The SV Chronicles: An Entry Full of Nothings

Random Thoughts:

Grey's Anatomy is back!! This season is going to rock! SERIOUSLY! I am so excited about it. Everyone got haircuts (especially Derek and George). Alex grew face fuzz - it suits him and Mark DIDN'T change (wouldn't have fit his character if he did.) And Derek and Meredith "broke up". WOW! Was gonna put in a youtube clip of them breaking up or of the "You're the girl from the bar?" scene but they aren't up yet... I'm not sure why I love GA so much. True, the guys are hot, but lots of shows have hot guys and I'm not obsessed with them.... Maybe they represent everything I wish I was. They have all that knowledge, they are on the brink of their independence, about to choose the rest of their lives. And their lives are complicated and don't always end happily but they show truth, the good and the bad and in the end, what is truth usually wins through. Plus, everyone has someone lusting after them and they are all beautiful and some of the lines just melt my heart. I'd give almost anything to have someone say things like that to me, not quoting GA, but sincerely meaning it. Grey's Anatomy represents all the potential of the world I wish I lived in... SERIOUSLY? SERIOUSLY!!

Grey's Anatomy last night is the first thing I've felt emotions about since Wednesday morning. And I still feel those emotions about it. But everything else is as emotionally useless as the ice cube experiment. This numb has been helpful. Lots of patience with the kids, running errands while sick as a dog didn't phase me, going back to the doctor for my burned arm (recheck) had the potential for the doc to see the "suspicious" cut on my forearm and I didn't mind.

OT: The nurse saw it, didn't comment, but asked me "Is there anything else you want to tell me?" And when I said no, she said nothing. So I don't think the doc saw it. If so, he said NOTHING about it. I like this doc. By the way, the burn is doing wonderful, better even that doc expected. He's very pleased with the progress, gave me new set of instructions to finish up its healing, checked my breathing (or lack thereof), gave me gunk for it and sent me on my way with a smile. This is a good thing. I don't need panic from him. But what does it say about him? Where are HIS boundaries? What would he have to see before he did something about it? I don't know but I don't want to find out either. *wink*

Other numb helped me stay calm (not even tempted to get pissy) with Baby-Mommy and, while it's been filed away for later examination, the things my mom said didn't overwhelm with that eternal guilt and shame that she radiates and I absorb. It didn't terrify me when Hubby was so "frustrated". And I was able to write the blog entry according to the guidelines of a "healthy" reaction. Numb is good... except I didn't feel the good stuff either. Hmmmm...

The ice cube experiment: hold an ice cube in the center of your palm and then close your hands around it tightly. How long can you hold it and what happens when you do? I would love SOOOOO much to know if anyone tries this, what the results are. (**************** AT ***** DOT com. If you don't ever want to hear back from me, that's fine - just mention it in your email with the experiment results. (I'm betting on NO email results. That's okay, I don't care...)

Music: right now, Josh Groban's You Are Loved (Don't Give Up) is sustaining me. My heart is so dark, it gives me momentary light. What I would give to have someone say that to me and mean it. Just hold me close in your arms, let me hear your heartbeat, the strength of your arms, hold me with the intention of making me feel safe (I can feel your intentions, you know) and not to rid yourself of guilt or set me up for a more intimate encounter. Listening to him singing so reassuring, so supportive, so hopeful... it can pull me away from that blackest pit of despair. I embedded a YouTube clip with that song a few posts back. I won't put it in again, but seriously (seriously?! seriously!) take a look at the lyrics and listen to the song.

In other news, Grey's Anatomy is back!! OMG OMG OMG! Oh wait, I already said that... *huge grin* Did I mention that Grey's Anatomy is back? Check out this music video. It has past scenes and season 4 premiere scenes and the lyrics rock!