More Random Thoughts

Where do "things I want to have but need to have but still really want to have" fit on Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs? I didn't see a tier for "selfish, materialistic desires"

Why do I feel more like Baby's mommy than her auntie/babysitter? Am I wrong to feel that way if I don't tell Baby-Mommy this? Why doesn't Craig understand that I don't tell Baby-Mommy no because I feel Baby is my responsibility too? I can't explain why, but she is. She's my baby as much as Baby-Mommy's. Heck, even Baby-Mommy refers to her as "our" baby.

Saturday I rode a bicycle to a park about 1/2 a mile from our house with the boys and carrying (wearing) a rather heavy backpack. We stayed for about 20 minutes then came back home again. I had 2 asthma attacks (one each way) and my knee swelled up for about an hour and I ended up taking a rather strong pain pill.

Today I walked a little over a mile carrying Baby and Baby's carrier and wearing the same backpack only now at about triple weight in the noon day sun. (Baby was heat and sun protected!) I had one asthma attack and every muscle in my body is trying to figure out what it did to deserve such a cruel punishment.

The burn on my arm is trying to heal, I think. I still can't figure out whether to keep a dressing on it. I called the GP and his nurse said to leave it open to the air so it can dry out and form a scab. It has been open since late Friday afternoon. It won't dry. The best I can get is sticky and that's if I put it directly in the path of a breeze or fan. Someone says it hurts and for a while, it did hurt! But now I only know it hurts because someone is telling me this. What's the deal with that? I made an appointment with GP to get it checked. I need it to heal before Craig sees the scope of the damage.

Speaking of the scope of the damage, we are actively having to restrain Pyro again. He wants to "fix it" by making it an oval shape instead of the awkward-to-explain wonky cross that doesn't even look like a cross. I feel him bubble up behind my eyes. I feel him pulling at the minds of everyone holding on to him. I tried putting away the candles. I tried putting away the lighter. He says that won't stop him and that we can only hold him back for so long. We will continue to hold onto him. Tomorrow maybe we can get help.

I had a dream last night that totally blew my mind apart. I woke up from it, not screaming or yelling, not even scared, just so deeply hurt and shocked and horrified. I spoke with the girls this morning and they have agreed to stop throwing pictures at me. We threatened to throw THEM over the Wall if they couldn't lay off. I'm not ready to deal with this yet. I'm just not ready.

It takes a lot of energy to suppress thoughts and emotions that I'm not allowed to feel. They spout off inside my head and are promptly pounced on and buried again. But they come back. They are things no one can change but me and there is this huge tug of war between wanting to change and be rid of those feelings and thoughts and feeling that they are totally valid, real, and can never be changed. Anyone who says contrary doesn't know the whole story, doesn't know me.

I watched the movie "Stay" with Ewan McGregor and and Ryan Gosling. It is about a psychiatrist filling in for a different psychiatrist who finds that one of the patients is seriously suicidal and follows through the next three days until the kid says he's going to do it. By halfway through, it obvious there is something weird going on. By the end it becomes a TOTAL MIND F*CK!! It was so weird I sat staring at the televsion for 15 minutes afterwards just trying to figure out what the heck happened. Two days later, I am still trying to decide if it was a total deus et machina or not. Whacked movie... would prolly be awesome on some kind of drug trip (yeah, as if I would know *rolls eyes*) but as it stood it pulled me along on a wild ride trying to figure out what was going on and when the end came I went - WTF?! Seriosuly... massive MIND F*CK!!


One more thing before I go bang my head against a brick wall until it begs for mercy then hide in the closet until the next millenium...

Why are most people afraid of death?