i told him i'm scared. i told him i'm not safe. i thought i had made it clear that i wanted to rip the bandaid off and go from there. he wants me to peel it off slowly, acknowledge the pain but not react to it and distract myself in between.
he says to look at some of it, feel and see whatever is there, then go do something productive to distract from it.
i said i'm not safe. he told me to be safe.
he doesn't get that once i start letting this through, i won't be able to do it selectively. i can't dissolve the Wall then be okay again in 45 minute segments and i still can't conceive of breaking through my glass Wall.
how do i tell him that? and how do i tell him that when he has said repeatedly his biggest fear is messing this up? doesn't he see that he's put the burden of not wanting to hurt him on me instead of reassuring me that the rest doesn't scare him off as i think he intended?
i can't do this. i want out. i'm not going to do this. screw confronting the Wall, i need to stay safe and he can't guarantee my safety. his plans DON'T WORK FOR ME.
i'm failing him. i'm failing me. i'm failing my kids and my family and my friends. the Wall stays. both Walls. i will just find a way to reinforce them. here comes zombie to take over for a while. she can help with the Wall repairs.
i'm going to bed.
The worst jokes I have ever written
14 years ago
