Reality Check, Anyone?

I know that December was bad. I have no idea how bad it was. I wasn't there. I curled up in that place inside my head that I have been craving for years and I stayed there for a month. I broke. I lost it and I crumbled and I drowned. I saw it coming but no one believed me. They were too busy expressing confidence that I could do it to hear that I wasn't being paranoid. The official story is the toxic combination of Ambien and Xanax. The Med-Shrink didn't buy it but then he thinks he can do no wrong so the concept of him giving me meds that nearly destroyed me is out of his personal reality. When pushed against the walls of our own belief system, we will create our own reality that may or may not match up to other people's. Regardless of why, I broke and I drowned and I hurt people.

BFF made a remark tonight. I don't even remember what we were talking about but she made an off-hand remark about me being so totally gone in December and that I must not be reading her blog any more or there would have been dialog about it. She's right - I stopped reading her blog. (I've stopped 90% of my online activities - I just don't have the strength for them.) But it got me to wondering what she had said and if maybe she had more pieces to the puzzle I have been trying to piece together of what happened. So I went back and I read her blog. I read all of December and much of January.

Apparently, the first time I was committed in December, when it was involuntary but very brief, they made the decision to do it, not the hospital. She said she hoped I would understand one day. Whatever - there is no emotional content to that knowledge - I don't remember it so it doesn't feel like betrayal. It just surprised me. I had been given to believe that the hospital, with the input from The Shrink and the Med-Shrink, made the decision. From what I understand, pulling out the IV and unwrapping my sliced up arm didn't help my cause, nor did trying to walk home without getting dressed.

One thing I didn't know at all and that has me surprised and, truth be told, quite hurt, is that the day of the Family Feud (huge drama over whether I could go to the airport to pick up Hubby or not - got very ugly), that day she felt I was lying at one point or another. It seems I was totally incoherent for hours and then cleared up and seemed fine. She thought - and maybe still does for all I know - that I was faking it at one time or the other. Of everyone, of all the people who know me, I never expected her to accuse me of faking this stuff. The woman I thought was my staunch ally apparently believes I am the type of person to make up psychotic breakdowns. Regardless of whether she has since changed her mind or not, that is going to take some time to process. Something has changed right there, because of that, that I'm not sure can be put back together.

Aside from that, I am appalled at her ability to see things only from her perspective. No, not really appalled because this is not something new. I have occasionally wondered if she has some low lever Asperger's going on but I am fairly confident it is just because of her screwed up past. Everyone is a product of their experiences and hers have taught her to look out for number one without noticing anything else that doesn't directly impact her perception of the world and herself.

She is extremely resentful of the pressure placed on her when I fell apart. She had to cook and clean and take care of things. She couldn't leave Kid-5 with me whenever she wanted to so that she could go study or write or play her online video game. She had to deal with my kids fighting and not helping around the house. I wasn't there to gossip with or edit her stories. I couldn't be there to take care of her every need so that she could be free to pursue her own agenda. I inconvenienced her and put stress on her and she had basically decided she would be better off moving to New Hampshire where Kid-5's grandparents are. I guess the price of room and board and luxuries got to be too high. Kid-3 got the stomach flu while I was in the hospital and she felt so put upon unfairly and ill-used.

I don't ask her for much. In fact, I don't ask her for hardly anything. I don't expect her to cook or clean or babysit. I don't take any money from her and the past few weeks have been giving her everything that I have got and then some. I do anything she asks me to do, without question. (Not always without complaint - she has the habit of scheduling things over top of my schedule and then saying I never told her about it. I get cranky about that and make it clear that it is a pain in the ass to cover it.)

And I don't keep a tally sheet in my head. I have no idea how often I watch Kid-5. I have no idea how much money I've given her since we've been back in the house. I have no idea how many hours we've spent editing stories that I didn't like in the first place. It doesn't matter to me. I don't expect her to keep everything in balance. I don't do a tit for tat situation. I give her everything I am able to give because I want to, because I can, because she needs it, because I love her. I do everything in my power to protect her just as fiercely as if we shared blood.

Normally I don't resent it. It makes me feel good to be in a position that I can help. And I try to meet her where she's at and not expect more than she is capable or willing to give. I don't plan on her being home when she says she will. I try to make sure I have a backup planned if I've asked her to pick up or drop off the kids because I know that if something comes up in her world, she will drop mine to do it. I know this so I plan for it. I know she doesn't keep commitments, she has no respect for other people's time, and never feels honor-bound by a contract or commitment. I know that she doesn't understand social cues and probably never will and I don't let that bother me because that's just her. And I accept her where she at, no matter where that is.

But reading her posts from when I was drowning and listening to her talking about setting boundaries... I am really fighting that resentment. Because I don't expect her to keep things even. I don't expect her to change her ways to suit me. I don't make offers that I am not happy with giving. But I do expect her to know when it is a big deal and to act appropriately. I don't expect her to cook and clean and babysit, but I guess I expected her to realize that in any other situation, that would be expected to some degree - I expected gratitude not attitude. I don't expect her to do things but I don't think she has the right to get mad at me me if they then don't get done. And I keep holding on to the unrealistic expectation that she will apologize in accordance with social norms when she inconveniences someone, regardless of whose "fault" it is.

She is so wrapped up in her own world. Everything that bothered her about December, about me in December, was because of what it was costing her. She wasn't worried about me because of the pain I was in, she was worried about me because the pain I was in meant she couldn't have or do some of the things she wanted and expected. She wasn't worried about where in my head I had gone that resulted in me not being coherent at all, she was worried about who was going to babysit Kid-5 so she could study for her test and not have to clean the house. She wasn't worried about the impact that my state would have on my kids, just that she had to take care of them for me.

I know that she cares about me. She is my BFF and my life-sister (as opposed to blood-sister). She enjoys the things we do together and she appreciates the things we do for each other. It just frustrates me that she sees everything only from the POV of "what will this do for me" instead of "what can we do for each other". And of course, I can't help thinking that Jung would probably say that this bothers me because I am the same way - good old Shadow concept - and that makes me feel horribly shameful for being frustrated at all.

How often do I say (well, think) that if a person doesn't like something, they should do something about it? Whether that something is to address the issue and get it changed, or adapt their expectations, or walk away... they need to do something or they have no right to continue to complain about it. So this is me, trying to get my head around the fact that BFF's world does not extend beyond how it immediately affects her. This is not a new concept, not a new state of being for her or towards me. I guess I just keep having it reinforced in a more direct way than before. Her therapy reinforces these concepts - that it is all about her - and living with her makes it more immediate and intimate.

So now I need to shit or get off the pot - adapt my expectations or do something to change the situation. And right now I am too hurt, too tired, and too scared to change the circumstances so I am in the process of reprogramming my expectations. I have taken her off my list of people that don't judge me. (It is down to 3 people now.) I have made mental notes to stop expecting any level of assistance from her that doesn't come with resentment. I am reworking my concept of where she fits into our household since she doesn't want to be part of the family. (Apparently all she wants is room and board and luxuries.)

She is still my BFF. She is still my biggest supporter of my short story writing and my most accessible friend to talk to about writing or some emotional stuff. (So long as it doesn't involve my mother or Hubby or the kids or anything that bothers her because she can't listen and let me vent, she just gets angry at them for it.) And above all, she is doing her best in the only ways she knows how.

Mood: shocked and hurt
Appropriate Song: Heaven Forbid by The Fray for the BFF and Fake It by Seether for me