Email for me

To My "Friend" Who Emailed Me:

I have to say I was surprised that someone actually took the time and effort to email me a comment. Kind of flattering in a way... Of course the content was not flattering but it was insightful. And it had an effect... I quit blogging for a few days. A true friend tried to convince me to start again. I blew him off. (Sorry to him!) My psychologist/therapist/shrink talked me back into it. I think I'll listen to him rather than you - he is a bit better informed. The shrink said it might be "therapeutic" to respond to your email publicly - "affirming my intentions" he called it.

So here we go:

Self-indulgent. Well, yes, often it is. I don't have many people I can vent to and sometimes, even with them, some things I can't talk about head on. One friend reads this and then we can talk about the things I couldn't say or he can choose not to approach the subject. My blog is self-indulgent? Yeah, it is, but sometimes it helps just to get it out of my head or to figure out how I really feel about some things.

Pessimistic: yeah, mostly. That's how I feel, how I think and in real life, to your face, you'd probably see my "I'm fine - all's good" face. At this point, I'm still making it all the way through the day and still breathing at the end. I have a hand-written journal where I write affirmations and positive thought activities like that. My blog is for where my heart is. Right now it's in a very dark place. So, yeah, it's pessimistic.

I'm a "drama queen:" You aren't the first to say and you won't be the last. Little things that don't phase others hit me harder than they should. I make a big deal over things that probably aren't important in the big picture. At the time, it's a big deal to me. And blogging about it puts it back into perspective when I look back on it. And, some times my life is so bizarre that if I submitted it to a soap opera unedited, they would reject it as too unrealistic.

That leads into the last and most upsetting comment you made:

"You're probably just making this all up anyways:" First, I have a regular readership of ONE. Why would I bother making such a frequent blog full of fake things? Next, just supposing there is a small chance it is true... your invalidation (another shrink word) is one of the biggest reasons I refuse to talk to my loved ones about this stuff. What if they don't believe me? So, thanks for hitting my sorest point. Lastly, I would LOVE LOVE LOVE to agree with you. Can you think of a way to make that happen? I've been trying. It isn't working...

Now that I've addressed YOUR main issues, here's my take.

First of all, you probably aren't reading this. If you thought it was such crap, I'm sure you won't be back. So let me make this clear that I wrote this to you FOR ME.

Secondly, I have a target audience of ONE - ME. If anyone else reads, fine. If you feel like commenting and want to email me, fine. But this is my place. As my mother always said when I was growing up: MY HOUSE, MY RULES! You cut deep with your remarks and I wonder if you emailed on impulse or if you thought you would be helping me by "calling me out" (as my kids say) or if you had no idea how much your words would sting, or if you are just a mean person. I don't know because I don't know you. And you don't know me either so you have no right to judge me and basically call me a liar. (I NEVER lie. period.) I shouldn't care a bit about what you wrote, but I do. That's my problem, not yours.

And last of all, even though I don't like the way you said what you said, you gave me cause to reassess the purpose of my blog and you reached out and touched me and let me know that you read it. The former was probably overdue and the latter was surprising but moving.

So, my email pal, it all boils down to: I'm doing want I want, what I feel I need and in my own way. So if you don't like it: DON'T READ!

Best Intentions,
Me