute that the only choice is life. No one wants to be around someone who has done the things I have done. No one wants to be around someone who gets sarcastic when angry and cries when criticized. No one wants to be around someone who gets frustrated with having to lie in the bed they themselves made. No one wants to be around that kind of person. Including me...

So I push those beach balls under the water and I hold them there with every bit of strength I can muster. I put on a smile and I say the right things at the right times to the right people. I may not be able to stop the wrong thoughts and feelings, but I can hide them. And if I grow weary of doing so, I need to remember what will be lost by letting go of the ball and call on those within who find the good in everything.