Absolution Via Ritualized Symbology

After an in-depth discussion with The Shrink this morning about the potential cause of my irrational and extreme reaction to Communion at church last Sunday, he offered some possibilities as to why it happened. Far from the potential that something happened long ago to trigger this fear, we explored what thoughts and feelings I experienced on Sunday. (How very CBT - and quite effective in this case.) He asked how I see Communion and what I thought about while watching it. We discussed my views as opposed to the traditional views taught by the church. We reached a few potential answers for what triggered the fear response and I feel much more comfortable now. As is my norm, after I left I continued to think and churn it over in my mind, taking what he said and extending it out to see where it goes.

At this point, I think I freaked out for a couple of reasons. Communion represents one of the fundamental parts of Christianity that I can't get behind - the worshiping of Jesus the Man above or equal to God the Creator. The very concept of eating his flesh and drinking his blood revolts me both on a surface level and on a theological level. Aside from the cannibalism aspect, it seems to be a very direct manifestation of the worshiping of Jesus rather than Christ.

So it represents a threat to my belief system. I have been trained to do as those around me are doing and keep my counsel to myself. I know what I believe and what I think and what I feel but I will often set those aside in order to comply with instructions or avoid notice or criticism. The expectation at that point was to participate in Communion ritual which goes against the grain of what I believe in my heart. Even though participation isn't mandatory and no one was condemning me for not going up there, I felt the pressure to conform and to not rock the boat and to just do what was expected of me regardless of my belief.

In addition to threatening my spiritual belief system and challenging my ability to act on my beliefs rather than conforming, the very process of Communion involves going up in front of the church and speaking directly to a pastor who would look at me and speak to me and potentially judge me. I would stand out as different, inferior. After all, what God-fearing Christian isn't eligible to take Communion? (sarcasm intended)

The Shrink suggested the reason Communion in particular triggered me so badly is because the whole thing is about absolution of sins. Apparently by going symbolic cannibal, Jesus takes away your sins and all is happy-happy again. He suggested that the concept is diametrically opposed to my belief system. I just don't think it works that way. You do the crime, you do the time. In order to receive absolution, you have to acknowledge you screwed up, apologize for it, make amends if possible, learn from it and be willing to let it go. It has nothing to do with eating crackers and drinking grape juice. If you did horrible things, accepting Jesus shouldn't be enough to "fix it". There has to be some aspect of reparations. Not only is that completely against my spiritual beliefs, the concept is against my mindset.

I have done horrible things and made horrible choices and hurt people in horrible ways. I can't conceive of a possibility where eating crackers and drinking grape juice can make all that not matter any more. And man can suddenly say Poof! Your sins are forgiven. Only the people who committed the sins and the people harmed by them can grant forgiveness. So, he's right that I disagree on the same level that I constantly run into - forgiveness of myself - but I don't think it applies to the Communion situation because I didn't know that was the purpose of Communion. I thought it was a reaffirmation of dedicating to Jesus the Man.

Mood: analytical
Appropriate Song: Scared by Three Days Grace