On Saturday, my son turns 12. This is his first year in middle school and I want him to make a good impression. I want him to be happy. I feel so materialistic, but I want to give him things that make him happy. Somehow a big hug and a heart-felt "I love you!" just isn't gonna cut it. Anything I could do for him that would be above and beyond every day stuff... it all takes money. I think the current plan is to take him and some of his friends to play laser tag on his birthday. (How are we going to pay for that?) So what happens if his friends don't show? He doesn't know it but his "real" friends aren't the kids from school that he hangs out with only at school. His real friends are his brothers and the neighbor boys and the kid around the corner. They play with him when he is happy and the forgive him when he gets mad. They may not be in middle school yet, but they are always there - they are his "real" friends, and he doesn't even know it. He isn't inviting any of them to his party. Some day he'll realize it, hopefully before it's too late.
So, he'll have his party and we'll see what happens. Then there is the matter of his birthday presents. I have no idea what to get him! He won't give me any idea of what he wants. Football gloves and an mp3 player. That's it. That's all he'll say. The entire list I have to give to everyone. WTF?! What do I do with this? (And how do I pay for whatever gift we give him?)
Beyond that, there are so many things going on and they all seem to boil down to one solution - more money. How do we pay the back bill for the pediatric urologist so we can schedule the test that needs to be done and then how do we pay for the test? How do we pay for the psychiatrists and the pediatricians and orthopedic specialists? How can I find the cash to get the kids' eyes checked? Kid-2 *really* needs to have them checked ("every 6 months" and it's been 2 years) and Kid-1 prolly ought to, to make sure his prescription hasn't changed. And Kid-3 should be checked too, especially since all three of the others need to go in. There are so many bills to be paid, big ones and little ones. And all the little things that turn out not to be so little: school pictures for 3 kids this week. School lunches, football fees, drum lessons, gymnastics, dance, school dances and back-to-school carnivals.
There are other things... Craig had to put the spare tire on my car because my tire was so stripped bare, even the little bitty metal thread things were broken. He said I am *very* lucky it didn't blow out while I was on the highway - it could have caused a major accident. (And I'm not allowed to wish that had happened, with fatal results for me and no collateral damage.) He says all 4 tires are critically bad but that one tire is lethally bad. All 4 tires, he says, for the kind he says we need, will be somewhere between $350 and $400. And it has to happen. How?
Then there are all the things I shouldn't even be putting on the list but somehow got in there anyways. There are books I want (not a big deal). There are some shirts and jeans and things I want (again, not a big deal). There is software I want: MS Office, incl Access (and I *really* want it!) and Dragon NaturallySpeaking (I *really* want that too!) and Final Draft (I want that but it can wait). And there are activities that I want. I want to go to school. Just one course a semester, just one. But that's $400 we certainly don't have. And I want to rejoin Curves - I hate the way I look, the way I feel. Refusing to eat has helped - 25 pounds of helped - until I got busted and now I have people checking up on me, making sure I'm eating. And as a result, 5 of those pounds have come back already with more to come, I'm sure. I don't know what else I can do that works with who I am and what my physical limitations are and the Curves program is perfect. I did it for a while and *loved* it. I only quit when I had knee-breaking surgery and that was with the intention of returning. Except now I can't - it's another $30 a month.
If money weren't an issue, the bills would get paid every month, the doctors would get paid on time, medical attention would happen when it needs to happen, including dental and vision. The kids would take the activities they want and that fit into their lives and their schedules and to their tastes. I could buy the baby the things that I want her to have. I could get Kid-1 into counseling and checked for braces and get the braces if they are warranted. I would take one class per semester, fall and spring, until time and mental stability allow me to take more. We could do birthdays and Christmas and handle emergencies. And maybe have a little savings just in case.
I'm not asking for enough to buy a yacht and a mountain get-away. I don't want to buy the kids designer clothes and expensive everythings. I'm not even asking for enough to pay off our house and car flat-out. Just enough to be able to pay our bills and take care of our kids.
And the thing is, there isn't a way out of this. We can't sell the house and downgrade: we couldn't get out of it what we owe on it. We can't sell the van and downgrade for the same reason. I can't go back to work and even if I could, without crashing and burning to a point of no return, it would mean losing my SSDI to a job that won't pay as much as the disability does; I can't go back into my former profession: 6 years is a lifetime in IT and I'm obsolete in a world that is teaming with 20-somethings who are on top of the world. I could think of something under the table but I don't feel right about that and it'd be back to the whole crash and burn scenario. Craig can't get another job in his field at his rate and he can't get an additional job because of his work schedule.
Is there a solution? Is there a way out of this mess? We are drowning in debt and we don't even own a credit card! It's not like we're out partying and buying extravagant things and racking up credit card debt for stupid things. I just want to be able to pay the medical bills!
Oh well, nothing that complaining can fix. Might as well shut up now. *sigh*
The worst jokes I have ever written
14 years ago
